Simmering resentment

hgotsparkle

I can understand the resentment, I have faced it (though not on such a huge amount) MIL is constantly paying for things for SIL, gave her a lump sum when she first moved out, yet OH didn't even get a single thing of her for his birthday and we weren't given a lump sum when we got our own place, instead just offered some furniture they didn't want and were thinking of taking it to the tip.

I'm not resentful about it, I think its not good for SIL as shes dependent on other people and doesn't know how to think for herself, instead I just feel sorry for her, as me and OH are financially stable and don't need the handouts, yet SIL and her boyfriend do as they don't know any different.


This will all come to light when MIL has less money (as she is about to due to career change) and SIL will suffer, but its a lesson for her, which she needs.


So I don't waste my time or energy on it, yet OH will simmer about it and get himself wound up when theres no point, they're in the wrong, we're in the right so its left at that and we are civil to each other.
Thats the best way to look at it.

amus

I think as parents it's extremely important to treat kids, even when adults as equally as possible, otherwise it just leads to resentment.

If the SIL can't afford to borrow from the bank for an extension, the in laws shouldn't have offered to stump up the cash if they didn't do the same for your OH, regardless of whether you asked or not. I would have told her she would have to wait until she was in a position to lend from the bank like most other people do.


I always ensure I spend the exact same amount on each of my kids for birthdays and Christmases, otherwise it's just unfair.

duchy

Quite honestly if my host decided to start having a go at me about a financial thing that was actually none of his business and between me and another relative..... I might be tempted to suggest he mind his own business and if he didn't I might suggest he considered going forth and multiplying too. Just because you are someone's guest doesn't give them the right to comment on your private financial affairs. By kicking off you embarassed yourselves, his parents and everyone else there. Hardly host of the year material.

Look you obviously don't like your SIL but all this venom aimed at her is misplaced. Your husband is miffed his parents didn't offer to help you out (although you make it sound that even if they had you'd have refused) but have offered to help the daughter out. Their money, their choice -and honestly-none of your business what goes on between them financially.

Although it is important to treat CHILDREN fairly - once they are adults....it is entirely the parent's business what they choose to do with their money - both when they are alive and in their wills -if some offspring feel that isn't fair-that is their problem. Life sometimes isn't fair.

hgotsparkle

duchy wrote: »

Quite honestly if my host decided to start having a go at me about a financial thing that was actually none of his business and between me and another relative..... I might be tempted to suggest he mind his own business and if he didn't I might suggest he considered going forth and multiplying too. Just because you are someone's guest doesn't give them the right to comment on your private financial affairs. By kicking off you embarassed yourselves, his parents and everyone else there. Hardly host of the year material.

Look you obviously don't like your SIL but all this venom aimed at her is misplaced. Your husband is miffed his parents didn't offer to help you out (although you make it sound that even if they had you'd have refused) but have offered to help the daughter out. Their money, their choice -and honestly-none of your business what goes on between them financially.

Although it is important to treat CHILDREN fairly - once they are adults....it is entirely the parent's business what they choose to do with their money - both when they are alive and in their wills -if some offspring feel that isn't fair-that is their problem. Life sometimes isn't fair.

Am I missing something here? :huh:

FatVonD

hgotsparkle wrote: »

Am I missing something here? :huh:

Yes! I think Duchy was referring to this post:

Coxy11 wrote: »

The argument happened at our house when we were entertaining the whole family. It is really not on to be told to "eff off" in front of family members including children. I tell you, if we weren't related these people would not be in my circle of friends

Coxy

hgotsparkle

FatVonD wrote: »

Yes! I think Duchy was referring to this post:

Ah thanks! Didn't see that post!

Coxy11

You're right Duchy it's none of our business. SIL was bemoaning the fact that FIL doesn't want her to have composite work tops as they are too expensive so DH asked the question "what's your budget then?" This wasn't to be nosey but to gauge whether its worth blowing a lot of the expenditure on something that's not necessarily a necessity. She couldn't tell us the budget because it's bank of mum and dad. She started shouting and swearing and getting really aggressive. I actually felt a bit sorry for her having controlling parents, but not now! Blimey Christmas is going to be a bundle of laughs NOT!

victory

Coxy11 wrote: »

You're right Duchy it's none of our business. SIL was bemoaning the fact that FIL doesn't want her to have composite work tops as they are too expensive so DH asked the question "what's your budget then?" This wasn't to be nosey but to gauge whether its worth blowing a lot of the expenditure on something that's not necessarily a necessity. She couldn't tell us the budget because it's bank of mum and dad. She started shouting and swearing and getting really aggressive. I actually felt a bit sorry for her having controlling parents, but not now! Blimey Christmas is going to be a bundle of laughs NOT!

Why did the SIL react that way?

Bennifred

victory wrote: »

Why did the SIL react that way?

Probably feeling defensive.

victory

Bennifred wrote: »

Probably feeling defensive.

Yes now I've re read it feeling as if she had been 'caught out' spring to mind:D hence the defensive over reaction;)