Simmering resentment

duchy

I don't think most parents deliberately treat their children differently..... sometimes it's down to their own financial situation changing or differing needs.

My parents were so fed up with the secondary education I got that when it was my brother's turn four years later -they paid for him go privately. Would I have liked that chance ? I was a really bright child (my brother wasn't as academic) and I'd have loved it and probably gone on to university rather than feeling so disaffected at sixteen that I got out and went to work and didn't go to uni til years later.
I understood it was a struggle for my parents-my Mum gave up her cushy local part-time job to earn the fees working full-time commuting to London. I was a bit wistful but honestly not jealous.

On the other hand when I got married and had my first child my parents paid for the wedding and paid me an allowance to stay home for the first nine months of my son's life (I needed to go back financially at least part time -they paid me basically what my nett income after tax, travel , lunches childcare etc were deducted would be)- a blessing as my Dad died when my son was ten months old -had I gone back to work as planned he'd not have got to see his only grandchild almost every day until he died.

I've never totted up the figures-it doesn't matter - our parents did what they could for us when they felt we needed it most and it was what they could afford at that time (they sold their business between my brother leaving school and me getting married some years later -releasing a decent amount of capital)

My brother and I are different people - we had different needs just like the OP's husband and his sister, (I did wonder as she is the "baby" if he feels she always got the better deal though ? )

Bennifred

Sibling rivalry can be fierce, and perceived slights can rankle for years.:(

My DH's parents treated their children very differently financially and it's made us very conscious of being seen to be fair with our own children, or making sure that they all understood the reasons for decisions we made (eg why we paid for DS3 to go to a private school for a couple of years when the others had been to state schools - he needed specialist dyslexia teaching) They know they will get equal shares of any eventual inheritance - that's if we haven't managed to spend it all.....:)

sukysue

I do feel for you op it's a sad fact of life that some of us are not treated equally by our parents. One has everything given them on a plate and the other is thought nothing of. Very often it's the 'good; hardworking one who never gives the parents any trouble I don't know why, it just is.

marisco_2

Who do you resent? Your in laws for loaning the money, or your SIL and her husband for approaching them for it? To be honest I would leave them all to it and not let financial concerns between others occupy your thoughts so much. The fact remains that you can be proud that you approached renovations to your own home in a careful and considered manner. Yourself and your husband did it all off your own backs, without needing any monetary help from anyone else.

pollypenny

I sympathise with the OP. it seems unfair and no wonder her husband and his sister have cashed,

It's damn galling when you struggle, yet find a younger sibling having everything handed to them on a plate.

esmerelda98

I shouldn't be surprised to see people laying all the blame at the parents' feet. It has become a national pastime to blame one's parents for all one's failings and anything and everything else you can remotely pin on them.

It is true that if you don't ask, you don't get, but there seems no recognition that it can be inappropriate to even ask. We have a couple with three children and a four-bedroom house. If they aren't grown-ups, they certainly should be! There doesn't appear to be any desperate need for space. All the children have their own bedrooms, which is a luxury in my opinion, even if the youngest has a box room. Quelle horreur! I chose to live in a box room while I was at university. It was cheaper than the other rooms, but it was more than adequate for my needs.

The house decorations are dated, but there don't appear to be any safety issues, no structural work that needs urgently doing. In the region of £42,000 is a lot of money for most people, and if there was a sudden, unexpected need for cash, this couple could not return the money. Whilst the parents should have ensured that they could comfortably afford to cope without the money, there are many people who can be persuaded, especially by their children, to give more money, energy or time than they really want to or feel able to.

There may not even appear to have been a lot of pressure applied. Sometimes the act of asking is enough. An initial 'no' can change to 'yes' a while later. And some people consciously or unconsciously exploit their parents' vulnerabilities. A common scenario is mum as the back-up babysitter. Some mums would have to be at death's door to refuse, yet they get asked unexpectedly in less-than-emergency situations.

So I do think the SIL and her husband should have cut their coats according to their cloth, but if they felt the need to ask for parental financial assistance it should have been a more modest amount. Of course, that might have been the true scenario, but the parents then insisted on giving more. Regardless, it is pointless letting resentment eat away at you. Everyone now knows how you feel about the situation. It hurts, but try to move on, though that in itself will probably take time. Best wishes.

FBaby

I would feel the opposite of resentful. It sounds as if they only reason why they got this is because they lacked the pride in themselves to do it alone and felt no guilt asking her parents. That shows that they value material things over pride. It's certainly is nothing to be resentful of. When you go to their house and they make all their bragging comments about their beautiful house, remember what it is worth considering they couldn't do it alone.

74jax

If my parents were to help my brother out I wouldn't think he lacked pride because he had to ask for help. I wouldn't think badly of him or my parents.

I would like to think I could help my daughter out if she came to me.

Whether he would chose to save and buy it himself or have our parents give him the money wouldn't even make me think twice.

FBaby

If my parents were to help my brother out I wouldn't think he lacked pride because he had to ask for help. I wouldn't think badly of him or my parents.

There is a difference between approaching your parents when you really have a need and approaching them when you just want something that is a luxury but can't afford yourself.

HPoirot

Feeling hard done by is a normal reaction I think, when you have had to scrimp and save for something only to see your sibling swan in, ask your parents for the same thing and get it. The key is not to be resentful, for too long anyway. It won't change anything other than eat away at your energy.

I think it is hard for parents of adult children to be equal and fair towards all, because each child has their own circumstances and lifestyles. Some may need help more than the other or be more forthcoming with their pleas for help, which the parent feel they cannot refuse.

I have certainly felt hard done by in the past but the reasoning is they no longer have a duty to provide for any of us, so if giving my sister a brand new car gave my parents pleasure or the security of knowing my nieces have a safe school run, then they are entitled to use their money as they see fit.