How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

justme111

On a topic of having their car , lessons , house , wedding , uni paid for - I could not resist it either. I would have thought twice about how I do it though as whatever han,ded and not earned is not valued .

I believe until one actually wastes something and then regrets it one will not learn

paulineb_2

elsien wrote: »

You do have to ask what he's actually spending his money on, as trips out, phone, haircuts, clothes, food and buses are already sorted?
Basically nothing essential, so if his money runs out, tough. He's not going to die from lack of sweets and magazines.

Absolutely agree

Im a long way from being 14, but I think if you pay money into his account, assume hes going to blow it, thats what some people do, it burns a hole in their pocket

Does the haircut need to be that expensive

£5 a day for lunch or thereabouts, I agree, packed lunches are the way to go

Doesnt matter if you can afford it, you are setting yourself up for having a son who says I want and you give

Which could cause problems in the future for example if your financial situation changed and you couldnt afford it anymore

justme111

Saving for a house is ok , I guess even good.
The sentence about savi.g for a house came straight after the whole life planned one and these 2 together sound clinical.

CATS

To be fair I think we kind of have lost what I was hoping for. At no point have I said my son is demanding, throwing tantrums, being selfish, self absorbed etc. I guess it's more my fault than anyone else. The money I currently give him is not an issue. It's more my inability to say No. He doesn't demand, he asks, I say no he gives me puppy eyes and says ok. I feel like c rap cause I know I can afford to give it. Obviously everyone has pointed out I am doing him no favours, so I will try to stand firm on my no and not give in. I don't mind paying for his luxuries I just need to teach him to appreciate it. I hope that is a bit clearer. Thank you all

paulineb_2

I was also brought up in a single parent household where money was not plentiful and I am sure my mum sacrificed a lot to give us and my brother, when he was 14 went through a phase of, Im not wearing that unless it was a label, he grew out of it. Of his own accord, its just that I think boys can go through a stage of wanting to keep up with their mates, am sure girls as well, but I never bothered much one way or another

Theres ten years between us and even with his labels and wanting certain brands, no way was he being dished out money on pocket money, lunches, haircuts, clothing allowances

You do have the money, but if you didnt you would manage and no one would be any worse off

You can say no, you just havent done enough of that and thats why you are finding it tough.

paulineb_2

CATS wrote: »

To be fair I think we kind of have lost what I was hoping for. At no point have I said my son is demanding, throwing tantrums, being selfish, self absorbed etc. I guess it's more my fault than anyone else. The money I currently give him is not an issue. It's more my inability to say No. He doesn't demand, he asks, I say no he gives me puppy eyes and says ok. I feel like c rap cause I know I can afford to give it. Obviously everyone has pointed out I am doing him no favours, so I will try to stand firm on my no and not give in. I don't mind paying for his luxuries I just need to teach him to appreciate it. I hope that is a bit clearer. Thank you all

Well maybe you shouldnt be giving into the puppy eyes

You arent doing him any favours. Hes not learning anything about the value of money and he wont appreciate money if all he needs to do is blow what he has (which is already generous) and ask you for more and you give it

You cant teach him to appreciate anything, people either do or they dont, but I bet he would appreciate things more if he had to go without once in a while.

Mojisola

CATS wrote: »

At no point have I said my son is demanding, throwing tantrums, being selfish, self absorbed etc.

I guess it's more my fault than anyone else. The money I currently give him is not an issue. It's more my inability to say No.

He doesn't demand, he asks, I say no he gives me puppy eyes and says ok. I feel like c rap cause I know I can afford to give it. Obviously everyone has pointed out I am doing him no favours, so I will try to stand firm on my no and not give in.

I don't mind paying for his luxuries I just need to teach him to appreciate it.

He doesn't need to have tantrums!

How will he behave when the puppy eyes don't work any more?

paulineb_2

I also absolutely agree with the person who said, you can shop around to get branded names cheaply. Sports direct is a great shop, it sells branded names cheaply

As for parents putting aside money for their childrens futures, some parents can afford it and some cant. I grew up in the times when there werent any extra benefits as well such as WTC and CTC (and Im not assuming that every single parent gets these, but some do)

My mum didnt put aside money for us every month, but she helped us, as I said, as a single parent she didnt have tons of spare cash but we never went without

However, we appreciated everything she did for us. I was lucky I suppose in the respect that I could go home for my lunch and so could my brother

I actually do think you are over compensating for something if you cannot see your child be told no sometimes. Hes getting a lot of cash now and money spent on him, hes going to get a lot of money when hes 21

As someone else posted, what incentive is he going to have to learn the value of cash when hes getting so much handed to him?

Theres nothing wrong with wanting to provide a secure future for your child, but having less could teach him much more about budgeting.

And thats a skill everyone needs to learn in the long run.

red_devil

balletshoes wrote: »

to be fair, the OP has not once mentioned that her son "demanded" a £26 a month phone contract, she may be quite happy to pay that, and maybe it was her idea?

How are parents supposed to afford that as well as their own phones and other bills. What if you have more thsn one child too. Its out of hand today what the parents are expected to provide

balletshoes

red_devil wrote: »

How are parents supposed to afford that as well as their own phones and other bills. What if you have more thsn one child too. Its out of hand today what the parents are expected to provide

The OP has already said (in her first and then subsequent posts) that she can afford it, as well as everything else she pays for her son each month.