How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

dibuzz

CATS wrote: »

by the way, those who had a job from 14 onwards, where are you based? I have been trying to get him a job, even as a volunteer and no one is willing to take him until he is 15/16. He is more than willing to do it, we just cant find someone who will take him. I am going to ask a frined who runs his own business to take him on as a volunteer, at least it will give him some work experience, apart from that no one wants to even look at his CV as he is only 14. We are based in London

He needs to try to get his own job and stand on his own 2 feet.
I'm as guilty as anyone for doing too much for my kids but they need to grow up and become independent.
It's hard to watch them make mistakes and run out of money but its the best way for them to learn.

newcook

At first, I thought £40 a month for sweets and magazines is a lot but when you break it down its only £1.33 a day. Heck, this morning I bought a (cheap) tv mag and a pack of chewing gum and didn’t get much change from £1!!!

OP, ask him what he is buying from the sweet shop and see if you can get it cheaper from poundland - if he is buying a can of pop and a packet of crisps, my guess is that’s about £1.20 where as the poundshop sells 3 cans of pop for £1 and the bags of crisps are multi-packs. You could even dole them out to him before he goes to school if you think he might get too greedy.

justme111

I do not understand , clothing allowance - you say it is cheaper than buying him what he wants - do you give him £ 150 a month and he then goes and buys clothes ? If you think it is the best way to use your money you can of course. I would have to be on an income of £150000+ to spend it ony daughters clothing and even then u doubt I would but hey ho , may be you spend yourself 500 a month on it so it would be understansdable you do mot want to discriminate against him. 40 a month just for sweets/magazines ? Wow.but amounts aside , you either give him allowance beyond clothing , food and mobile and then stick to it or give him money as and when required. I reckon you are trying to compensate for something hence guilt ... Until you look into it you will not change.

Mojisola

Add up what you're giving him and work out how much he'd have to earn if he was working in order to have that much spending money - add on what he'd need to pay rent, utilities, etc, and you'll see how he's living in a dream world.

You are doing him no favours by giving him such a distorted view of money.

It can also be sobering to say to him "I have to work for X hours in order to earn the £20 you want for a trip to the cinema". Give the money a context in the real world - that's where he's going to have to live when he stops being your little boy.

RAS

CATS wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies, you are so right, I will have to be firm because it is for his own good. To the person asking what am I compesating for? well neither, I am not a single mum, I am very happily married and have a wonderful family unit, my son has grown up in a loving, understanding household.

In which case the first conversation you need to have is with your husband.

Once you are both on the same page, talk to junior together.

Otherwise he willbe able to play you off against each other.

CATS wrote: »

I guess I wanted him to have everything I didn't, that might be what is behind this.

You need to address this; talk it through with your husband first and look at other support if you need it.

RAS

Mojisola wrote: »

It can also be sobering to say to him "I have to work for X hours in order to earn the £20 you want for a trip to the cinema".

40 minutes for a lot of reasonably paid people in London.

VJsmum

CATS wrote: »

VJsmum, you actually made me chuckle, no he is definitely not having it stolen, I check his statements and to be honest it looks like we are keeping the corner shop alive. He is def not into booze and cigarrettes, neither me nor his dad drink or smoke and he is too immature to even go there, plus he tells me everything so I would know. When we have parties he has had the chance to try alcohol at home and he doesnt like it.

Oh phew - I was worried you might take offense. Glad that it isn't anything more sinister.

Dark_Star

When I had part time jobs at 14 it was several decades ago but there was lots out there & I lived in a small village. They were either weekends or after school.

You do not need a cv for a kids job - help out in old folks home doing the washing up/peeling spuds etc. Sweeping up in hair dressers/butchers...washing floors in pubs...

Menial character building jobs

He needs to look presentable & start ASKING politely if anyone has something for a teen.

Surely you could "network" & find something?.

Failing that : dog walking/car washing/gardening/mowing lawns for pensioners....all you have to do is think....

Paper rounds are still advertised out my way even now... even the free papers pay you to deliver them...:p

bluenoseam

I think you can also teach him a lot about sensibility with budgeting - you go to the vending machine and you're looking at £1 for a can of coke, if you go to the supermarket you'll get a six pack for around £3 which should last the whole school week. (Better yet, a six pack of bottled water is only £2 - significantly better!) By introducing him to that method as opposed to popping to the corner shop it'll make his £40 go a lot further. Cripes there are people on these boards who can feed a family of 4 for around about that a week!

The mistakes you iron out in a 14 year old are the mistakes that cause an adult going bankrupt - you might be "comfortable" but that can change in a heartbeat & he needs to be able to cope should that happen. He won't be able to get a proper job until he's 16, but that doesn't mean you can't "employ" him around the house to earn his pocket money & lifestyle. Doesn't matter how minted you are, floors still need a hoover run over them, there's still laundry to be done & suchlike - and it'll make him understand that money comes from some place. Might sound old school, but if I got £40 to wash up & chuck a load of washing in the machine it'd make it feel a lot more "worthwhile". (that's rich, I've just whacked a load of washing on right now for nowt - although I think 29's slightly too old to go marching to the parental unit demanding payment don't you!)

I don't doubt that you are a happy family unit, but I think you need to consider if your habits are clouding his judgement of how the world works. Someone has to have busted their backside in your house to get to the stage you can drop £500 a month on him without thinking - THAT'S the thing I'd be giving him, the knowledge that in order to do that, you HAVE to put the graft in. Cos right now he just sees you as bank of Mum & Dad and that's not the right image to project, especially when you clearly have some better image to get out there.

CATS

RAS, my husband is of the opinion that I should just stop giving him the £40 as he is not learning to budget as he was supposed to. I know he is right but I will try my best to say no and view it as me protecting and teaching him. In front of our son we stand together on decisions even if we dont agree, son knows he can't play us off against each other

Justme111, its £150 every 3 months not per month, considering a pair of his trainers cost £100 this is the best way.

I think as some of you suggested, I will sit down with him and go through his bank statements to make him see exactly what he is wasting his money on