Simmering resentment

ska_lover

Coxy11 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies, much appreciated

I agree that the situation has been created by the in-laws rather than SIL. She is the youngest, only girl, they only earn 49K so not a lot coming into the house (yes, I am being slightly ironic here).

To answer the question - yes we did discuss many times the need to extend our house, it was no secret. We waited 7 years in order to earn enough to be able to do so. I feel very proud that DH and I have planned and worked really hard not to have to ask for handouts (lent or given) over the years.

I will, however, make damn sure my 3 kids are given equal treatment/money etc. when the time comes

Coxy

How is a loan, a hand out? So in effect you had a handout (your remortgage from the bank) if by your terms, that a loan is infact a hand out. So you HAVE had a hand out. Your words, not mine

If they are paying the parents back, same thing

Coxy11

Hmmmmm... Thanks ska lover for your opinion. Not really what I need to hear at 7am on a Sunday when I'm off to my second part time job to help with the household budget ( and yes I know it's MY choice )

The reason DH asked the question was:

Because we have recently fitted a new kitchen and we had to make choices depending on our budget ie. whether to buy a double or single oven, hidden drawers, etc etc. Were they essential or a luxury.

Budgeting is all part of being a grown up and realising you can't have the moon on a stick.

Maybe I should give SIL a book by Martin for Christmas :money::rotfl:

For all those that have replied having had similar or worse experiences, I apologise if this thread has stirred up a load of angst

Coxy

FBaby

Don't forget Coxy that we never know what tomorrow is made off. Your husband doesn't know that maybe in a few years time, he might be the one in dire straights who will need help from his parents and be grateful that they don't question him when he ask for their help. It can come and go, it just happens that at this time, they have helped his sister because they believe they needed their help.

Coxy11

FBaby wrote: »

Don't forget Coxy that we never know what tomorrow is made off. Your husband doesn't know that maybe in a few years time, he might be the one in dire straights who will need help from his parents and be grateful that they don't question him when he ask for their help. It can come and go, it just happens that at this time, they have helped his sister because they believe they needed their help.

Absolutely, but being in dire straits is a completely different situation. SILs house didn't suddenly shrink, she bought it knowing it was (perceived) too small for her needs. We all make choices in life, she chose a house in a lovely village that was (perceived) too small. She could have stayed in her other house that was in fact larger.

Coxy

Spendless

Coxy11 wrote: »

Because we have recently fitted a new kitchen and we had to make choices depending on our budget ie. whether to buy a double or single oven, hidden drawers, etc etc. Were they essential or a luxury.

Budgeting is all part of being a grown up and realising you can't have the moon on a stick.

So it's about SIL getting a more favourable rate than you could (interest free?) or being able to borrow more because not restricted by loan amounts?

As in 'gee thanks, if we'd known bank of Mum and Dad was open we wouldn't have waited 7 years and only borrowed £x'

or is it about you think ILs should have said to SIL, 'you don't need an extension at this point in your life,you can manage, save up and get one in a few years time like your brother has'.

fabforty

Coxy11 wrote: »

Maybe I should give SIL a book by Martin for Christmas :money::rotfl:

Only if you want to be petty and spiteful! In her shoes, I would be tempted to ram it down your throat .

New_and_Improved_Me

Coming from a large family (6 of us) i know that parents do what they can based on who needs the help and when.

As soon as I finished College I started working part time, i say part time but i did LONG hours around my Uni work.

As a result, I paid for my Own car, I paid all my Uni expenses living costs and never really asked for a single penny from my parents. The only real money they paid was my car insurance for about 2 years, a grand total of about 2K give or take.

So from the age i 19 I never really asked for a penny from my parents and have been self-sufficient, However, they did continue to provide a roof over my head and food in my belly (when i wanted it) until i moved out few years later.

However, my siblings never did a day’s work (Except for one) and my parents provided for everything, Uni. Accommodation/travel costs/fees/living costs..etc. More recently they even bought cars for them and paid for all related expenses.

I’ve never begrudged that....each to their own...

However, when I bought a house and needed to borrow money for an extension. I asked them and they never battered an eyelid. Just asked how much I wanted and gave me a Cheque for the amount, and have never expected it back.

I would say parents do what they can when they can.

Being a parent myself, I know that if it came to it…I would do everything I could to help my children out…and as such have already started planning for their future to give them all a helping hand if and when they need it….

If they don’t need it..…well in that case…...my new address is going to be ‘1 seychelles steet, seychelles’…..lol

poet123

As long as the end result is equality it shouldn't matter when the money is given. We helped ours through University and will do the same for our youngest but he will probably be doing Medicine so his course will be two years longer so he will obviously get more help because of that.

We have helped our oldest onto the property ladder and will do the same for the others when their turn comes (hopefully not too soon) but we are not a bottomless pit and there may come a time when we have to prioritise one over the other. If that happens we will do our best to see the balance restored at a later date. Currently the perception ( from the others) could be that we have helped the eldest out more, which is true as it stands, but it will not remain that way.

You walk a tightrope as a parent....god help you if you fall off!!!

duchy

I wonder if the in-laws knowing that them helping your SIL and her family would cause your OH to take umbrage had asked them to keep it quiet and when you SIL "slipped up" she was defensive because she realised she had done exactly what her parents had wanted to avoid.

Basic facts are you and your OH are having a strop because even though you didn't need the money and made it clear you were capable of doing it yourself to all and sundry -and it didn't even occur to you to ask his parents for an interest freeloan instead of going to the bank...... you are feeling "less loved" because another sibling got a better financial deal.

You then embarassed the whole family by causing a scene instead of quietly talking to the parents about it later.

Sorry but your husband sounds very immature and I do have to wonder if he has always had jealousy issues (not uncommon often older siblings feel the "baby" gets better treatment) with his sister and how the parents treated them both. Perhaps there is an element of "they are copers and don't need our help" possibly something you were quite proud of until you realised someone else got a better deal.

As for Christmas ........ Yes you're right if this isn't sorted out it'll be miserable. Perhaps you should stop feeling so outraged and take the attitude that life is too short.....and encourage your husband to take the view that it is a compliment that you are the coping couple and they are the couple who needed the bank of Mum and Dad and to act like the adults you are- butt out of something that sibling jealousy apart is none of your business and get on with living your lives. Unless of course you WANT a permanent rift within the family ?

You can't reverse what has happened so all you can do is decide if you move forward or "punish" the parents and sister and risk a family rift. Stop looking for "permission" to justify continuing the row .....decide what matters most to you -the moral high ground or family.