How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

Bennifred

quidsy wrote: »

my 15 year old neice has been asking around for jobs for over a year. Sweeping hair, helping in sandwich shop, everyting except a paper round as her mum doesn't want her out at 5-6am in the dark alone ....................

At that age they aren't allowed to start before 7am - my three all did paper rounds from the age of 13 until they could get better paying jobs in supermarkets etc at 16.

alinwales

I imagine that it's difficult for under 16s to get a job these days.. it was 20 years since I had my paper round, and even then the tides were turning on how much I could earn (I used to collect customer's money each week and was paid a bit extra for doing that, but that task was being pushed out to adults instead as I was maturing towards an indoor job at 16). However, if the spending is reigned in now, there will be more appreciation of getting a job and earning more when he does turn 16, then a bigger world of possibilities opens up.
I'd like to come back here in 6 months to find out if anything has changed

LannieDuck

I think I would be inclined to write a list of the things you will pay for:

* Basic haircut every 2 months at the local barbers - £10/time
* Basic trainers twice a year - £50/pair, or 'posh' trainers for birthday/xmas if preferred
* One cinema trip each month - £10/visit
* School uniform as required
* Basic winter coat - £50
* £20/week for school lunches, and/or packed lunches as required

etc

Then I'd put £20 (or whatever you and husband agree) into his account every week, and anything he wanted above and beyond the basics above, he'd need to save for. If he must have stylish hair, that's a choice, and it can come out of his allowance. If he wants to pay for an upgrade to the basic trainers, then he'll need to save up a couple of weeks' allowance.

And of course he's welcome to supplement his allowance with a job

DigForVictory

Weekly budgeting *didn't* help?

Ah. Sorry for you both, but really even if you can afford to give him more, he needs to learn to make what he has last the month. (Do please have this chat with - indeed show the whole thread to - your husband?! Just to keep everyone on the same page in the ledger...)

I'd certainly sit down and draw up the budget he's currently on, showing exactly what is for what & how much. (Me, I'd sound a bit pensive about the numbers, as if I was planning to reduce them, but I'm a wicked rotten meanie that way.) It will also give hm a clear eyed look at the idea that these figures Could Go Down.

Whether that idea penetrates is up to this fortunate & delightful lad, & I wish all the household the best of luck - as it is a tough lesson to learn, but oh-so-much-better young - like learning foregin languages.

Others have said add the chores in to the basic package - but they don't have to share a house with him. If he can't cover everything on his allowance then chores are a face saving pretext. A clear warning that part time work will replace some of his allowance is reasonable, although you may choose to be generous & keep it (do not flex for inflation) while he's in school.

As for volunteering - does he Scout? As they can and do volunteer as Young Leaders from 14 on, but it isn't for everyone.

All the very best with this - please come back for any reassurance you are doing the right thing!

Spendless

Maybe I'm reading your post in a different light but I wasn't reading it that you are complaining about how expensive you find the cost of tutors, dinners and haircuts etc but you are wondering what he is doing with the £40 when clothes, haircuts, dinners and socialising don't have to come out of this?

We had the same issue with our son. He was getting £20 a month and spending it on junk food. It is a 'social event' to visit the shops on the way to and from school with the Secondary school age kids around here and being 5 miles from the town centre it is mainly local (dearer) shops open.

Assuming the haircuts do cost £20 and he's not pocketing any change and all the £150 does go on clothes every quarter then he has just over £1 a day. Is he buying a drink maybe on the way to or from school and maybe treating a mate to one too? Are your school dinners really £5 a day? They are £2.10 for my son, but there are 'add ons' they try and sell them at the school canteen, a bottle of water for about 50p and you can change your dessert to a cookie or something for extra. Is he doing something like this?

reason2

i think too many people on here are ignoring the point..

the OP asked about how to be more assertive and stick with saying no..

the OP stated they COULD afford the amount being spent

the OP did not ask for suggestions on how to get cheaper haircuts and so on..

£150 clothing allowance would last me 2 years.. but if he gets it every 3 months then so be it..

the simple answer is - put £100 in to his account on 1st of the month, to cover all outings and purchases socially. If he spends it too quickly he stays in or does a freebie for the rest of the month.. like we would do.

if you want to keep paying his tutors and clothes and school meals then go for it- it means £100 a month should be more than enough to go out.

you just have to make it crystal clear that once its gone its gone.. if he desperately wants more then he has to sell something or work for it.

19lottie82

double_mummy wrote: »

WHAT?????????????

he really needs to learn about living within his means!



he has obviously been wanting things like.......airwalks

:rotfl:

sorry shouldn't laugh but these were popular when I was 15 (1997) and haven't seen them in years.

But yeah, no way do trainers cost £100 for a 14 year old unless you are buying top of the range, customised air maxes!

CATS

Hi Spendless, I think a bit of both really, I am not complaining on what he currently gets, more trying to find a way of coping with the guilt of saying NO when he has run out of allowance money. Mum, can I have £5? eerr no cause you already had your allowance, him - hurt puppy look face, Me: feel like c rap all day cause I could have just given it to him and feel mean for having said no. I think Balletshoes gave me a good visual aid, I will picture him sticking his hands in the electric sockets as a toddler and me saying No!!!

But having read through this has given me a lot of food for thought and hopefully make me firmer. I will practice, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO

RancidM

reason2 wrote: »

i think too many people on here are ignoring the point..

Indeed...

i have two younger children who both get allowance.
i have a very simple tactic for dealing with claims for additional funds and it involves roaring with laughter with a splattering of "you've got no effing chance mate", Occasionally they will try to be a little more persistent but a quick offer to recall what it was like when i was a boy soon sorts that out.

as mentioned many times stick to your guns and be firm, you will prevail and the lad will learn.

reason2

maybe visualise when hes older instead.. if someone is always told yes how are they going to act when people start saying No - especially when hes over 18 or when you are not around..

will he get angry? will he give up? if he isnt prepared now when its needed it will be too late - and then come loans, and debts and CCJ's and thefts and robbery - ok some may be extreme but if someone is used to getting what they want when they want, the likelyhood of them being able to cope at 18 or over with a constant barrage of No's is unlikely.

ask him.. when im not here to help what will you do when the bank says no.. or your boss says no..