How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

greeneggs_2

I'm new to posting - although I've been reading for ages!

Personally I would consider taking a different approach to the one you are doing at the moment.

I'd work out how much in total you are prepared to give him over a month and then put it all in his bank at the beginning of the month and explain that that is all he's getting. Then he can decide to reduce some costs in favour of others and learn to manage his money. I think giving him different amounts for different things isn't encouraging him to save or do without in favour of other things he wants. It will hopefully be easier to say no - and harder for him to ask - if you both can see the total amount he's had. Then I wouldn't buy him anything else apart from underwear, school uniform and school expenses.

You could include some kind of incentive (interest) for still having some money left at the end of the week.

Money_maker

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

The wonderful thing about saying "no" is that the more you say it, the easier it gets. I approve of getting plenty of practice in.

Agreed. Usually the child understands when still a toddler rather than teenager.

CATS

Hi All,

I though I would come back and update. I have been getting a lot of practice saying no I find that I feel guilty when saying no to financial stuff, not other things but lately I was saying yes to a lot of things, so Thursday I stayed home as had day off, early he started complaining of a stomach ache and then the questions, can I please stay home? NO, please? NO so off to school he went and came back saying he had a great time. Can I keep the change from some money I gave him to pay some stuff at school, NO I need my change back, please?? NO. It felt ok, I didnt feel so guilty. Anyway, last night we sat down and I explained that from the start of October when he gets his allowance that will be it, if he spends it tough. I explained that when my salary finished I cant just go and ask for more. I also looked at some of the transactions on his statement and some are for those cash machines where they charge you £2 for withdrawing your own money!!! I explained that by doing that he had just thrown away £4 of his £40 allowance. He seemed to understand what I was saying and I explained that I need him to become responsible with money as I am not always going to support him and he needs to learn. He took it quite well and seems to be ok. I have also offered to give it to him in £10 installments over the month if he prefers. It was actually a good chat and he does seem to understand, however we will see throughout October.

Bennifred

Well done CATS! The test will come if he does run short in October (it will be amazing if he gets it right first time) - you must stick to your guns or the talk will have been for nothing. Good luck!

CH27

Well done CATS.
Now stand firm & he will learn you mean what you say.

duchy

CATS wrote: »

H
Victory, he has his own bank account into which I pay his £40 every 1st of the month. The thing is this is only supposed to cover things like sweets, magazines, etc so should last the whole month right???



With regards to paying his allowance weekly, we tried, it worked out more expensive than the £40!!


I guess what I need to learn is to be firm and say No and then not start hyperventilating weirdly enough I am a manager and have no problem saying no!! but when it comes to my son I melt like butter in the sun. Parents help, how do you stand firm?? the other thing is that he is so lovely, has always been such a good boy that I can't say no, if he was spoilt and nasty I think I would find it so much easier to say NO!! anyone know what I mean??? Man it sounds like am the one with the problem

Mmm does a bit

So if you gave him £10 ish a week allowance instead of £40 a month HOW was it costing you more ? You were "topping him up" instead of staying "Sorry wait til payday" ? Or something else ?

He's playing you ...He's knows EXACTLY what buttons to press ....big sad eyes and all . Frankly he will end up spoilt and nasty if you continue to allow him to manipulate you. Time to grit your teeth and stand firm (isn't that *exactly* what you'd be saying to your best friend if she came to you for advice with this issue ?)

EDIT Missed the last page. Well done !!!!

Yorkie1

What good progress, well done.

One little comment - had you realised that he gets, effectively, 13 months' worth of £40 if you pay him £10 a week?!

ska_lover

I would go down the £10 a week route, it will HELP him to budget - perhaps do it like that until xmas, and then, if he hasn't been pestering you for money in between weekly payments THEN swap back to the £40 a month. You have got to make him PROVE to you that he can manage this money. Don't feel bad about it, as you will actually be doing him a favour learning him how to money manage, it's good parenting.

If you do continue to give him the £40 a month, and he runs out on the first month, do NOT back down and give him money, or you will definitely be making a rod for your own back. If he does ask, it will be for some non essential thing, as even if he has no money, you are still feeding him and putting a roof over his head, just means he will have to go without a night out, or a pack of sweets. It will not harm him, and he will learn to respect what you are saying. If you back down, he will loose respect for you, and know that you do not mean what you say

Treevo

duchy wrote: »

Mmm does a bit

So if you gave him £10 ish a week allowance instead of £40 a month HOW was it costing you more ? You were "topping him up" instead of staying "Sorry wait til payday" ? Or something else ?

He's playing you ...He's knows EXACTLY what buttons to press ....big sad eyes and all . Frankly he will end up spoilt and nasty if you continue to allow him to manipulate you. Time to grit your teeth and stand firm (isn't that *exactly* what you'd be saying to your best friend if she came to you for advice with this issue ?)

EDIT Missed the last page. Well done !!!!

There are 52 weeks in a year, which at £10 a week equals £520.

There are 12 months in a year, which at £40 a month equals £480.

Kynthia

Didn't OP say she'd consider giving the £10 in instalments over the month rather than £10 per week?