Woulld you expect ex partner to have a school uniform?

FBaby

We've been separated for 8 years now I think, so a long time ago! To start with, we were quite on decent terms and even spent Christmas together. He was happy not to have the kids too much and no over nights when they were little which in honesty suited me too as I had always been their main care giver. Things go bad (as usual!) when his new partner got in the picture and decided that he should cut all ties with me and therefore never see me again on friendly terms. I didn't mind that except when she started to interfere with contact and money. This is when I had to decide whether to fight or not. Everyone (even his family) were 100% behind me, but that made no difference. At times I was devastated, especially when the kids who were still quite little thought their dad was God and I couldn't say otherwise.

Things did get better when I met my husband only because feeling happier within myself, it was easier to let go of the resentment. What always did it though is that although I don't come across as maternal to many, I would do absolutely everything to protect my kids from harm and the idea of seeing them sad and crying because of the tension between their parents was enough for me to accept that not fighting back was for the best for them. Of course I wished (and still do at times) that they were aware of it, but again, I don't do it for appreciation, purely because as parents, we should always put our kids first.

Yes at time I still get angry, even very angry inside but I always let it go before I decide to act on it. I have started being more honest with the children, but I do it in a factual rather than bitter way, at least I hope that's how it comes across to them.

It is hard, but what helps is to imagine it was your friend telling you about it all and what you would tell them to do. It then makes you realise that there really is nothing to gain from fighting.

peachyprice

iammumtoone wrote: »

Fbaby you speak a lot of sense , do you mind me asking how long you have been split up from you ex and how long it took you to get to the stage you are now, where there is no resentment (as surely you must have felt some at first? we are all human)

I can answer that too. It's really quite simple, it becomes so much easier when you accept that this person is going to be a part of your life forever (or at least until your child wants them in their life) and the only person the resentment is hurting is your child.

The path to bringing up a well rounded individual, despite having parents who are separated is both of you putting the child first and acting like reasonable adults.

victory

Spendless wrote: »

What they mean is if Dad buys 'Uniform 6', which is what the OP wants, this week it hangs in the wardrobe at Dad's house. Son arrives having changed out of Friday's uniform by going back to Mums first. On Monday morning son puts on Uniform 6 to go to school. On Monday night he returns to Mum's house with Uniform 6 on. This means there is now 6 uniforms at Mum's house including the one Dad 'owns' So what happens next time son is staying at Dads? Is son now allowed to travel in that days uniform to Dads for him to launder, or does he still have to fetch son back on Monday morning in order to put on one of the 6 uniforms he now owns on or does he do exactly what he is currently doing, which is go home Friday night, change, put a uniform in a bag and go to Dads via Grandparents. The only difference is son now own 6 uniforms instead of 5, 1 of which Dad purchased and the rest Mum shopped for.

^^^^^ has to be the post of the month in explanation terms:T

I have followed the thread and tried to understand it but this makes more sense than all of it put together:D

It has a lot to do with dislike for the father, resentment , point scoring and when the NRP will not roll over and agree it borders on hatred. All the negatives only end up in a vat of vitriol, making one ill, stressed, unhappy, who would want to put oneself through all that for the sake of a school uniform. It has to be let go

FatVonD

FBaby wrote: »

You have a new life, surely you have plenty on your mind. Is all this really worth your time and energy? If I was your partner, it would really get to me because all your actions show that you just haven't moved on.

I totally agree with this. I think the reason I get on okay with my ex is because there are no residual feelings on either side. I would have thought that since the OP is in a new relationship and has another child that she might have reached that point too.

unholyangel

maman wrote: »

If you separate the question from the bitterness then it makes the uniform matter look ridiculous. If the boy was going to stay with a friend or grandparents would OP expect them to provide uniform?

Bit of a silly comparison imo. Neither friends nor grandparents have any parental responsibility for the child.

FatVonD wrote: »

I totally agree with this. I think the reason I get on okay with my ex is because there are no residual feelings on either side. I would have thought that since the OP is in a new relationship and has another child that she might have reached that point too.

I don't get the sense the OP has any feelings for her ex other than one of frustration - which is perfectly normal in these circumstances but (like you or fbaby said in an earlier post) I do think there is a lot more background than just the school uniform - hence why it winds the OP up when it probably shouldn't be a big deal.

The main thing is that their son gets time with his dad - I agree on that. One parent may have to pick up the slack in order to do whats in the childs best interests, but that doesnt necessarily mean that it should be that way. Both parents should be equally responsible and I can see where OP is coming from in that regards.

If only we lived in a perfect world, eh?

newcook

I don’t get why your son cant wear his uniform to grandparents/dads on the Friday and have dad wash the uniform over the weekend ready for Monday morning – or (shock, horror) your son could stick it in the wash at his dads!

peachyprice

newcook wrote: »

I don’t get why your son cant wear his uniform to grandparents/dads on the Friday and have dad wash the uniform over the weekend ready for Monday morning – or (shock, horror) your son could stick it in the wash at his dads!

Because OP bought it

**Patty**

Claire212 wrote: »

I always thought that we were both responsible for this. I know it does deflate my own argument somewhat and many will therefore say there you go then. Lol. But if both parents have a legal responsibility to protect and maintain the child, he would be somewhat responsible would he not? Could you let me know how you know this and if there is something I could read/ look at it would be great. Interesting......

Yep.

Family Court Judge and several (very expensive) solicitors in a Residency Order hearing for my step-son.

Even though we lived 12 miles away and in a different county, it was still my husband's sole responsibility to ensure his son was in school with all his relevant equipment.
Even if he stayed with his mother on a school night, the responsibility was still my husband's. (we asked specifically)

scaredofdebt

Apologies if this has been mentioned but.

Is he getting a "discount" on the amount of CM he pays as the son stays with him once (or is it more) a week?

If so then it would be reasonable to ask for a contribution towards clothing bearing that in mind and certainly as a father in a similar position I would feel morally obliged to offer something, even if it were a modest sum.

But morally obliged applies to different people in different ways.

iammumtoone

**Patty** wrote: »

Yep.

Family Court Judge and several (very expensive) solicitors in a Residency Order hearing for my step-son.

Even though we lived 12 miles away and in a different county, it was still my husband's sole responsibility to ensure his son was in school with all his relevant equipment.
Even if he stayed with his mother on a school night, the responsibility was still my husband's. (we asked specifically)

On the other hand I was told by a solicitor that my ex could do whatever he liked with my son (as long as it was legal!) in the time he had him, I have no say in the matter if he wants to do anything with him that I would consider unsuitable for him. So it does seem that NRP, can on one hand, do whatever they please, but on the other don't actually hold any responsibility for the day to day care of the child?

Don't get me wrong I would rather be a PWC for all the money in the world, I get to set more of my son than the NRP and I wouldn't want it any other way.