How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

Dunroamin

I just wonder what happens at Christmas and parents' birthdays, does your son buy presents for the two of you out of his allowance?

paulineb_2

Hes getting over £5000 a year spent on him plus the extra money when he runs out. And that doesnt count all his social activities which you pick up the tab for so you could easily be looking at another £1000 - £1500 a year on top.

I think you do need to have a think about what is necessary and what isnt, regardless of whether you can afford it or not

I think you could consider cutting the clothes allowance down to £100 every 3 months. I am assuming he has built up a stock of clothes from his previous allowances? I am aware kids grow quickly as well and if hes growing he needs new clothes, but you could strike some sort of compromise, if he goes to somewhere like sports direct for his trainers etc, hed get more for his money

Lunches, he doesnt need £100 a month for lunches. No teenager needs £5 a day plus more if he runs out

Haircuts? He gets his haircut once every month? Lots of places will do a mens or teenagers cut for under £10, you could cut that down

Mobile phone contract, he pays for his own (possibly with some of his savings from his generous clothing allowance)

You also run the risk of him wanting more the older he gets, because when hes 18, he'll be out much more than he is now, pubs, clubs, its what teenagers do.

You could easily find yourself doubling what you give him in a few years

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Crikey - that's £436 a month.

I don't think I have ever spent that much on myself in any month - ever...And he's 14.

*gobsmacked

meer53

OP, you must start to teach your son how to budget. You're not doing him any favours.

My daughter is 13. My ex and i split up when she was 2 and she was spoilt rotten by her Daddy. He thought buying her laptops, iphones etc was the way to her heart. It made him feel better about leaving her to run off with his floozie. Then he lost his 6 figure salary job and the gifts stopped, as did my maintenance.

He then had to somehow explain to our daughter why she couldn't have the latest trainers/laptop/ipad/iphone. My financial circumstances changed dramatically too but as i'd never indulged our daughter like her Daddy had, it was easier for me.

What i'm trying to say is that you can never be sure that things will remain the same, you should prepare your son for his life ahead. What you're doing is the opposite, you're allowing him to be irresponsible with money which will be of no use to him when he has to look after himself. Any future partner of your son won't thank you for what you're doing now either.

Don't feel guilty about saying no, it really is the best thing to do, saying yes is absolutely the wrong thing.

paulineb_2

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Crikey - that's £436 a month.

I don't think I have ever spent that much on myself in any month - ever...And he's 14.

*gobsmacked

I dont think I have either, even in days where I was earning a lot more than I do now. In fact if I added up haircuts, socialising and clothing Id say Ive probably spent about £400 this year on all of those combined

And thats probably a generous estimate.

olibrofiz

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but wow, I would think my 18 year old DD would like to live with you!!!

EDIT: She gets £25pw and out of that buys whatever she wants for her lunch (I got fed up throwing away stuff she liked, and went off) - and out of that she needs to save for cinema/friends birthdays/mobile top-up. She probably gets £100 every 3-ish months for clothes, and if I've got a bit extra I'll give her money for cinema etc. She'd be in heaven with your budget

I say NO because I really can't afford to keep DD in the lifestyle she would like- but I don't think it's harming her - IMO she needs to know money doesn't come from a never-ending pot!

Dunroamin

olibrofiz wrote: »

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but wow, I would think my 18 year old DD would like to live with you!!!

EDIT: She gets £25pw and out of that buys whatever she wants for her lunch (I got fed up throwing away stuff she liked, and went off) - and out of that she needs to save for cinema/friends birthdays/mobile top-up. She probably gets £100 every 3-ish months for clothes, and if I've got a bit extra I'll give her money for cinema etc. She'd be in heaven with your budget

Tell her there's a queue!;)

olibrofiz

Dunroamin wrote: »

Tell her there's a queue!;)

:D I think I'd like to live with the OP :D

eschaton

CATS wrote: »

Hi All,

I guess this is more a question for the parents of teenagers. I have an only child who is 14 now. He is currently becoming a money pit and I am feeling really guilty about saying no to his financial demands

So I give him £40 monthly allowance
I pay £100 per month for his school meals
£20 per month for his haircuts
he has free bus travel to school
I pay for all his trips out with friends, including, cinema,etc
I give him £150 every 3 months clothing allowance
I pay £26 per month for his phone contract
I pay 2 tutors per week totalling £200 per month. Of course this money doesnt go to him but..

Anyway he seems to run out of his monthly allowance 2 weeks into the month, and then his asking for money starts. Mummy can I borrow £5, mummy can I have £1, ummy am going out can I have £10.

Last weekend £10, today £1, yesterday he had to take packed lunch to school as he was doing some activity, anyway he took a sandwich, crisps and drink. He then sends a text saying can you please put £5 into my account as I am still hungry, this means he will go to nasty chicken shop after school as school canteen closed already. I said no I have no money go home and eat there!! However I felt so guilty about it, all I kept thinking was my poor son startving, or course that is not the case but I feel so guilty. I can affort it so money is not an issue, its more that I want to teach him to be good with money but my guilt of saying no ensures I fail miserably at it. I know its my own problem and if I dont teach him it will affect him when he gets older, I just dont know how to get over my guilt. Any strategies from you parents out there will be great. actually putting it in writing does also help I just think poor him, he has no other source of income

I won't read the 130 replies before answering.

I will just say that you are treating him like a king and he is treating you like a cash cow and a mug.

pops5588

Oooooosh. Blimey this kid has got his life sorted for him...

I don't think there is anything wrong with a bit of help if you can afford it, but personally I think what good is it all if he never has to contribute anything himself? You could be robbing him of a really wonderful sense of achievement, surely you want your Son to experience that as much as you want him to have the luxuries in life? I love to catch my OH looking at our little set of 4 walls and seeing the pride on his face!!!! I really hope you don't take that from him!

Edit: Oh and just for the record if I were the girlfriend of your son (in the future obviously) and you turned up with a £100k cheque for a house, I would be majorly miffed and wouldn't want to get a house with him. It would feel like my mother-in-law's property! Could be highly inappropriate if he were in a solid relationship.