How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

CATS

Thank you all for your replies, you are so right, I will have to be firm because it is for his own good. To the person asking what am I compesating for? well neither, I am not a single mum, I am very happily married and have a wonderful family unit, my son has grown up in a loving, understanding household. I guess I wanted him to have everything I didn't, that might be what is behind this.

Jo Jo he is very active and not obesse. The packed lunch was a one off yesterday as he was not able to get his school meals due to the activity he had on.

You all make so much sense and I think the way I need to see it, is as me protecting him. I need to change the way I let him deal with this and learn. I have actually planned his whole future including having a deposit for his first house ready in a savings account now!!

balletshoes, your advice in particular has helped me to view it in a different way, you are right, I wouldn't allow him to hurt himself when he was little so why now??? Thank you for that perspective, really helps. I think I will be picturing the electricity socket everytime I say no
Unfortunately they dont come with a manual and I only have one so I guess I will make mistakes on him along the way, that we will hopefully both learn from.

CATS

VJsmum, you actually made me chuckle, no he is definitely not having it stolen, I check his statements and to be honest it looks like we are keeping the corner shop alive. He is def not into booze and cigarrettes, neither me nor his dad drink or smoke and he is too immature to even go there, plus he tells me everything so I would know. When we have parties he has had the chance to try alcohol at home and he doesnt like it.

KxMx

I think the approach of giving it weekly/monthly and that's that is a good one.
Sometimes the best way to learn is through mistakes, and if he goes through all his money but then wants to go out with friends, and there is nothing left, and you say NO to more, he will learn to be more careful so in future he won't miss out.

*Louise*

I am keeping my 14 year old well away from this thread

I put £30 in his lunch account every month, when it runs out he has a packed lunch.
Haircuts are £6 a month at the barber, who does a great job styling the mop he likes to keep on top
I pay any school trips / class contributions that he needs.
I pay for tennis coaching and equipment, and any clothes (but not £50 a month, just as he needs them)

Pocket money isn't hard and fast, it's usually a case of he does his few chores and I give him £1, and he has the potential to earn more. I do give him extra money to go out, which isn't often as his friends don't live nearby, but if I gave him a guaranteed £40 every month I would expect it to come from that.

pops5588

OP, sorry but as others have said you aren't doing your son any favours. This is exactly how my Aunt and Uncle treated my cousin and guess what? Off she went to uni at 18, got her student loan through, thought Ooooo look at all this lovely money and spent the entire semester allowance in one month.

So of course she went running to mummy and daddy who bailed her out. She has learnt nothing. She is now 28 and exactly the same. I don't think she has ever had a healthy relationship in her life, she has her heart set on living in London with some rich banker who will fund her lifestyle and keep her in her designer clothes. She was lovely when she was 14 too. Now we're adults I can't stand her!

Dark_Star

How will he cope as an adult?

Paying rent/mortgage/bills ?

Do you really want to fund him throughout life?

He needs a paper-round or whatever jobs there are for kids in your area PLUS set fees for chores - not - oh your room is er vaguely tidy cos we can see the floor - here's a tenner type thing but a set scale.....

e.g. make bed every day - 50p
do the washing up/or stack AND unload dishwasher - 50p.

In fact everything 50p. He'll either learn to appreciate money a lot more or do less cinema trips etc.

I had part time jobs from the age of 14. Not my choice but if I wanted money that was the ONLY option....for the grand sum of 52.5p per hour too

I remember buying a book by my fave author (which I still have) & thinking...that took me FOUR hours to earn this

Seriously for his sake, cut the money....

DU51Two

£27.00 for a phone contract sounds a lot - have just negotiated mine down to £8.00 a month and that includes all my business calls!

as someone else said - Can you be my Mummy please?

CATS

by the way, those who had a job from 14 onwards, where are you based? I have been trying to get him a job, even as a volunteer and no one is willing to take him until he is 15/16. He is more than willing to do it, we just cant find someone who will take him. I am going to ask a frined who runs his own business to take him on as a volunteer, at least it will give him some work experience, apart from that no one wants to even look at his CV as he is only 14. We are based in London

Helpfulone

bluenoseam wrote: »

Going to sound harsh here, but that's one kid who doesn't know or understand the value of money - £150 a quarter on clothes on top of £120 a quarter in pocket money!!! You need to introduce him sharply to a world where he understands if he has £40 a month that's all he can spend, if you're going to spoil him (and that's what you're doing!) then you need to atleast set limits. What is giving him extra bits & pieces going to tell him in 10 years time when he's got to work to get anywhere near that sort of lifestyle & when his wages are gone, that's it.

I tend to agree with bluenose am here.

What's going to happen when he goes to University - you'll end up having to buy him a car and pay his rent.

Hermia

Helpfulone wrote: »

I tend to agree with bluenose am here.

What's going to happen when he goes to University - you'll end up having to buy him a car and pay his rent.

I remember kids at university who had been spoilt by parents who would spend all their term's money in a couple of weeks. They really did seem to think that money would appear from thin air! One boy spent all his money on CDs, booze and posters in week one and his father put his foot down. He spent the rest of the term eating jacket potatoes with beans!

When I was a teen my parents gave me a monthly allowance at the end of the month (to mimic that way you get paid at work) and that was it. I messed up the first couple of months, but it was amazing how quickly I learnt to budget and divide my money into weeks. Soon I even had money left at the end of the month.

It's worth making your son 'suffer' now in the hope it will help him when he is older.