Simmering resentment

itsanne

Ideally parents should treat their children as equally as possible, but the children's circumstances can dictate one getting more than another at any given time. Ultimately how parents decide to spend their money is their concern - grown up children do not have a right to it.

You and OH seem to know an awful lot about SIL's finances. It sounds as though because you waited, they should too. Maybe they should, but not necessarily for that reason, and it's not really your business. If you didn't ask, I don't see that you can complain.

If you allow this resentment to fester you risk damaging relationships and feeling constantly frustrated. It's not worth it. There are more important things in life to worry about.

aliasojo

Treevo wrote: »

Putting everything else aside - I can't bear the entitlement some people have over their parents' money.

I don't see any sense of entitlement here. I see a sense of injustice over treatment of siblings.

Gigglepig

Of course people can get hurt and upset if their parents treat them differently, even as adults. However your OH should perhaps direct this disappointment at his parents not his sister?

The parents can of course do whatever they like, but at the same time it is normal for siblings to feel hurt if they are treated so differently. ETA - this is a matter between your husband and his parents, if I were you I would support hom but otherwise stay well out of it.

BitterAndTwisted

Yes, I do think you are being unreasonable. Try to shrug off that resentment as it's really none of your business and those feelings will poison you, not the objects of your resentment.

I'd stand well back and do and say nothing. An arrangement such as this is destined to end in tears and when they do they won't be yours.

duchy

What a waste of energy simmering resentment is

You didn't ask for help .....maybe your SIL did maybe she didn't .
At some point the In-laws saw a chance to make things nicer for their grandchildren. Did you ever discuss with his parents your plans for an extension ...how you were saving up ...or planning to extend the mortgage ....or did you just one day announce you had everything in place and work was starting ? How would they have known you'd like their help ? They aren't mindreaders.
Are the two family's incomes similar or are you assumed to be "doing better" ? (even if it's only because you don't talk about whether you struggle or not)

What is done is done. You can move forward or let it ruin family relationships with bitterness. Your choice. Sometimes life isn't fair .....most adults accept that.

Oh and who is to say that two years ago the inlaws had money to spare (or time to do the interior) maybe things have changed in that time.

I too don't understand why your husband has argued with his sister. His complaint is surely with his parents ?

NinjaSavingKat

As unfair as it sounds they possibly see you and your DH as being more capable in looking after yourself and never thought you would have wanted/needed help. There is always that possibility that your SIL won't be able to up-keep repayments too them which will lead to resentment from MIL towards them.

Count your lucky stars you are not on the receiving end of that...

Be happy you have the common sense and kindness not to borrow such a large amount of money from pensioners (or thereabouts ) who will clearly need that money soon...

Whats gonna happen when your SIL can't pay it back..

No you are not wrong to feel resentment... I would be thoroghly annoyed. But is there anything you can do about it? Nope....

Live and let Live.... you are looking after you. Thats the thing to focus on and be proud of.

Treevo

aliasojo wrote: »

I don't see any sense of entitlement here. I see a sense of injustice over treatment of siblings.

I was referring to the posts that almost seemed to suggest that the OP demand her in laws structure their will to suit anyone other than themselves.

aliasojo

Treevo wrote: »

I was referring to the posts that almost seemed to suggest that the OP demand her in laws structure their will to suit anyone other than themselves.

Ah, that wasn't clear to me by your original post. It read as if you were talking about the OP.

poet123

Treevo wrote: »

I was referring to the posts that almost seemed to suggest that the OP demand her in laws structure their will to suit anyone other than themselves.

Most parents actively want to structure their wills to ensure the relationships between their children are not damaged by how they leave their money. I certainly wasn't suggesting anyone demand they do anything they don't want to do.

However, I suspect that the in laws are totally unaware of this simmering resentment and would be horrified to know that their helping one sibling is being seen this way by the other. I would want to know if my kids felt like that, I can't think of anything worse than dying knowing your kids fell out over something you did with the best of intentions.

Coxy11

Thank you all for your replies, much appreciated

I agree that the situation has been created by the in-laws rather than SIL. She is the youngest, only girl, they only earn 49K so not a lot coming into the house (yes, I am being slightly ironic here).

To answer the question - yes we did discuss many times the need to extend our house, it was no secret. We waited 7 years in order to earn enough to be able to do so. I feel very proud that DH and I have planned and worked really hard not to have to ask for handouts (lent or given) over the years.

I will, however, make damn sure my 3 kids are given equal treatment/money etc. when the time comes

Coxy