Woulld you expect ex partner to have a school uniform?

Claire212

FBaby wrote: »

I think I would have been wary of the bit in bold. Who gives any one the right to tell the other parent what to do? To suggest with good reasons yes, but to tell? In your case, you don't seem to have good reasons, yet you seem to think you can tell your ex what he should do without him having the right to tell you where to go.



Indeed, but we move on because it doesn't do the children caught in the middle any favours to have one harbouring constant bitter feelings towards the other. So we know you are a great mother and your ex is rubbish when it comes to responsibility. Unfortunately, you chose him, so have to accept some responsibility for it. You can also look at it that he has helped create your son and you wouldn't have him without him, so that's something. My ex is worse than yours when it comes to responsibilities, haven't received a penny in maintenance for years and I pay for the children to go and see him. Yes, I do hold all the feelings you mention, but I swallow them because fighting with him has never brought any positive outcome for anyone, it only makes things worse and it is just not worth it. He is NOT going to change for my benefit now when he didn't when we were together.

I usually stick to the he only pays me £96 a month in maintenance because that is easier that giving all the background information. He has only been paying for 3 months and is over £5000 in arrears. Only works part time so the money he gives me is minimal.

I am still paying off his debts. We remortgaged the house to save it from being repossessed as he has got into debt and was being made bankcrupt. We payed them all off amountiing to around £15,000. Yes. That's right, but when you are trying to save the home that your child grew up in.... 3 weeks later he locked me out the house, bagged up all my stuff, told me he was sleeping with someone else and would I like to take my son to my Mums. The police couldn't make him leave legally, so I left. I could never get back in. He applied for an interim contact order, and got it, so the judge had to let him stay in the house because he also had overnight contact. Eventually he couldn't afford the house on his own, so it got reposessed. I am paying the short fall as the highest wage earner. I am still paying it off now.

I think that saying I should take responsibility for choosing himis a little bit insensitive, if one was abused or god forbid worse, you can't exactly blame them. We do not know what anyone will become, we take a leap of faith. I refuse to take ANY responsibility for what he did, or continues to do.

I feel as though I need to be clear here also. I am not a single parent. I have a new partner and we have a daughter 19 months old. We are paying off his debts and running our family. We both work and do not qualify for free school meals etc, our income is way over the threshold. We recieve minimal tax credits. But we do recieve Child Benefit for each child. He has in total paid us £300 (ish) in maintenance in 7 years. But the £96 is less than what I am stll paying off the mortgage. So if your ex is worse than that, my apologies.

:mad:

Claire212

peachyprice wrote: »

Ok, we've established, strangely or not, that you have 5 full sets of uniform, but you are only sending him to school from yours 4 days a week. If you feel so strongly about your sons not having to schlep uniform about why can't you send the 5th, spare set, to his fathers?

Can you not see how incredibly petty it is to be in possession of more sets than you actually need and still expect his father to buy a 6th set?

5 days one week. He goes to his fathers thurday for his tea, not overnight. And what about his PE kit? I only have one of those.

And I never said that I wouldn't send him in one.

I said that I told his father that he should really think about him buying one himself. I think in hindsight that 'told' may have been the wring word. 'Suggested' may have been better. I can't rememeber exactly how I worded it. But he went balistic, Hiding behind the old chestnut of "I pay maintenance", so I said that obvioucly I would send him in one as his father had refused. A point lost I think, as you have also decided without understanding my point to label me petty and assume that this has and is my normal practise, It isn't, the arrangements haven't even started yet!!!!! I send things for my son to wear and use that's fine, but what exactly is so petty and wrong about asking him to have one? I'm not his personal cash point. His maintenance is reduced accordingly. And yes, they do belong to the 'child' and should be able to go to and from wherever. But they do not just pop out of thin air. Someone has to pay for them. I wouldn't lend him my sons sofa bed because he pays me £96 a month and my son needs one there.

I mearly asked is anyone else would expect him to have a spare uniform or clothes at his house. Seems not. But I now feel left to defend my right to ask, and seem to have hit a nerve because I feel that as long as I do not do it infront of my son I can ask him whatever I like and harbour as many feelings as I want to towards him, because I would not be human if I didn't.

Gigglepig

Seems the NRP has at least 3 options if a child arrives in school uniform which needs to be used the next day;

1. Wash and iron it and send the child back in a clean uniform
2. Get a spare set, so they don't have to wash it the same day, and can still send the child back in clean uniform, or
3. Send the child back in a dirty uniform

It is really up to the NRP how they manage the situation. (But you may not like it if they have lower standards and go for option 3...)

Same regarding weekend clothes. If you don't want to be a laundry service just leave it up to the NRP how they wish to manage it; for example

1. Nrp buys clothes to stay at theirs, and son returns in uniform
2. Nrp can borrow clothes from the other parent but in that case needs to play by their rules i.e. For example, return the set clean and ironed
3. NRP doesn't care if son spends whole weekend in uniform

OP i certainly would not provide a laundry service to anyone, but I might send clothes on the condition that the whole set used during one stay is returned clean and ironed the following stay. If the NRP failed to return all items in clean condition I would just say NO. Although it would be very hard to sit back as it would impact your son, the NRP would soon see that you mean business and that you are not a laundromat, and hopefully address the situation themselves. You shouldn't need to parent the other parent, take a step back and let them get on with finding their own solutions.

peachyprice

Claire212 wrote: »

but what exactly is so petty and wrong about asking him to have one? .

Because you already have more than you need.

balletshoes

peachyprice wrote: »

Because you already have more than you need.

and because the PE kit is clean for Monday anyway, and as Dad collects son on Friday evening, he has plenty of time to wash the uniform son arrives in on Friday, for Monday morning?

FatVonD

Claire212 wrote: »

I mearly asked is anyone else would expect him to have a spare uniform or clothes at his house.

You asked but you had already made your mind up and no amount of opinions were or are going to change that and then you argued against any suggestion that you were being unreasonable.

You're not alone, very few people asking for an opinion on here are actually genuinely undecided about a course of action and these type of threads are never going to end well.

I don't understand why you don't give your son's dad his clothes for the weekend on the Thursday night to save your son coming back to change and he can then go to his nan's straight from school with no extra clothes to carry.

aliasojo

Claire212 wrote: »

I wonder if he had put up a post, something along the lines of.. I am a Dad having my son for the weekend, my ex had told me to buy him a uniform so we have a spare in emergencies, I told her where to go! I pay £xx she can pay for it out that. What response would that have got?

I think the post might have been more along the lines of.....

'I am a Dad having my son for the weekend, my ex had told me to buy him a uniform so we can have a spare in emergencies but I really don't see the point in that and think it's an unnecessary waste of money since he already has 5 sets of uniform at home anyway.

I think this is more about making life easier for my ex than it is for my son.

I already pay £xx so I don't see why she can't pay for her own choices. '

I think there are two sides to most things and whilst I've been in the 'argue with your ex' camp (so I can sympathise with how frustrating it can be at times), I do think in this instance you are being just a tad unreasonable, simply because the need isn't there. Iyswim? It's just a choice you would prefer.

twigpig

If you really went down the road of his dad having a uniform there are also other clothes for your son, how do you keep the right clothes in the right house to make sure he'd always have the things be bought washed and ready to go? Your poor son will end up in the middle of what really shouldn't be an issue trying to wear the clothes are each house and taking back clothes to wherever they're meant to stay.

If he was going to his grandparents overnight - I honestly don't even think you would have considered doing anything but sending your son with his own uniform/clothes and whatever else he might need. Why shouldn't he just wear his own clothes - it's irrelevant who bought them for him. They're his clothes are he should simply wear them when he needs them.......

System

I even pay for all his school dinners every day and trust me. £96 doesn't cover an almost 13 year olds appetite.

and so it shouldn't.... after all he's your son too.

Gigglepig

twigpig wrote: »

If he was going to his grandparents overnight - I honestly don't even think you would have considered doing anything but sending your son with his own uniform/clothes and whatever else he might need. .

I don't understand this comparison - staying with a parent is not the same as staying with family/friends/a babysitter.