How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

reason2

also.. saying no doesnt mean you will ALWAYS say no.. chosing when to say yes is important.. it lets them know what is ok and what isnt ok.. £50 for an mp3 isnt ok £50 for food shopping is ok for example.. (obviously not applicable at 14 though)

RAS

CATS wrote: »

I am not complaining on what he currently gets, more trying to find a way of coping with the guilt of saying NO when he has run out of allowance money. Mum, can I have £5? eerr no cause you already had your allowance, him - hurt puppy look face, Me: feel like crap all day cause I could have just given it to him and feel mean for having said no.

Ok so now imagine him in a long term relationship with kids to support.

He wants designer trainers or the latest bit of expensive kit for his latest hobbie.

There is very little food left in the house because it is just before payday.

Imagine that hurt puppy dog look on the face of a man in his 30s or 40s who cannot budget because you could not say NO?

Not a nice thought is it

BugglyB

I think there's maybe a little over-reaction here...

I think it is a little leap to believe that OPs grandchildren will starve because of her, or that he will end up as a criminal.

To say the child is 'ruined' does not take into account the other values they may have instilled in him - respect, care for others, etc.

neon_dannii

CATS wrote: »

Hi Spendless, I think a bit of both really, I am not complaining on what he currently gets, more trying to find a way of coping with the guilt of saying NO when he has run out of allowance money. Mum, can I have £5? eerr no cause you already had your allowance, him - hurt puppy look face, Me: feel like c rap all day cause I could have just given it to him and feel mean for having said no. I think Balletshoes gave me a good visual aid, I will picture him sticking his hands in the electric sockets as a toddler and me saying No!!!

But having read through this has given me a lot of food for thought and hopefully make me firmer. I will practice, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO

I think you also have to tell him the reasons why you're saying no. He needs to learn to budget and realise that money does not come out of thin air.

quidsy

Imagine that hurt puppy dog look on the face of a man in his 30s or 40s who cannot budget because you could not say NO?

Not a nice thought is it

Urgh, I have a friend married to someone like that, although they currently can afford his excessive spending, when I look at him I see a spoiled boy, he is like a man child with no concept of self control. If she queries someting he wants to or has already bought he looks like a petulant child, his actual lip comes out. It actually makes me quite ill (actual sick feeling) when I see him do it. "shudder"

NervousHomeowner

CATS wrote: »

Hi Spendless, I think a bit of both really, I am not complaining on what he currently gets, more trying to find a way of coping with the guilt of saying NO when he has run out of allowance money. Mum, can I have £5? eerr no cause you already had your allowance, him - hurt puppy look face, Me: feel like c rap all day cause I could have just given it to him and feel mean for having said no. I think Balletshoes gave me a good visual aid, I will picture him sticking his hands in the electric sockets as a toddler and me saying No!!!

But having read through this has given me a lot of food for thought and hopefully make me firmer. I will practice, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO

I can totally understand why you find it hard, and I expect that many parents do. However, maybe it would help you if you understood that what you are currently doing is not being 'kind' but is instead teaching him bad habits that will be very hard to break when he becomes an adult. You're doing him a disservice by treating him this way - even if he doesn't see it that way now!

You say he hasn't learned how to budget - it's probably because he realises he doesn't have to. He won't learn to budget if every time he wants something, he can either buy it immediately or pester you until you get it for him. How can you expect him to learn the value of money if you give it in such free supply that he doesn't see it as a valuable item?

Remember that you're not being unfair by saying no, you're just teaching him something. The more you say no, the easier it will get and the quicker he will learn to budget The only reason it will become unfair is if you flipflop and don't give him a consistent set of rules. So when you say no, stick to it - no 'okay well fine i'll pay for it this time but next time you're on your own!', just a consistent 'no, you have your own money for this'. I bet you he'll thank you for it later (Maybe a lot later, when he's an adult.. )

mummy86_2

Hi, First can I say you sound like a great caring mum, but I think you are already giving him more than enough money to last a month. He needs to learn to budget his £40 better, a lesson best learnt now rather than when he's older. Please don't feel guilty he wasn't starving as he had lunch LOL he was pulling at your heart strings like all kids do. If you don't say NO now it will only get worse, think he will driving in a few years, thats gonna be expensive (for you!). Does he help you out for his allowance? Maybe if he desperately needs more pocket money he can earn it? Wash your car, hoovering, cooking, cleaning, etc etc. But please don't feel guilty you are already giving him way more than most parents give their kids. x

CATS

thanks all for your comments, I cant thank all individually but your views and opinion really have given me a new perspective on things. He does help out around the house, hoovers, cleans up bunnys room, feed cats, he could maybe do more but he is also pretty busy during the week after school.

justme111

I disagree with the outrage over £100 trainers , if they can afford it why not. Or you suggest she buys £80 shoes for herself for example and £14 ones for a son? Or the whole family should go to primark ? That's certainly their choice and would see it as weird if they intentionally lived on a budget range if comfortably being able to afford other alternatives .
The issue is not the amount spent, its that mother is unhappy about feelung guilty when she says no to her sons asking and at the same time feeling guilty for feeling guilty
That quote about his house deposit being saved already and all life mapped did feel like something unhealthy to me ...
By the way op , do not forget - the more you give your son what you have not had the less likely he will be like you. I am sure you Luke yourself , would not you want your son to have some of your qualities ?

double_mummy

19lottie82 wrote: »

:rotfl:

sorry shouldn't laugh but these were popular when I was 15 (1997) and haven't seen them in years.

But yeah, no way do trainers cost £100 for a 14 year old unless you are buying top of the range, customised air maxes!

they are part of the retro range at the moment that are very very popular