How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

One of my exes had a trust fund set up for him by a grandparent. It was intended to go on a house deposit or university education.


Come his 18th birthday, he started the campaign. Puppy eyes, sad stories, escalating to anger when he didn't get it.


By the time he was 18 and a half, the family caved in because they didn't like saying no to him.

By 19, it was all gone. He had a car, some fancy clothes and the rest went up in a puff of smoke (literally, well what didn't go up his and others' noses once his new 'friends' who had encouraged him to 'stand up for what was his' found out just how much he had in the bank).


As a grown man, he decided his car wasn't good enough, compared to his girlfriend's new one. He bought a new one on a credit card - three months before his child was born, leaving the child's mum to support everybody in the family with her limited income, barely managing to meet the rent.

And after the kid was born, he treated the family - himself - to a new TV, video, stereo and a holiday nobody else wanted to go on. All on credit.


When the money completely ran out, he decided his best future was to leave his partner for somebody else who had very supportive parents and a lump sum in the bank. They're now splitting up (grass is greener yet again) and they're faced with selling a tatty old house that he never worked on in the subsequent years, because fun new and expensive hobbies like off roading with Range Rovers and motorbikes were too important to wait until the hole in the kitchen roof had been repaired.




And Mummy and Daddy still bail him out by paying for the solicitor most likely to ensure he gets the largest share from the sale of the house.

paulineb_2

balletshoes wrote: »

The OP has already said (in her first and then subsequent posts) that she can afford it, as well as everything else she pays for her son each month.

If she can afford it, she could keep saying yes without any issues, but obviously theres something up when she feels like she has to put her foot down and say no, because if she was happy just to keep saying yes with no issues, thats what shed be doing.

balletshoes

paulineb wrote: »

If she can afford it, she could keep saying yes without any issues, but obviously theres something up when she feels like she has to put her foot down and say no, because if she was happy just to keep saying yes with no issues, thats what shed be doing.

maybe I'm getting this wrong, but I think the OP wants to say No because she knows that keeping saying Yes to him is not doing him any favours in the long run? ie just because she can afford to give him new trainers every week, doesn't mean its a good idea type of thing?

BitterAndTwisted

The wonderful thing about saying "no" is that the more you say it, the easier it gets. I approve of getting plenty of practice in.

paulineb_2

balletshoes wrote: »

maybe I'm getting this wrong, but I think the OP wants to say No because she knows that keeping saying Yes to him is not doing him any favours in the long run? ie just because she can afford to give him new trainers every week, doesn't mean its a good idea type of thing?

I have no idea why she wants to start saying no, she just said she was finding it tough

But I agree, its certainly not doing him any favours in the long run

Neither I think is handing over £100k for a house deposit but thats entirely her choice to make.

[Deleted User]

I don't think giving your kids large amounts of stuff/money is intrinsically bad - but you have to set expectations appropriately.

I always knew that when I turned 16, I had to find a part-time job or I would loose my 'pocket money' (allowance). When I was at university, I knew my parents would only support me If I was employed during the summer/Xmas breaks. When I was older, I knew my parents would give me money towards a house deposit - but only if I was debt free and had saved a good portion of a deposit myself.

I knew my parents could give more, but I understood I had to work for things too. The most important thing you can give your child is a hard work ethic. You are setting them up for a fall if you don't

Frith

I'll be hiding this thread from my son (nearly 13). He gets £2 a week pocket money!

FBaby

You cant teach him to appreciate anything, people either do or they dont, but I bet he would appreciate things more if he had to go without once in a while.

Those are the wisest words I read for a long time

claire16c

£20 to go to the cinema??

Even if you're in London & a ticket is £10, what's the other £10 for? If he's got £40 pocket money he can use that to buy sweets/popcorn or sneak it in like the rest of us.

I can't believe he gets that much clothing allowance & asks you for more!

Unbelievable.

itsanne

CATS wrote: »

Hi All,

I guess this is more a question for the parents of teenagers. I have an only child who is 14 now. He is currently becoming a money pit and I am feeling really guilty about saying no to his financial demands

So I give him £40 monthly allowance
I pay £100 per month for his school meals
£20 per month for his haircuts
he has free bus travel to school
I pay for all his trips out with friends, including, cinema,etc
I give him £150 every 3 months clothing allowance
I pay £26 per month for his phone contract
I pay 2 tutors per week totalling £200 per month. Of course this money doesnt go to him but..

Anyway he seems to run out of his monthly allowance 2 weeks into the month, and then his asking for money starts. Mummy can I borrow £5, mummy can I have £1, ummy am going out can I have £10.

Last weekend £10, today £1, yesterday he had to take packed lunch to school as he was doing some activity, anyway he took a sandwich, crisps and drink. He then sends a text saying can you please put £5 into my account as I am still hungry, this means he will go to nasty chicken shop after school as school canteen closed already. I said no I have no money go home and eat there!! However I felt so guilty about it, all I kept thinking was my poor son startving, or course that is not the case but I feel so guilty. I can affort it so money is not an issue, its more that I want to teach him to be good with money but my guilt of saying no ensures I fail miserably at it. I know its my own problem and if I dont teach him it will affect him when he gets older, I just dont know how to get over my guilt. Any strategies from you parents out there will be great. actually putting it in writing does also help I just think poor him, he has no other source of income

Normally I would read all the posts in a recent thread before replying, but there are so many so quickly that I haven't this time so apologies that I'm bound to be repeating things already said.

I can't work out why you feel guilty at the prospect of saying no to your son. You think "poor him, he has no other source of income" and give him more money. Not having income other than pocket money is normal for a fourteen year old. Feeling guilt for that reason suggests that you are trying to compensate for something else, and maybe that is what you need help with.

If you have to feel guilty about your son's finances, I'd be more concerned about the damage your current approach is doing him. The scenario you describe is going to be very bad for your son. He will learn nothing about budgeting or the value of money, or about planning. He will be unable to cope with the next stage of his life. That is a huge problem. Just look on the debt free areas of this site to see the kind of difficulties people get into without these essential skills.

The amount your son is currently given, even before the extra that he asks for, is almost certainly considerably larger than most teenagers. The amount he is able to spend on himself is probably more than many working adults have available!

It would be easy to criticise the amount of money you give your son for certain things, but at the end of the day that is for you to decide. Instead I would suggest practical steps to hhelp you try to enable your son for the future.

First of all work out what you think he needs in total for a month (or other amount of time). You can be as extravagant or as parsimonious as you like. What the rest of us on here think doesn't actually matter. Perhaps you could include an amount to save, and when he actually saves it you add to it as an incentive.

Then talk to your son. Explain the problems with how things are at the moment. Go over what you think is reasonable with him. Be prepared to negotiate. (It might even be worth keeping something back from the total you tell him initially or the negotiating.) You could also alert him to ways of making his money go further, with Orange Wednesdays for the cinema etc.

I would recommend some strings attached - more money if he does certain things, less if he doesn't.

As you say your son has been completely unable to manage with a monthly allowance, start off with weekly - after all, the idea is for him to succeed . If he struggles within the week, don't give him more. He won't learn that way, he won't starve and missing an activity won't do him any harm at all.

Once he is managing weekly, move to fortnightly and ultimately to monthly. It would also be useful to keep talking about money and budgeting with him.

For your son's sake, you really do need to make some urgent changes. He'll thank you in the long run.