How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

Urmston_Linda

Can I recommend the Series 'Boundaries' by John Townsend? There is one called 'Boundaries with Teens'. All are available on Amazon - but beware the mini-sized books, you want the full-sized ones. Townsend writes from a Christian perspective but makes no attempt to proselytyze; his principles is equally relevant to those of any or no faith. These books have proved invaluable to many people including myself.

John_Pierpoint

I think this thread gives us an insight into the nation's problems with NEETs.
We have migrants arriving at a rate of about 200,000 a year, most of whom are displacing near unemployable minimum wage British people.

How is it that these people have no capital, no initiative, no training, no qualifications, no drive, no commitment, no income and no future?

It looks like their over indulgent parents have never said NO to them.

I had this problem with my two aged 14 and 16 back in 1995.
Tired of the continual winging about "must have" expenses in their lives, I put each on a monthly allowance of £50 that had to pay for everything except school uniform.
If they needed anything extra it was up to them to keep accounts to prove where their allowance was going.
I've still got that account book - the daughter of 14 going on 24 - had the most trouble maintaining her lifestyle and soon had a Sunday job: As getting an honest reliable manager seemed to be impossible, before long she was running the front of house in the local Trust House Forte "Little Chef", together with the cook in the kitchen.
My son managed to keep his head above water with a holiday job in Burgerking.
They also earned extra money by repainting their great great aunt's house and reality was driven home one weekend when they were reduced to collecting aluminium drink cans from the road side.

By the time they went off to university, after a self financed round the word gap year, they had got over that teenage nonsense that blights the university careers of so many "freshers" with over indulgent parents.

Moneydeals

Wow, I was truly impressed with how much you provide your son! I am unable to provide pocket money or any additional money. I do save £30 per month into his isa. His father provides me with £20 per month in 'financial support' I was able to send him on school trip to France two years ago but cannot afford to send him on the skiing trip this year. I have no choice but to say no. As a result, my son appreciates the true value of what he has and he is achieving well at school so he can become an engineer in the future. Don't feel guilty.

firesidemaid

Hi CATS.

Not sure if you are still reading this, but i am taking it that you and your husband also have at least the same amount again (that is saved up for your son) for yourselves and that you have good pensions in place also.

None of us knows when our financial status may change - illness, redundancy etc etc - you might one day have to draw on the money that you have saved for him. so your son also needs to learn to prepare for the future and be encouraged to save even.

If he doesn't have the same earnings potential as he grows up then he may be disappointed when his lifestyle is not as good as he is accustomed to.

Also, working from a young age means that we have to learn to take responsibility for ourselves and others, take direction and constructive criticism, accept boundaries and behave in a way that is acceptable to our peers.

No-one would begrudge you what you earn, but please remember that some people/families have less available cash to live off than your son alone.

does your son do any charity/volunteering work or is he in the scouts at all?

redpete

CATS wrote: »

I though I would come back and update. I have been getting a lot of practice saying no I find that I feel guilty when saying no to financial stuff, not other things

I'm glad I read the end of the thread as well as the beginning.

When I read the first post I thought 'what a spoilt child'. The money you were giving him is more than generous. £600 for clothes a year should be plenty. A £26 a month contract is more than it needs to be, it's twice as much as the smart-phone contract I've got just now. Paying for all his outings to the cinema on top of an allowance is ridiculous - what's to stop him going out several times a week if he thinks he will get the money for it. Considering giving him extra money for fried chicken on hte way home from school because you are worried he is hungry is also ridiculous (note that he will never be starving, just hungry).

He will have no idea of the value of money if he sees it as a endless free supply.

lostgirlontour

I have read this pretty much all the way through but apologies if I do end up repeating what has already been said.
Having recently survived 2 teenagers I appreciate many of the sentiments expressed. I know lots of people have said your boy gets lots of money for clothes, haircuts etc but I don't think this is really about the amounts. People have very different views of what is an appropriate amount of money. I don't think £20 a month for haircuts is that unreasonable - when my son was 14 he was obsessed with his hair and we did highlighting and chemical straightening plus expensive haircuts. It boosted his confidence and was, I thought, worth every penny but if I hadn't had the money he wouldn't have had it. Now an £8 short back and sides works just fine.

I think it is more about being clear what money is for and not topping it up when it runs out. Both my children had quite generous allowances at 14 - probably £70ish. That covered all social activities like cinema, travel to meet friends, books, magazines, music, odd items of clothing, ice creams, sweets and all that stuff. When it was gone it was gone.

The other thing I would suggest being clear about (and sticking to) is the circumstances in which an allowance can be withheld or withdrawn. If it is linked to certain chores and these are not done there should be retribution. However, it is usually possible to have enough arguments with a teenager without setting up the possibility of too many more!

With the benefit of hindsight I would have given them a weekly amount instead even if rounding it up had been a bit more expensive. I think suddenly managing money for a month is hard and it would have been better to build up to that.

Depending on school commitments a job is great - if there is one. My recollection is there wasn't much about for 14 year olds. We were a free newspaper family as that was the only thing which worked time wise. My 2 traveled a long way to school so set off too early for morning paper rounds. I agree with everyone who advocates teenagers getting a job. Think about how that would affect any allowance you give them though - are they to be penalised for working (perhaps that is a good preparation for adulthood and taxation

Good luck and don't let the puppy eyes get to you.

pozza_73

I'm 40 and I'm only just learning how to manage money. I don't think that you are giving your son too much money as things are a lot more expensive in London and I would imagine a cinema trip does cost £20. Good luck with it all and I hope that you learn how to say "no" (plenty of other adults also have that problem)

claire16c

pozza_73 wrote: »

I'm 40 and I'm only just learning how to manage money. I don't think that you are giving your son too much money as things are a lot more expensive in London and I would imagine a cinema trip does cost £20. Good luck with it all and I hope that you learn how to say "no" (plenty of other adults also have that problem)

A cinema ticket does not cost £20 in London & things are not that much more expensive, clothes etc are the same price. If you buy a load of over priced sweets drinks & popcorn then the same as at any cinema it could cost £20. You can waste money anywhere.

pozza_73

I said a cinema trip not a cinema ticket. Transport, pop, snacks and the actual ticket - it all adds up!