How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

CATS

oh no, he will only get it for something like a house deposit. I am not handing over that money unless it is for something productive. It will be close to £100k by the time he reaches 21 so no way Jose. Oh look I can say NO

No he doesn't know I have it

FBaby

CATS - your way of treating your son is actively harming him (his future of feeling entitled/disappointment is looming!). Do you want to harm his future? No? That's why you must say no.

I totally agree with this. I was brought up to look after myself. I did it, with some resentment at times, but Gosh am I grateful for it because the feeling of accomplishment for doing things for myself and the reassurance I get from knowing I can do it makes me a happy person. My much younger sister on the other hand got every handed to her on a plate (because mum felt guilty about how I was brought up). The result is that my sister has such high expectations from others that she is always disappointed and feeling let down. She is always moaning about what is not fair because she is always focused about what others should be giving her (materially and emotionally) rather than thinking about what she can do for herself, hence giving her a sense of control.

I wouldn't trade place with her at any costs. What is sad in your case is that it sounds like your son is already taking it all for granted and feeling dissatisfied when he doesn't get it.

So when he is 20, he will have his home and flashy car, will get his mates mates envious and girls falling for him...and then what... One day they will have the same thing but along with it the satisfaction that they deserve it, so will be able to enjoy it so much more than your son.

It sounds like you are spoiling him, he is already starting to act spoilt and if you continue this way, he will grow selfish, self-centered and demanding. You need to learn to say no. He will respect you much more for it than for being so easy to manipulate to get his ways.

marisco_2

CATS wrote: »

Is having his deposit for a house saved already really that strange?
I thought most parents will start putting money aside for their children when they are little, I have been saving for this since he was born, so 14 years now. I only save a few hundred ££ a month but it adds up so he now has a substantial amount that will continue to grow until he is 18, 21, whenever he wants to buy a house. It will also pay for his car and drivig lessons and insurance. I didnt realise that it was that weird. I wish my parents would have done that if they could. I know not everyone can do it but if you can why not?? would make a lovely wedding present?

I have set up savings accounts for my children that I pay x amount into each month, and like yourself I have done this from when they were born. I could afford to do as you have and put enough by for them to buy a car, put a deposit on their first home etc. However I have purposefully chosen not to do this.

The money they will receive will cover driving lessons and they can put the rest toward the cost of their first cars. I remember the brilliant sense of achievement and pride I felt in myself when I bought my first car, saved a deposit for a home and was approved for a mortgage. I want my children to be motivated to work hard and to achieve those things for themselves. To be totally honest I would feel that I was robbing them of something special in life, if I just handed all that to them on a plate.

Dunroamin

CATS wrote: »

Is having his deposit for a house saved already really that strange?
I thought most parents will start putting money aside for their children when they are little, I have been saving for this since he was born, so 14 years now. I only save a few hundred ££ a month but it adds up so he now has a substantial amount that will continue to grow until he is 18, 21, whenever he wants to buy a house. It will also pay for his car and drivig lessons and insurance. I didnt realise that it was that weird. I wish my parents would have done that if they could. I know not everyone can do it but if you can why not?? would make a lovely wedding present?

I think that many parents, if they can afford it, try to put a bit away for their children, to help with their university costs, to buy a car etc. However, I doubt that there are many people who could afford to save " only" a few hundred pounds every month for the whole of their child's life!

I really don't think that much help is a good idea as it leaves him little to work for himself and it he might spend it on absolutely anything (good or bad) when you come to give it to him.

Dunroamin

CATS wrote: »

You all make so much sense and I think the way I need to see it, is as me protecting him. I need to change the way I let him deal with this and learn. I have actually planned his whole future including having a deposit for his first house ready in a savings account now!!

I think that this is the most worrying thing that you've written - worrying for you but even more worrying for him.

Ladyshopper

I was brought up in a single parent household before tax credits were invented, so money was extremely tight. I did feel resentful at times, but understood that my Mum just couldn't give me what a lot of my friends have.

I guess this could have pushed me in either direction when I was old enough to have my own money, but luckily it taught me to be very careful with my own money.

Sadly I am a single parent myself, but I work and earn a decent wage. My kids get £5 a week pocket money each, but it is earnt - they each have a list of chores and if they're not done, 20p per job gets knocked off! My kids are 14 and 15 by the way!

The both have a mobile phone contract - sim only, and it was bought as a birthday present for each of them, done through a cashback site, so actually only costs about £6.50 a month each.

They have to save their own money for cinema trips etc with their mates. My son at 13 got a paper round, and still does it now at nearly 16, although he is desperate for a part-time job. He is very good with money, budgets for stuff and is careful like me. Daughter spends it quick, but then accepts that once its gone, thats it.

I did give them £100 each for the summer holidays - this is the first (and probably only) time I have done this. I knew they would want to do some stuff with mates and that their pocket money wouldn't cover it. They were both extremely shocked and grateful. Out of this however, I also gave them the responsibility for buying a pair of school shoes, a school bag if they wanted one, and any stationary they needed.

I can't afford school dinners every day - they get it once a week, and this has always been since they started secondary school. At the start of each half term I give them the amount to cover the number of weeks, and tell them they can do what they want with it. Son uses it once a week as intended, and in fact once saved all the money for himself (which I told him he could do). Daughter has lunch every day for first week of term or until it runs out then returns to pack ups.

You are not really giving your son any incentive to get a job, or to understand the value of money. People I'm sure will have their own opinions on what I do, that I may be tight etc. However, I think it teaches them far more about the value of money, and my son has actually commented a few times that he is glad I am the way i am with money as his mates often get it handed out all the time and haven't got a clue. Sometimes you have to be cruel (not that I think it is cruel!) to be kind!

bargainbetty

Dunroamin wrote: »

I don't know many 14 year olds earning £5 per hour! NMW for 16/17 year olds is only £3.68.

It is also worth noting that since the days of the cash-in-hand jobs that we all had as teenagers, HMRC has started to view such things more negatively, and on top of that most insurers won't cover a company's liabilities for anyone under the age of 16 that isn't on a formal work experience programme (there is a specific clause covering this). I wouldn't have an under 16 on the premises without liabilities insurance.

Until a person receives their National Insurance card, lots of companies will not employ them.

Car washing/dog walking/lawn moving etc for family, friends and neighbours are as much as many kids will get now, apart from paper rounds.

I wish you luck. For what it is worth, once you have decided what to do, sit your son down and tell him in advance. If he has been used to a relaxed state of affairs, it would be a bit contentious to just cut him off. On the 1st, sit him down and say 'Here is your money (included his planned trips). We have decided that you will have to learn how to budget more effectively, so this month there will be no top-ups. It has to cover your trips out, spending and any additional things you want. We will pay for X. Y. Z, the rest is yours to arrange.'

Then, when he asks for that second haircut or an extra cinema trip, you can smile and sigh 'Not until payday' at him.

Mojisola

bargainbetty wrote: »

For what it is worth, once you have decided what to do, sit your son down and tell him in advance. If he has been used to a relaxed state of affairs, it would be a bit contentious to just cut him off. On the 1st, sit him down and say 'Here is your money (included his planned trips). We have decided that you will have to learn how to budget more effectively, so this month there will be no top-ups. It has to cover your trips out, spending and any additional things you want. We will pay for X. Y. Z, the rest is yours to arrange.'

Then, when he asks for that second haircut or an extra cinema trip, you can smile and sigh 'Not until payday' at him.

I think this is important. He has to know in advance that the purse strings are being pulled shut.

red_devil

26 pounds for a phone allowance, he shouldnt havd one till he can pay for it himself. The demands of some children are out of hand, of course you are right not too keep shelling out.

balletshoes

red_devil wrote: »

26 pounds for a phone allowance, he shouldnt havd one till he can pay for it himself. The demands of some children are out of hand, of course you are right not too keep shelling out.

to be fair, the OP has not once mentioned that her son "demanded" a £26 a month phone contract, she may be quite happy to pay that, and maybe it was her idea?