How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

quidsy

It isn't actually that easy anymore to find jobs for kids still in school, Health & safety & child labour laws stop alot of companies taking on younger kids.

We live just outside London in a busy town & my 15 year old neice has been asking around for jobs for over a year. Sweeping hair, helping in sandwich shop, everyting except a paper round as her mum doesn't want her out at 5-6am in the dark alone but anything in the day after school early evening & weekend has been a bust.

I had a job from 11 & all through senior school, i could practically walk into any chippie, hair salon or resteraunt & get a job on the spot but things are harder now.

CATS

VJsmum, no, not at all, I am open to all suggestions, that's the only way we learn right? as parents any advice/views are welcome

Mojisola

RAS wrote: »

40 minutes for a lot of reasonably paid people in London.

It's still 40 minutes of Mum's time! Would he match her time with doing stuff round the house that takes 40 minutes? That might bring home to him that money does have to be worked for.

RAS

Martin has something called a demotivator.

Take the cost of a coffee (say £2), multiple by 5 for the working week, then by 50 for sake of ease. That is £500 spent on coffees every year.

What else could you buy for £500 (including 5 pairs of designer trainers)?

quidsy

considering a pair of his trainers cost £100 this is the best way.

change that to "considering I pay £100 for a pair of trainers instead of looking at cheaper options"

If my neice wants £100 trainers she saves up her birthday & Christmas money to get it, all other times she goes to sports direct & my sister will buy her a cheaper pair, in the sale or from a cheaper range.

double_mummy

CATS wrote: »

Justme111, its £150 every 3 months not per month, considering a pair of his trainers cost £100 this is the best way.

WHAT?????????????

he really needs to learn about living within his means!

unless his feet are absolutely massive (over a size 12) then they should not be costing this much every 3 months this is another thing of what he wants rather than what he can afford

sports dircet have trainers up to size 12 starting at £7 so he can absolutely reduce this right down

he has obviously been wanting things like nike air max and airwalks is he like this with all his clothing? if so he needs a real lesson in shopping too

RAS

Mojisola wrote: »

It's still 40 minutes of Mum's time! Would he match her time with doing stuff round the house that takes 40 minutes? That might bring home to him that money does have to be worked for.

Agreed; and a lot less than the 3 hours plus that many NMW parents would have to work. Cripes 16 hours work for a pair of designer trainers!

double_mummy

Mojisola wrote: »

It's still 40 minutes of Mum's time! Would he match her time with doing stuff round the house that takes 40 minutes? That might bring home to him that money does have to be worked for.

i meant that if he was working for someone doing odd jobs he could expect about £5 an hour and would therefore equate it to 4 hours of his own work

i dont know many 14 year olds earning £20 an hour lol

Caroline_a

CATS wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies, you are so right, I will have to be firm because it is for his own good. To the person asking what am I compesating for? well neither, I am not a single mum, I am very happily married and have a wonderful family unit, my son has grown up in a loving, understanding household. I guess I wanted him to have everything I didn't, that might be what is behind this.

Jo Jo he is very active and not obesse. The packed lunch was a one off yesterday as he was not able to get his school meals due to the activity he had on.

You all make so much sense and I think the way I need to see it, is as me protecting him. I need to change the way I let him deal with this and learn. I have actually planned his whole future including having a deposit for his first house ready in a savings account now!!

balletshoes, your advice in particular has helped me to view it in a different way, you are right, I wouldn't allow him to hurt himself when he was little so why now??? Thank you for that perspective, really helps. I think I will be picturing the electricity socket everytime I say no
Unfortunately they dont come with a manual and I only have one so I guess I will make mistakes on him along the way, that we will hopefully both learn from.

This leapt out at me, OP. You cannot plan your child's future, that is for them to do. I had a very good friend a few years ago, who had one son. He went to private school and had everything he wanted. He was a polite, well-mannered boy, and his parents were happily married, lovely people who were well-paid professionals.

Then at 18 he went off the rails. He refused to go to uni (he was certainly clever enough), grew his hair and moved abroad to live rough for a few years. They were devastated, they had planned everything for this boy down to the last details, as you seem to be doing. Eventually, about 10 years later he came back, but wasn't the son they had hoped for, and certainly his chosen career wasn't what they would have picked for him.

You and your husband have (hopefully) been lucky enough to live your lives the way that you want to. Now allow the same courtesy and freedom for your son. Or you may be very very disappointed.

skylight

CATS wrote: »

With regards to paying his allowance weekly, we tried, it worked out more expensive than the £40!!

It only worked out that way because you let it!

Only you can figure out how to be more firm with your son rather than going all gooey eyed and melting. He is your son, not your best mate and you are not doing him any favours if you cannot stand firm with him.