Simmering resentment

74jax

FBaby wrote: »

There is a difference between approaching your parents when you really have a need and approaching them when you just want something that is a luxury but can't afford yourself.

Either way though I wouldn't feel any different to my brother or parents. If they want to help him then that's fine.

Umistboy

sassyblue wrote: »

I just don't know how parents can treat one child different to the other in a situation like this, it's the in-laws who want their heads testing.

But have they?

From OP it sounds to me that the IL's knew of their plan to do everything themselves etc. Many people (myself included) would prefer this route rather than get "leg-ups" from family.

In this instance, I would not expect IL's to butt in and offer to lend them cash.

If OP/Husband decided to ask maybe the IL's would have gladly helped just the same.

SIL did ask and received.

That's how I read it all.

Cottage_Economy

I can understand the irritation and resentment at being treated differently, not to mention the confusion.

I came up against something similar myself. I went through hell in my late teenage years and early twenties getting myself qualified, scrimping by for six years living on next to nothing and holding down three jobs with little help from my parents but words of advice. At the time they had many insurance policies maturing and were spending a lot of it on holidays and jewellery and all sorts - as was their right - and although i felt a pang at the time i was determined when i was qualified i would get myself into a good financial position. That what i was going through was necessary sacrifice to better things, and that was certainly the vibe i got from my parents.

So imagine my shock 10 years later when i was getting married to find out they had given £10k to my sister to pay off her shopping debts around this time and sworn each other to secrecy so i wouldn't find out. Someone let it slip after they'd been drinking at a family party, so clearly many other people knew in the extended family. The deception had gone a long way.

After i found out they very swiftly offered me £10k as a 'dowry'.

I asked them what would have happened if i had never got married. They told me i would probably not have got the money, but then i probably wouldn't need it at any point in my life as i was much more financially savvy than my sister. I could see from the looks on their faces they felt guilty.

In the end i was treated the same as my sister in that i was given the money, but i've never felt the same about my parents since. It has affected our relationship. They brought me up to believe one thing and at the end of the day it worthless as they've not lived by the principles they've spouted when it came to my sister. They've also engineered a long-term deception to cover their tracks, which shocked me. I've been offered money since for various things, from new furnishings to cars, but i've refused. I've no doubt my sister hasn't, but I've never spoken to my sister about it and I never will.

Hubby and i look after ourselves and are as self- reliant as possible.

I just hope my sister hasn't been so used to being funded by my parents over the years that she doesn't come to me after they die looking for me to replace Bank of Mum and Dad.

Umistboy

gingin wrote: »

That is good but if you are so proud of yourselves then why are you so resentful of SIL who hasn't been able to achieve what you have?

If you truly feel like that then walk with your heads held high and feel the better people for it. As said before, the fall out will come later if they can't pay it back but you are better off on the side lines.

This is key for me.

I get the feeling that OP isn't that proud of what they did but it's really that they don't want SIL to be helped to "match" them. Is this a case of OP/Husband wanting the "higher ground" house wise and being resentful that the SIL is no longer beneath them? And being given the cash to achieve it?

victory

cottage economy I understand what you are saying, I have 2 kids and because of the age gap each child gets help when it arises.

No one has yet said that a parent doesn't have to help their child financially, if they can and do it is a huge bonus but not a given right or should be expected, after all the parents were not given the money they earns it, worked hard for it and saved it, what they choose to do with their investments is up to them, if it comes the way of the grown up child then fantastic.

My eldest works, always looking expectantly at the bank of mum and dad and it's closed mostly so that he can become independent financially and so he knows if it's real dire straights it's open but for a whim it's not , that way he works for his, doesn't expect ours.

I know this is about one treated different , mine could say the same because the help is age related and one is younger but it works out in the end.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

My bro has had financial help, even just after I paid my mums mortgage for 4 years so she could retire early, to look after his kids. But I have no resentment, I really can't see the point.

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

There is a difference between approaching your parents when you really have a need and approaching them when you just want something that is a luxury but can't afford yourself.

We don't actually know if the SIL asked or if the parents offered though.

FatVonD

Perhaps the inlaws see it as the same thing as extending the mortgage, that both loans will have to be paid back (even if the terms are more preferential and in reality they will die before the debt is repaid)?

I'm an only child and have just one child so it's not something that's affected me personally but I can kind of see how, if I had two children and one was more fortunate than the other that I might want to 'even things out' a little. I wouldn't for instance want one to live in poverty because they were less academic than the other and didn't have the same career choices open to them. I do believe that people should generally have worked for what they have when it comes to your own kids maybe normal rules don't apply? (But that's not saying that someone with a household income of £47k is in need of help, my first paragraph is more in relation to the OP's situation!)

Coxy11

Hi, thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to read and comments. Seems to be a 50/50 split on whether we should feel resentment or not towards SIL and in laws.

In this case (ie. the extension funds) I'm unsure whether SIL asked for the money or was offered it. What I can say is that she is shameful in asking for help generally and expecting in laws to drop everything to assist - childcare being the main one (I could bore you senseless on this topic, that's if you're not bored enough already :rotfl:)

I have no problem with SIL having the same sized or bigger house than me - good luck to her. What is galling is DH working long hours and me working two jobs around my children to fund our borrowing from a bona fide bank. Yes it's our choice to live in/extend our house as we see fit, but relatively speaking our income vs mortgage in percentage terms is the same as SILs.

We are proud of what we have, as I said before, but not in a smug way. We are modest people. The argument happened at our house when we were entertaining the whole family. It is really not on to be told to "eff off" in front of family members including children. I tell you, if we weren't related these people would not be in my circle of friends

Coxy

FatVonD

I wonder what will happen, OP, should your inlaws need residential care in the next 7 years and the loan be seen as disposal of assets. Maybe your SIL will have to move them into her newly-extended home and become their carers to avoid paying it back

(Maybe that's why the inlaws are helping to extend her home!)