Woulld you expect ex partner to have a school uniform?

gravitytolls

Claire212 wrote: »

I consider it money saving to buy all 5 sets. I can wash my partners at the same time so it saves on washing. (Which the saves me money soing 3 washes instead of 6 every week. They also last much longer as they are not being repeatedly washed. I buy them early on in the year in the next size up, usually on sale. Many people do this as a way of saving money there is not a one way or the highway approch to moneysaving!

You don't need to justify your clothing/washing arrangements; horses for courses and all that.

But, I do agree that for one night a week, it isn't terribly reasonable to expect him to supply a uniform.

I've a friend who co parents with her ex. They both have fairly identical clothes etc. for the children, but that's because they are with each parent for a week. They don't take suitcases, because they're not going for a visit, they have two homes.

Another has a son who visits his father every other weekend. She sends him with all he needs, including uniform. The only things she refuses to supply are the things she wouldn't normally have... i.e they like camping, she told him he needed to supply the sleeping bag, waterproofs and stuff that she would never normally need. Oh and she did insist that they provide wellies or spare shoes as his expensive school shoes were coming home covered in mud (she wasn't happy as they were sending him to school on Monday in mud covered shoes).

Look, the ex may be a arsicle hole, but ultimately if you and yours are happy and healthy, you just need to try and shrug your shoulders and consider how fortunate you are not to have been lumbered with him for life.

duchy

So ultimately Dad and son sorted out the uniform issue between themselves...... which would have happened in the first place if the OP had simply said. Sort the logistics of uniform out between yourselves and kept out of it.

peachyprice

duchy wrote: »

So ultimately Dad and son sorted out the uniform issue between themselves...... which would have happened in the first place if the OP had simply said. Sort the logistics of uniform out between yourselves and kept out of it.

Why do I think it's still not going to be good enough for OP

FBaby

duchy wrote: »

So ultimately Dad and son sorted out the uniform issue between themselves...... which would have happened in the first place if the OP had simply said. Sort the logistics of uniform out between yourselves and kept out of it.

But OP is not happy with that because it would appear despite being 13, her son can't have that sort of discussion with his dad and needs to involve mum and she wants to do what is best for him, which seems to be not to go to his dad with his uniform still on or take a clean one with him.

Claire212

FBaby wrote: »

It made you smile? I think it is utterly sad to resolve to such childless behaviour to score points.


And so what? why can't you just take a step back and realise that letting him 'win' is actually showing that you are the biggest one? My ex has done much worse manipulation,

I don't care, I just want peace and quiet for me, my hubby and children.

It made me smile because he hasn't picked up our son from our house for a very long time. And even though my son has had to catch the bus to his Dads/Grandparents before, he now decides that it is no longer the massive inconvenience that it was. I wonder what changed?

When you say that your ex had done so much worse in manipulation, it's wonderful that you can let it go. Maybe it is the fact that he manipulated me into paying all of his debts off by fooling me that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me and his son. But then treated me as though I was dirt on his shoe. Locked me out my own house and then used our son as a way of keeping me out. When he couldn't get his own way, he gave up hs job, caused the house to get repossessed and then left me paying back the shortfall to the bank. They went after me because I was the only wage earner. (He kindly provided the debt recovery company with my address). I am still paying it off.

When I had my daughter and contracted maternal sepsis and was enjoying a stay in the Critical Care Unit, my ex DEMANDED that he still have his agreed contact. Said that he had PR and would phone the police if my parents refused to hand him over. He drove all the way to my parents house (who were caring for our son while my partner refused to leave my side) and informed them that it was really inconvenient that they lived 20 miles away and they should drop him off next time. He really is a piece of work. So while you have had the last 8 years to take a breath and calm down. I am not in that place yet, because his actions still have an impact on my daily life.

I was very lucky that I pulled through and am still here, because if I hadn't then my son would have lost the chance to say goodbye to me. Because his Dad does not pick up the phone while he has him. Full stop. After this we made arrangements for our son to have his own phone. The one we got wasn't good enough. His mates were taking the mickey out of him. His Dad got him an Iphone.

My ex continues to change contact agreements on a whim, messing us about. If we have a special occasion to go to on one of his days his father normally has him, we know our son will not be able to go. I am waiting for him to put up a reason why our son can't come to our wedding in March.

So letting him 'win', disrupts our family life, and lets him know that I will always bend over and bark like a dog when he likes. All I 'told' him to do was buy a uniform so he had a spare one. (in realitiy it was more a suggestion). He went balistic.

So, I do want a peacefull life for myself, my soon to be husband and my children. The only way I can see myself doing that is to finally stand up to this man, a uniform may be small to some and probably not worth it. But I think it just might be the start of a whole lot more.

duchy

You are playing right into his hands.

There is a saying that the best revenge is to have a good life.

You have one but you are allowing this man to still impact on that life.
When your son was small -yes it was harder-now he's older you can take a step back.
If your son wants to do things that impact on his access visits-suggest he talks to his Dad and tells him he wants to do X and can they change the day. Odds are Dad will be more reasonable if it's between the two of them and you aren't involved. If he won't change the day then your son has the choice -either he doesn't go or he skips Dad that week. If he skips it what can Dad actually do ? The police won't be interested in a teenager skipping a visit to Dad.

If Dad kicks off-he kicks off -refuse to engage -say you won't get in the middle your son is old enough to choose and refuse to discuss the matter with Dad. Explain to your son that you playing piggy in the middle is not helping him and his Dad have a proper Dad son relationship and they need to sort these things without you as your involvement makes Dad less reasonable and open to new ideas.

Worst scenario is he goes to court (probably won't as it'll cost) and provided you have been reasonable he will be told so long as access is reasonable it doesn't have to be locked in to the same days or even every week. Your son's wishes will be a consideration too.

Explain to your son that now he's older you feel you need to step away and let him and his Dad work things out as father and son.

So stand up to him -in the right way. Refuse to allow him to push your buttons.
You aren't his wife you don't have the right to "tell" him to do things (like buy uniform). Stop engaging with him-everyone will be a lot happier.

You, your son not having to listen to you and Dad moaning about each other and you fiance not having to listen to you rant about a man who is supposedly out of your life yet you still allow him to affect you (marriages have failed over less)

Claire212

peachyprice wrote: »

I can answer that too. It's really quite simple, it becomes so much easier when you accept that this person is going to be a part of your life forever (or at least until your child wants them in their life) and the only person the resentment is hurting is your child.

The path to bringing up a well rounded individual, despite having parents who are separated is both of you putting the child first and acting like reasonable adults.

But if the NRP puts there own needs first, and acts like a complete p***k what do we do then?

It must be wonderful to forgive. I truly wish that I could do it.

I get this whole, 'Let's get on for the kids'. But I really can't stand this man. If we didn't have our son then I would get as far away as possible. And I have had enough of pretending that I do.

I have bitten my tongue until now. My son is almost a teenager and his Dad still refuses to listen to him, so while he is old enough to talk to his Dad about things, his Dad just does what he wants anyway. This issue has not been resolved between them, because his Dad will not budge.

I believe that my son is not yet ready to be told his Dad only has him overnight to reduce his mantenance payments so he will never agree to any request that he doesn't stay overnight without having to give a night back.

And I don't think that he is old enough for an economics lesson, regarding me paying off the 'old house' and that the maintenance does not, as his Dad says cover his weekly costs and that I can't afford Xbox/School based on what his father gives me. Because his Dad will lie. And short of showing him my bank statement, he had no reason to doubt his father.

I dont think that anyone would see my offering this information being a good thing. Infact I could bet that I would be accused of being even more petty.

Because if one of the the keys to getting past the resentment, and not getting angry all the time, like FBaby says, is being honest in a factual way. I don't know if it would come across that way.

HappyMJ

Claire212 wrote: »

I was very lucky that I pulled through and am still here, because if I hadn't then my son would have lost the chance to say goodbye to me. Because his Dad does not pick up the phone while he has him. Full stop. After this we made arrangements for our son to have his own phone. The one we got wasn't good enough. His mates were taking the mickey out of him. His Dad got him an Iphone.

Claire212 wrote: »

I believe that my son is not yet ready to be told his Dad only has him overnight to reduce his mantenance payments so he will never agree to any request that he doesn't stay overnight without having to give a night back.

<snip>

as his Dad says cover his weekly costs and that I can't afford Xbox/School based on what his father gives me.

I don't for one minute believe he only has his son for one night a week to save £16 a month.

He's paying for cinema trips, days out, iphones, xboxes...etc. I would appreciate that much more.

FBaby

So, I do want a peacefull life for myself, my soon to be husband and my children. The only way I can see myself doing that is to finally stand up to this man, a uniform may be small to some and probably not worth it. But I think it just might be the start of a whole lot more.

And where do you think this will take you? Some inner satisfaction that you are angering and making things difficult for him? The same way he will do everything to make it difficult for you too. The reality is that you can both do it and do so for another 7 years, are you looking forward to it? Can't you see how this will end up affecting your son? Can't you see that even if your son were to understand your reasons for doing what you are doing, that his lack of shared anger might end up with him thinking you are nothing more than a desperate and bitter parent?

So he has done you wrong? So had my ex (also left me with a hefty loan through no fault of mine) as had millions of people who have been hard done by, lied to, cheated on etc... Some people move on and some battle on, embracing in small victories without realising that they have done more damage around them then what they got back.

Of course it takes time to move on but you seem to be going in the total opposite direction, looking for more and more ways to annoy your ex. I was a child of divorced parents and despite them not playing 1/10th of the games you and your ex are playing, I felt stuck in the middle and stretched by both sides, and that was the absolute worse feeling to have. Maybe that's why I refuse to fall to that game because I know that those most hurt are always the kids.

silvercar

You have to live with this guy in your life for the sake of your son.

Claire212 wrote: »

When I had my daughter and contracted maternal sepsis and was enjoying a stay in the Critical Care Unit, my ex DEMANDED that he still have his agreed contact. Said that he had PR and would phone the police if my parents refused to hand him over. He drove all the way to my parents house (who were caring for our son while my partner refused to leave my side) and informed them that it was really inconvenient that they lived 20 miles away and they should drop him off next time. He really is a piece of work. So while you have had the last 8 years to take a breath and calm down. I am not in that place yet, because his actions still have an impact on my daily life.

It is not unreasonable for the NRP to look after their child when the PWC is hospitalised.

. The one we got wasn't good enough. His mates were taking the mickey out of him. His Dad got him an Iphone.

So he is prepared to pay money out for his son - misguided in giving an iphone to a youngster, but still.

My ex continues to change contact agreements on a whim, messing us about. If we have a special occasion to go to on one of his days his father normally has him, we know our son will not be able to go. I am waiting for him to put up a reason why our son can't come to our wedding in March.

So knowing that you have difficulties changing contact time, you planned your wedding day for a day when NRP should have your son! Bad planning - would have been easier to avoid this probkem from the start.