How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

CATS wrote: »

Hi All,

I guess this is more a question for the parents of teenagers. I have an only child who is 14 now. He is currently becoming a money pit and I am feeling really guilty about saying no to his financial demands

So I give him £40 monthly allowance
I pay £100 per month for his school meals
£20 per month for his haircuts
he has free bus travel to school
I pay for all his trips out with friends, including, cinema,etc
I give him £150 every 3 months clothing allowance
I pay £26 per month for his phone contract
I pay 2 tutors per week totalling £200 per month. Of course this money doesnt go to him but..

Anyway he seems to run out of his monthly allowance 2 weeks into the month, and then his asking for money starts. Mummy can I borrow £5, mummy can I have £1, ummy am going out can I have £10.

Last weekend £10, today £1, yesterday he had to take packed lunch to school as he was doing some activity, anyway he took a sandwich, crisps and drink. He then sends a text saying can you please put £5 into my account as I am still hungry, this means he will go to nasty chicken shop after school as school canteen closed already. I said no I have no money go home and eat there!! However I felt so guilty about it, all I kept thinking was my poor son startving, or course that is not the case but I feel so guilty. I can affort it so money is not an issue, its more that I want to teach him to be good with money but my guilt of saying no ensures I fail miserably at it. I know its my own problem and if I dont teach him it will affect him when he gets older, I just dont know how to get over my guilt. Any strategies from you parents out there will be great. actually putting it in writing does also help I just think poor him, he has no other source of income

£25 a week on school lunch? A fiver a day? Plus extra food?

If he's not obese already, he's likely to be very soon. Cut that money out and spend it on packed lunches - you could give him a whole roast chicken every day and still have change from that. Up the protein levels in his food and that should help reduce any perceived hunger, as he might be feeling a sugar crash from eating lots of refined carbs.



I'm going to assume that the tutors are absolutely vital for some unknown reason.


Nobody needs 2 - 4 haircuts a month. Nobody.




He sounds very immature 'Mummy, mummy, I'm hungry'. He's a young man, not six and a half.



I agree with giving him an allowance weekly instead, however, it should include ALL the money he is to get - no extras here and there. Out of that money, he has to buy everything he wants - haircuts, sweeties, trips out, everything. There will be NO additional money - when it's gone, it's gone.



I did that with DD2. She wouldn't eat breakfast here, hated school dinners and often wanted cash just when I didn't have it. So the easiest way to solve that was 'There will be £x in your account every Monday' (I set up a standing order). 'This is, however, conditional upon you completing x chores the week beforehand. If you do not complete those chores, there will only be £y in there. That money is for you to spend exactly as you see fit. I will pay for school uniform, I will obviously feed you, etc - but everything you want a choice about is to come from your income'.


She was perfectly happy with this arrangement and is, in all honesty, far better with her money than her older sister, who didn't have this arrangement as a teenager.

RAS

Sorry but do not think the smilies are appropriate here.

You are not spoiling him, you are ruining him.

He assumes that he can have whatever he wants if he pesters you enough.

Time to grow up.

CATS wrote: »

Hi All,

Thanks for your replies. Yes I am more than generous with him I think and your replies are helping me to realise that.

Victory, he has his own bank account into which I pay his £40 every 1st of the month. The thing is this is only supposed to cover things like sweets, magazines, etc so should last the whole month right???

That is a LOT of money just for sweets and magazines. And if he cannot make it last the month, tough.

CATS wrote: »

j.e.j,When he has an outing he will come and say mum I am going cinema I need £20, so he knows exactly what the £40 is for and that he will get extra for a planned trip.

He needs WHAT! How much is a juveline cinema ticket where you live? Does he have to pay bus fares or do you or another parent transport them? Any treats come out of his £40 allowance.

EDIT: WOuld add that you need to agree to fund a limted number of trips per month (or raise his allowance so that he has enough to pay for the agreed trips). No more that what is agreed.

CATS wrote: »

With regards to paying his allowance weekly, we tried, it worked out more expensive than the £40!!.

because you cannot say no and he cant budget.

CATS wrote: »

With regards to his hair, at 14, there is no way he will let me near his "stylish hair" so it has to be barbers.

Budget for one cut per 6 weeks and that is all.

CATS wrote: »

Clothing allowance works out way cheaper than buying what he wants!!

It may or may not have occured to you that very very few people in this world get what they want?

And that those who do have to work for it?

CATS wrote: »

I guess what I need to learn is to be firm and say No and then not start hyperventilating weirdly enough I am a manager and have no problem saying no!! but when it comes to my son I melt like butter in the sun. Parents help, how do you stand firm?? the other thing is that he is so lovely, has always been such a good boy that I can't say no, if he was spoilt and nasty I think I would find it so much easier to say NO!! anyone know what I mean??? Man it sounds like am the one with the problem

He is spoilt. That he is good, lovely etc does not absolve you of the responsibility to raise someone who is able to make their own way in the world.

Are you still going to be subbing him when he is in his first job and renting? When he buys his first house? Has his 4th child?

EDIT: Once you have had a serious talk to him, make it absolutely plain that once he has finished GCSEs, he will be looking for a part-time job and his allowance adjusted (downwards).

victory

jo jo you don't have to answer me of course but out of curiosity how much does your DD get per monday into her bank account and how much do you take off her if she has not done her jobs?

aileth

Agree with above. As much as you might think you are giving him the world, you are really generous and helping him out, in fact you are damaging him for later life as regards being sensible with money.

My sister as the youngest was like this, she would throw the most terrible tantrums if she didn't get her way, claimed that to be popular she needed the 'in' things, so my parents bought her the latest iPods, gadgets etc (half of which she had stolen, kicked and screamed for a new one), she tried and failed a whole series of college courses because halfway through she decided they 'weren't her thing' and my parents had to end up paying whole fees.

They bought her a car, sat nav, she left tonnes of cds, sat nav and ipods on show and the car got broken into. She didn't know to hide these things because, well, if they got stolen, she didn't need to pay to replace them!

She has tried to move out lots of times, but each has failed in disaster. She is still a student, but my parents would pay the rents on these houses, so when she got bored with the house they'd have to pay up to the contract while she dossed at home still, and used her student loan for clothes and iPads.

She lives in an absolute dreamworld. Multiple times a week I get texts demanding I go to X place with her, e.g. zoo, and expects me to take an unpaid day off work to go with her to the place AND have money for tickets, and then she wants ME to contribute to her petrol even though she invited me.

It is a total and complete nightmare. She even has her own shelf in the fridge where my parents can buy her 'her' own food, which of course has to be top brands, organic etc. My parents have massive money troubles anyway, but they must spend hundreds a month on her.

I dread to think of her future.

19lottie82

CATS wrote: »

I pay £100 per month for his school meals

That's almost £5 per school day! My DSDs school meals cost £1.60 I think? All schools have a set price meal, at around this price I'd imagine.

Give him this and a snack from home for the mid morning.

CATS wrote: »

He then sends a text saying can you please put £5 into my account as I am still hungry, this means he will go to nasty chicken shop after school as school canteen closed already. I said no I have no money go home and eat there!! However I felt so guilty about it, all I kept thinking was my poor son starving, or course that is not the case but I feel so guilty.

He is not starving, there is food at home. If he is really hungry, he can go there to eat.

Really OP, the others are right, he has no idea of the value of money, and sorry to be blunt, but this is your fault.

However, it isn't too late to sort things out.

I know you don't want to say "I'm cutting your allowance", as it will make you seem like the bad guy, especially as you say he is a good lad in general.

Instead, round everything up in to 1 (realistic!) figure and tell him, this is what you are getting a month, and it must cover EVERYTHING. If he over spends, tough luck.
He'll soon get used to it, and come out a better adult at the end of it.

He won't starve, you can provide food at home and the stuff to make sandwiches for school.

Seriously OP, you are killing him with kindness here.

Bennifred

CATS - your way of treating your son is actively harming him (his future of feeling entitled/disappointment is looming!). Do you want to harm his future? No? :cool: That's why you must say no.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

victory wrote: »

jo jo you don't have to answer me of course but out of curiosity how much does your DD get per monday into her bank account and how much do you take off her if she has not done her jobs?

No problem. She lives with her Dad now, but at age 12, she got £15 minimum, as that gave her enough for a bacon roll or hot chocolate in the morning and she could pick up sandwiches, fruit, etc, from the supermarket (cheaper and in all honesty, healthier and fresher than the school canteen ones). If all her chores were completed (which they usually were), she'd get an additional £15.



If she wanted to get something in particular, she would make a packed lunch, including a sandwich for the morning, as that saved her money.


But she pretty much never came to me for non essential extras - and certainly not with a 'Mummy, mummy, mummy'. And, because she turned out to be quite good with this, it was easy to say 'how much have you got to go out with?' and be told 'Oh, I'm fine' or 'I've got £20' and I could then say 'Well, as you did x, y and z this week without being asked as well, here's a bonus' and hand her a little bit more. This also meant that she got the message that working a little harder could have benefits later on down the line.



I've made many, many mistakes with my kids - but giving her that autonomy seems to be one of my better decisions.

double_mummy

cats the best skills my mum taught me were budgeting and how to cook

with these two basic skills you can go out and make a life for yourself at 14 he should be cooking meals to contribute to the house and he should also have a job even if it was going round the neighborhood offering his services he could set up a local facebook group with his friends offering to mow peoples lawns or to do some cleaning or to wash cars you then give him X amount a month (personally i think about 50 quid is more than enough for including everything you listed above) and if he wants more he earns it himself -if he has run out of money for lunch he has to make himself a packed lunch

also set him up a locked savings account for until he is 18 and offer to match anything he puts in it (he puts in 50 quid you will put in 50 quid) that way you are giving him a good basis in saving and then he gets some benefit from saving

at this time of year he could offer present wrapping services in the evening or on weekends so people are in the house while he is doing it - he goes round to someones house and wraps their presents for him for money

does he have any old clothes or items that he no longer uses that he could sell

teach him how to make his own money and he will start to understand oh that trip to the cinema is 20 quid thats 4 hours work hmmm maybe i wont go

the only clothes i would pay for are uniform he has to buy everything else even the basics

i would still pay for tutors if he needs them as i think this is working towards him bettering himself

sassyblue

I think he's given too much tbh but that's between you and him, anyway whatever he's got he needs to budget with it.... are you making sure he does his fair share around the house too, so he knows things have to be earned??

Can you physically sit him down and work out a list of what he spends his money on? Go through his day and mark down for every drink and magazine he buys, his clothes, his cinema trips......

After adding it all up work out how that much is per month and then decide a fair amount to give him. Now he understands where it all goes it's upto him to make sure he doesn't spend it all and budgets accordingly.

Mother-in-law did this to hubby when he'd got his first job, he earned well but was overdrawn, He's never forgot that lesson and is very good with money now.

Sometimes saying no is the best learning experience you can give your child, but it's hard l know! x

VJsmum

Erm just a thought

Are you sure he is spending it and not having it nicked off him? Are you sure he isn't spending it on cigarettes or booze or?

It seems an awful lot of money for a young boy to be going through.

My DS is 14, he is allowed a fiver a week to buy school food - most days he has a packed lunch but is allowed to buy it on one day. THe school has the "thumbprint" system, so I load his account at home and can clearly see what he spends it on (very Big Brother, I know). On Monday he had a bacon sandwich on top of the packed lunch, so that's one day he will run out of money as I won't top it up again until next Month. My son gets £25 pocket money but he has to buy his treats out of it - he has saved for two months to buy FIFA 14 for his x box. Clothes and hair cuts happen as and when - clothes very rarely as he won't come with me to get them. I did spend about £250 on his clothes in the summer, but it included his winter coat, chinos, pumps and t shirts. I expect that will be it until next year.