How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

Loz01

Haven't read all replies but why on earth are you giving him so much money and what is he spending it on???? As for he can't get money himself, how about a nice paper round?

meer53

pops5588 wrote: »

Oooooosh. Blimey this kid has got his life sorted for him...

I don't think there is anything wrong with a bit of help if you can afford it, but personally I think what good is it all if he never has to contribute anything himself? You could be robbing him of a really wonderful sense of achievement, surely you want your Son to experience that as much as you want him to have the luxuries in life? I love to catch my OH looking at our little set of 4 walls and seeing the pride on his face!!!! I really hope you don't take that from him!

Edit: Oh and just for the record if I were the girlfriend of your son (in the future obviously) and you turned up with a £100k cheque for a house, I would be majorly miffed and wouldn't want to get a house with him. It would feel like my mother-in-law's property! Could be highly inappropriate if he were in a solid relationship.

Thats a really good point. How many times have we seen posts where the bank of mum and dad have contributed and the relationship breaks down ? Then the !!!! hits the fan when the property is sold and the ex is looking for a share of the profits ?

eschaton

eschaton wrote: »

I won't read the 130 replies before answering.

I will just say that you are treating him like a king and he is treating you like a cash cow and a mug.

Having had a quick read of the replies, I take back what I said.

You are just ruining his life, he knows the value of nothing. If anything ever happened that meant that the £000's being thrown at him dried up then he couldn't cope.

This jumped out at me......

CATS wrote: »

I have actually planned his whole future

Worrying, very worrying.

Can't you let go? Let him lead his own life? Let him learn the value of money?

Are you going to pick his wife for him?

I remember my cousin was spoiled as an only child. He lost his Dad young when he died whilst serving with the paratroopers. His mum bought him everything, including a video recorder for his birthday when hardly anyone could afford one. It cost over £500 and that was about 30 years ago.

Once the showering of gifts started to dry up, his life worked out well, the drugs got him, surprised he is still alive.

sukysue

You sound like a lovely mum and he a lovely lad, if I were you I would go by your gut instinct, if you feel guilty then talk it over with him and see what his perspective is on it all, he might just surprise you.

CATS

thank you guys, some of your replies have made me laugh. Point taken will be firmer, actually I think after today it should be easier.

Balletshoes, did you get my pm, not sure if I did correctly

rumncoke

Not read all the replies but please OP learn to say no and mean it without feeling guilty or in 10/15 years time your son will be on the DFW board.

We would also be financially able to be that generous but felt that teaching our teenagers how to budget was more important than giving them everything they wanted.

DD is nearly 17 and she gets £100 a month allowance plus I pay £10 capped phone contract. She also gets the odd £20 from grandparents. Out of this she buys all clothes, lunches at college and spends for going out. This may not seem a lot to OP but she manages fine. Looking for P/T work ready for driving lessons. 1st block of lessons are her birthday present.

Did exactly the same with DS and now at nearly 23 following uni he is earning 18K, living in a rental supporting a wife and 2 year old. (Without any state benefits due to wife & son being American) He is only able to do this because of the lessons we taught him as a teenager.

I hope you manage to stop the over generosity now before its too late and he moves into the world of work still expecting Mum to subsidise his adult life.

balletshoes

CATS wrote: »

thank you guys, some of your replies have made me laugh. Point taken will be firmer, actually I think after today it should be easier.

Balletshoes, did you get my pm, not sure if I did correctly

yes i did ta .

nickj_2

at 14 both my daughters were working at our local hotel , doing a couple of evenings during the week , saturdays if they had a wedding and then on sunday for dinner time, i guess the were earning £40-60 p/w ,
they both stood on their own 2 feet , if they want clothes , they buy them with their own cash , same with cinema, meals out with their mates etc .
your son should be more than capable of earning his keep , for the stuff he wants , if he hasn;t got the cash , tough,
no way would i pay £26 p/m for myself for a phone , never mind my kids .
however i do put away money/savings for them

Hermia

ringo_24601 wrote: »

I don't think giving your kids large amounts of stuff/money is intrinsically bad - but you have to set expectations appropriately.

So true. My cousin was very spoilt as a child/teen (doting older parents & only child). My aunt and uncle could not afford to give him an allowance into adulthood as they were retiring. He did manage to get a job after graduating, but graduate jobs don't pay loads and he cannot maintain the lifestyle he is used to. He is a tad bitter! I don't think there is anything wrong with parents giving their children a dream childhood, but you have to tell the child that they will probably have a drop in lifestyle when they leave home unless they are very fortunate.

monaebrook

CATS wrote: »

To be fair I think we kind of have lost what I was hoping for. At no point have I said my son is demanding, throwing tantrums, being selfish, self absorbed etc. I guess it's more my fault than anyone else. The money I currently give him is not an issue. It's more my inability to say No. He doesn't demand, he asks, I say no he gives me puppy eyes and says ok. I feel like c rap cause I know I can afford to give it. Obviously everyone has pointed out I am doing him no favours, so I will try to stand firm on my no and not give in. I don't mind paying for his luxuries I just need to teach him to appreciate it. I hope that is a bit clearer. Thank you all

Really interesting thread. We have twin DD's aged 13 for whom we pay a mobile phone contract of £7.50 per month, put a £30 per month allowance into their bank accounts (they both have various daily jobs which they do to 'earn' this amount and it is reduced if they don't do them!) and pay around about £18 each per week for school lunches. For clothing we have a set amount a month set aside - think its £80 just now - to cover when they NEED new clothes/boots/shoes etc.
Also, like OP, we have various savings accounts set up in their names to help out when they start out in life. I believe it is going to be super hard for anyone to get onto the property ladder/buy a car etc in the future the way things are at present and we are in a position where we could help so made the decision that we would. So I view myself and DH as very similar to OP.

However, what I am able to do is say NO. They do go out regularly with their friends and if they need extra money (I'm always scared they get stuck somewhere without the means to get home) I will give them extra BUT we deduct it from the next months direct debit into their accounts. Neither me nor my DH spend any money particularly - apart from on holidays. We regularly take 2 a year and are very lucky to be in a position to be able to do it. However, we pay for the holidays etc but not DD's spending monies. We always tell them that we will pay for food etc but if they want to be able to buy things whilst away they need to save up. They are currently saving for London in October and Florida in February.

With regards to their later lives, atm both are planning to go to University and we have sat down with them and explained that we will help with costs for accom and food etc BUT we will not provide beer money. If they want that they will have to get a job. We have also explained that we will sit them down and teach them how to budget etc so they will understand how to run a home.

I think the key thing here is that the OP wants her son to be responsible and was just needing some reassurance that it is 'OK' for her to say no and be guilt free. Talking things through with your son is the answer, and if he is half the boy you say he is, I'm sure he will understand. Hope this helps. X