How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

double_mummy

justme111 wrote: »

I disagree with the outrage over £100 trainers , if they can afford it why not. Or you suggest she buys £80 shoes for herself for example and £14 ones for a son? yup thats exactly what i suggest OP works for their money son does not son is at the age where he no longer requires full hand outs from mum and dad if he wants something other than the basic things he needs he should pay for them Or the whole family should go to primark ? no but there is a middle ground between primark and trainers that are £100 (if he is spending the same amount on clothes) when its his parents money that he is frittering away That's certainly their choice and would see it as weird if they intentionally lived on a budget range if comfortably being able to afford other alternatives .
The issue is not the amount spent, its that mother is unhappy about feeling guilty when she says no to her sons asking and at the same time feeling guilty for feeling guilty
That quote about his house deposit being saved already and all life mapped did feel like something unhealthy to me ...very strange to me
By the way op , do not forget - the more you give your son what you have not had the less likely he will be like you. absolutely right!!!!! I am sure you Luke yourself , would not you want your son to have some of your qualities ?

my little thoughts

CATS

Is having his deposit for a house saved already really that strange?
I thought most parents will start putting money aside for their children when they are little, I have been saving for this since he was born, so 14 years now. I only save a few hundred ££ a month but it adds up so he now has a substantial amount that will continue to grow until he is 18, 21, whenever he wants to buy a house. It will also pay for his car and drivig lessons and insurance. I didnt realise that it was that weird. I wish my parents would have done that if they could. I know not everyone can do it but if you can why not?? would make a lovely wedding present?

Melaniep101

Bennifred wrote: »

CATS - your way of treating your son is actively harming him (his future of feeling entitled/disappointment is looming!). Do you want to harm his future? No? :cool: That's why you must say no.

I completely agree with this. Teenagers today (generally speaking) seem to have this sense of entitlement, my 19 year old daughter is the same. I am always being reminded about how her friends are given money/bought cars/taken shopping by their parents and how mean I am in comparison. I've tried to instill a work ethic by not just handing over money, and by suggesting she earns her own money.

I think your son needs to be introduced to the "work hard = earn money" equation that most of us have to adhere to!

justme111

double_mummy wrote: »

my little thoughts

Well no kids work for their money. By your logic no high quality/ luxury/ expensive clothes /shoes/treats are to be got for them because they do not earn money. I would see it as very unhealthy close to abuse situation if grown ups in family had good quality shoes , manicure , cars , restaurants , holidays while a teen would be denied a pair of trainers that are teens staple wear they can afford just because he does not earn yet.

marisco_2

I really don't understand this feeling of guilt that you refer to. From what you advise you provide a very comfortable life for your son, where all his needs are met and he receives privileges that few young people of his age enjoy. Are you trying to compensate for something, by throwing money at him left, right and centre? If not then drop the feelings of guilt straightaway.

By saying no to him you are enabling him to learn that he needs to live within a budget. He will grow into a money savvy young man who appreciates the value of things, and not someone who expects whatever he wants to simply land in his lap. That is a good thing not something to berate yourself about.

Sequeena

I would feel no guilt in your situation, your son is extremely lucky and I don't think he appreciates that!

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

I disagree with the outrage over £100 trainers , if they can afford it why not. Or you suggest she buys £80 shoes for herself for example and £14 ones for a son?

I thought it was more of a budgeting issue. The son has an allowance for clothes - if he wants to buy £100 trainers and his allowance is enough, that's his choice.

What he shouldn't be able to do is to come back for more - "I haven't got enough left for other clothes because I bought £100 trainers". Money can only get spent once - £50 trainers and £50 for other things OR £100 trainers and nothing else.

balletshoes

CATS wrote: »

Is having his deposit for a house saved already really that strange?
I thought most parents will start putting money aside for their children when they are little, I have been saving for this since he was born, so 14 years now. I only save a few hundred ££ a month but it adds up so he now has a substantial amount that will continue to grow until he is 18, 21, whenever he wants to buy a house. It will also pay for his car and drivig lessons and insurance. I didnt realise that it was that weird. I wish my parents would have done that if they could. I know not everyone can do it but if you can why not?? would make a lovely wedding present?

does he know you have all this money already laid aside for his use? If he does, that could end up being a huge barrier to his own motivation - after all, what does he have to strive for? Nothing, because you have it all covered.

Mojisola

balletshoes wrote: »

does he know you have all this money already laid aside for his use? If he does, that could end up being a huge barrier to his own motivation - after all, what does he have to strive for? Nothing, because you have it all covered.

Also, once you give the money to him, it's his to spend.

You might see a house deposit - he might see months of partying on a beach somewhere hot.

Dunroamin

double_mummy wrote: »

i meant that if he was working for someone doing odd jobs he could expect about £5 an hour and would therefore equate it to 4 hours of his own work

i dont know many 14 year olds earning £20 an hour lol

I don't know many 14 year olds earning £5 per hour! NMW for 16/17 year olds is only £3.68.