Simmering resentment

Cottage_Economy

victory wrote: »

cottage economy I understand what you are saying, I have 2 kids and because of the age gap each child gets help when it arises.

No one has yet said that a parent doesn't have to help their child financially, if they can and do it is a huge bonus but not a given right or should be expected, after all the parents were not given the money they earns it, worked hard for it and saved it, what they choose to do with their investments is up to them, if it comes the way of the grown up child then fantastic.

My eldest works, always looking expectantly at the bank of mum and dad and it's closed mostly so that he can become independent financially and so he knows if it's real dire straights it's open but for a whim it's not , that way he works for his, doesn't expect ours.

I know this is about one treated different , mine could say the same because the help is age related and one is younger but it works out in the end.

I agree a parent doesn't have to help anyone and can spend their money where they please. The problem is usually how the whole subject is dealt with that causes the problems. I don't know if you've ever said to your kids "we'll help you if you really, really need it but you have to be in dire straits" but mine never did. It was always "sort your own life out, don't expect anything dire straits or not" and that was fine. I knew where I stood and I believed my sister was standing right there with me.

Finding out about the lies, how many people knew, how secretive they'd been - all three of them - and how they sat there and watched me work myself into the ground with three jobs while studying to get qualified while my sister simply sat on her !!!! and ran up debts on shopping cards then ran to them to be bailed out because she couldn't pay the mortgage rather than confess to her husband about her debts (and he still doesn't know), that stuck in my craw.

I just wish they'd said "your sister is having severe financial problems and we need to step in and help her. One day if you're ever in the sh*t we hope we can be there to help you out too. " But that never happened (actually I wish they'd said "you must go home and talk to your husband" rather than helping her lie to him too)

Secrets and lies.

It was only after reading two books by a guy called Thomas J Stanley that I finally found some peace with what had happened, and realised how lucky I am.

My parents realised that they had one independent, achievement-orientated child and one that wasn't. And they did what the majority of parents would probably do, leave the first child to get on with it and try and help the second child develop strength. The trouble is, unless it's done very carefully it strengthens the strong child but weakens the weak, making the problem worse and making the divide even bigger.

It wasn't done well. My sister will continue to need subsidies all of her life. She's got used to it and will one day suffer terribly because of it.

As for me I regret taking that money. I felt, and still feel to this day, that taking it was akin to telling them it was ok to bring me up differently to her, to treat her differently, that all is forgiven. I'd wish I'd not been so weak, but I was so shocked at the time I wasn't thinking straight.

Vicky123

I think it's just as bad to treat adult offspring differently as it is children because it makes you question everything.
Favoritism is more common than people think and often extends from favourite child down to their child being favourite grandchild.
It's horrible, parents shouldn't do it as it will almost always result in sibling against sibling and ultimately tear families apart.
It can also be a control issue.

victory

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

I agree a parent doesn't have to help anyone and can spend their money where they please. The problem is usually how the whole subject is dealt with that causes the problems. I don't know if you've ever said to your kids "we'll help you if you really, really need it but you have to be in dire straits" but mine never did. It was always "sort your own life out, don't expect anything dire straits or not" and that was fine. I knew where I stood and I believed my sister was standing right there with me.

Finding out about the lies, how many people knew, how secretive they'd been - all three of them - and how they sat there and watched me work myself into the ground with three jobs while studying to get qualified while my sister simply sat on her !!!! and ran up debts on shopping cards then ran to them to be bailed out because she couldn't pay the mortgage rather than confess to her husband about her debts (and he still doesn't know), that stuck in my craw.

I just wish they'd said "your sister is having severe financial problems and we need to step in and help her. One day if you're ever in the sh*t we hope we can be there to help you out too. " But that never happened (actually I wish they'd said "you must go home and talk to your husband" rather than helping her lie to him too)

Secrets and lies.

It was only after reading two books by a guy called Thomas J Stanley that I finally found some peace with what had happened, and realised how lucky I am.

My parents realised that they had one independent, achievement-orientated child and one that wasn't. And they did what the majority of parents would probably do, leave the first child to get on with it and try and help the second child develop strength. The trouble is, unless it's done very carefully it strengthens the strong child but weakens the weak, making the problem worse and making the divide even bigger.

It wasn't done well. My sister will continue to need subsidies all of her life. She's got used to it and will one day suffer terribly because of it.

As for me I regret taking that money. I felt, and still feel to this day, that taking it was akin to telling them it was ok to bring me up differently to her, to treat her differently, that all is forgiven. I'd wish I'd not been so weak, but I was so shocked at the time I wasn't thinking straight.

No. It wasn't done well. Your sister in their eyes is the vulnerable one, you are the capable one.

Two things to remember 1 if you had of directly asked them know they would have helped you, whose to know they watched you struggle and hoped you'd ask, as you didn't they felt they wouldn't interfere and had to step back?

The second how do you know they only helped your sister because of how they didn't want to see her in trouble with bailiffs etc for not paying and having a record?

Maybe they helped your sister because of what it was for and not you because you were not going to get into trouble?

Also how do you know there was enough to help you both out? Sure, if there wasn't it should have been 50/50 regardless I know but once they did first help your sister do you know for certainty that there was any of their money left to help you?

sulkisu

I am probably a lone voice here, but I don't see that your in-laws have done anything wrong **ducks for cover**.

As you and your husband did not ask for help, I don't think that the parents are being unfair to one sibling or treating the other more favourably. If your husband had asked them for help and they had refused, or if his sister had been saving up and his parents had simply offered the money, that would be unfair.
You say that you will treat all of your children equally, but what if one child asks you to loan them money in the future? Would you say 'yes' but only if you loan money to the other two as well, even if they don't ask for or need it. Or would you say 'no', even though they desperately need it, simply because your other children had never asked for help?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, I am genuinely curious. If you were in your in-laws position, would you have said 'no' to SIL simply because her brother had apparently not wanted or needed their help before?

If they had gifted the money to her and given your husband nothing, then I would say that they were being unfair, but under the circumstances, I don't see it.

Mands

Coxy11 wrote: »

Hi, thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to read and comments. Seems to be a 50/50 split on whether we should feel resentment or not towards SIL and in laws.

Putting aside whether you *should* feel resentful or not, where would it actually get you?

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

― Nelson Mandela

Whether it's right or wrong, fair or unfair, considered or illogical let it go for the sake of your sanity.

Mands

Cottage_Economy

victory wrote: »

No. It wasn't done well. Your sister in their eyes is the vulnerable one, you are the capable one.

Two things to remember 1 if you had of directly asked them know they would have helped you, whose to know they watched you struggle and hoped you'd ask, as you didn't they felt they wouldn't interfere and had to step back?

The second how do you know they only helped your sister because of how they didn't want to see her in trouble with bailiffs etc for not paying and having a record?

Maybe they helped your sister because of what it was for and not you because you were not going to get into trouble?

Also how do you know there was enough to help you both out? Sure, if there wasn't it should have been 50/50 regardless I know but once they did first help your sister do you know for certainty that there was any of their money left to help you?

Well to answer your questions, when I left home at 19 to go to university my parents disowned me for going and I was told I was cut out of their will. They didn't like where I was going and what I was studying so they used money to control me so I would change my mind. Under those circumstances I wouldn't have asked them for anything as the expectation would have been to move back home and give everything up.

Most parents know how skint their children are at university. Any parent who has the audacity to claim they don't know how desperate their child's financial situation is when they watch them studying full time, working three less-than-minimum wage jobs around that and falling asleep any time they sit down is a liar. My sister came to visit me once and told them, but it was swept under the carpet.

2. My sister had a husband with a job who could have helped but he was shut out by the three of them and not allowed. My BIL had no knowledge of my sister's problems. If the baliffs were about to be called, do you not think my BIL should have been told? Wouldn't you want to know if it was your spouse, especially if they were being given large sums of money behind your back? More deception created around money...and I'm part of that deception now because I know and he still doesn't.

3. It's not about 50/50 money splits. Or 70/30 or 90/10. It's about opening their mouth and communicating with their children in an honest manner that leaves them both feeling they are being treated fairly. "We will help you when you're up a creek if we have the power to do so, and if we don't we'll work something out together as a family" has a lot more integrity and honesty than huge 10 year web of lies to intentionally deceive that pulls in other members of the family and taints the relationships between everyone. They may well have spent what they had on helping my sister - I've no idea - but to be quite frank even something as little as a food parcel, a Mars bar, anything, would have been appreciated during the lowest, hardest time of my life.

Anyway, what's done is done.

And thank's to living in near starvation mode at uni I can take ANYTHING i find in the cupboard, no matter how little, and make something tasty.

meritaten

It really is an arrangement between your SIL and her parents - nothing to do with you. but, yes I can understand your feeling a bit aggrieved! Put it this way, when it all goes 'T!Ts UP' you will at least have the higher moral ground!

peachyprice

Are your inlaws rather old fashioned?

It seems to be that they expect your OH, as a man, to stand on his own two feet and provide for his family, but are happy to help their daughter, probably with the expectation that it will be her, being the daughter, who will look after them when they get old, not you and your husband

ska_lover

Coxy11 wrote: »

Hi, thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to read and comments. Seems to be a 50/50 split on whether we should feel resentment or not towards SIL and in laws.

In this case (ie. the extension funds) I'm unsure whether SIL asked for the money or was offered it. What I can say is that she is shameful in asking for help generally and expecting in laws to drop everything to assist - childcare being the main one (I could bore you senseless on this topic, that's if you're not bored enough already :rotfl:)

I have no problem with SIL having the same sized or bigger house than me - good luck to her. What is galling is DH working long hours and me working two jobs around my children to fund our borrowing from a bona fide bank. Yes it's our choice to live in/extend our house as we see fit, but relatively speaking our income vs mortgage in percentage terms is the same as SILs.

We are proud of what we have, as I said before, but not in a smug way. We are modest people. The argument happened at our house when we were entertaining the whole family. It is really not on to be told to "eff off" in front of family members including children. I tell you, if we weren't related these people would not be in my circle of friends

Coxy

Sorry Coxy, but I think you need to stop giving this situation, your headspace. No one SHOULD feel resentment for something so trivial. And yes, it is trivial

How about being happy with your life, your health and that of your family, rather than chuntering on about other people having a bigger house or (you perceive) an easier ride of it than you.

It is certainly not shameful to ask for help. Especially from family

Real and genuine happiness does not come from material 'things' or bigger houses. Be happy in your own life, and let it slide or you are going to become bitter over something that has nothing to do with you / has no impact whatsoever on your life.

ska_lover

Coxy11 wrote: »

You're right Duchy it's none of our business. SIL was bemoaning the fact that FIL doesn't want her to have composite work tops as they are too expensive so DH asked the question "what's your budget then?" This wasn't to be nosey but to gauge whether its worth blowing a lot of the expenditure on something that's not necessarily a necessity. She couldn't tell us the budget because it's bank of mum and dad. She started shouting and swearing and getting really aggressive. I actually felt a bit sorry for her having controlling parents, but not now! Blimey Christmas is going to be a bundle of laughs NOT!

Whilst I think her behaviour, shouting and swearing is way OTT - unless you are contributing towards something, you have no right or need to know what a budget is. She knows, as do we all on here, you were only asking so you could judge - that is the only reason anyone asks that question. THAT is why you got that OTT reaction from her