Asking my needy mother for space

LannieDuck

OP, I understand why your brothers don't manage to physically see your mother as often as you do, but why is it always you she has to talk to on the phone? I think you need to get them to do a phone call a week each to take the pressure off you.

georgiesmum

Having just lost my husband, i am very lonely. Not used to being on my own. My daughters phone evry night, i don't have to phone them. They have always done this and one phones twice a day. I don't think they feel i am taking over their lives. I to give my input into their lives, we are family after all, surlely we can make comments to try and help. You are willing to take help from her but don't want to give anything back, or as little as possible.
Be a little compassinate. you only have one mother . I lost mine in my teens and i would give anything to have her invading my life.

RAS

georgiesmum wrote: »

you only have one mother . I lost mine in my teens and i would give anything to have her invading my life.

I would have been delighted to let you have mine, lock stock, barrel and inheritance and all.

In exchange for you keeping her out of my life.

It very much depends on the person involved; the fact that they have borne a child does not alter the basic underlying personality.

thorsoak

You say that you have one little one, are heavily pregnant with baby no 2, that your mum has helped you with housework and childcare, has helped you buy a sofa and has helped you financially as well.

And now you've told her to give you space? Of course she is going to react - her needy daughter no longer wants her!

You've allowed her to make your lives her life and now that you've realised that you want some independence, that you should be bringing up your family not her, that your ideas are not the same as hers. But you've cut her lifeline! Of course she's going to react and feel hurt and abandoned. If she hadn't been helping you, I'll lay odds on the fact that you would have been posting on here saying "my mum has no interest in my family etc, etc etc......"

poet123

Dunroamin wrote: »

If it were me, I'd've phoned on the previous evening to let my mother know I was back safely because she used to worry. It was pretty daft that she felt like that but it was just the way she was.

That is what I would do too, and during that call I would have arranged to see her the next day having appreciated that she probably hadn't had much company whilst we had been away.

happy2B

Try turning it the other way round by making the offer yourself - ask her "Would you like to come round next Thursday?" - which gives her something to look forward to but also makes it clear that you don't expect her to come round UNTIL next Thursday.
The way she is behaving IS unfair and emotional blackmail, but she is clearly lonely and has very little else to focus on in her life. I think the way to deal with it is with love and care but also firmly. A lot of the suggestions about helping her to develop other interests and friends are good. Just be clear about what YOUR limits are e.g. "I would be happy to meet twice a week" - and if she tries to link it with other issues like inheritance (which I am sure she is only doing because she feels hurt) then just reply that that is her choice but you have made your position clear.
You are doing the right thing - keep reminding her that you do love her dearly but you also have your own life and family. And remind both your brothers and her that she does have other children too!

itsanne

georgiesmum wrote: »

Having just lost my husband, i am very lonely. Not used to being on my own. My daughters phone evry night, i don't have to phone them. They have always done this and one phones twice a day. I don't think they feel i am taking over their lives. I to give my input into their lives, we are family after all, surlely we can make comments to try and help. You are willing to take help from her but don't want to give anything back, or as little as possible.
Be a little compassinate. you only have one mother . I lost mine in my teens and i would give anything to have her invading my life.

First of all, Georgiesmum, I am sorry that you have lost your husband. It is obviously still early days, but things will gradually become less awful. I wish you well.

There's a difference in the support needed after a bereavement. I phoned my mother every day , sometimes more than once, after my father died too, and still do at times when she seems more vulnerable than usual. I still wouldn't have expected her to phone twice by 9am after I'd been away. That's with having a good relationship. The OP said she hasn't had a good relationship. I think that's been forgotten about by some posters.

It's one thing offering advice or making the occasional comment, it's something else again when it's a constant "You should . . .". Having experienced a MIL who could be like this, it doesn't help the relationship at all. It can be very wearing indeed.

I think you are being unfair in saying the OP doesn't want to give anything back. It seems perfectly clear to me that she does care about her mother, but she is finding the intensity which her mother demands difficult to cope with.

Perhaps the main thing for her to learn from what has happened is that accepting help from her mother in the future will come with a heavy price tag, so she would be better not to accept the help. I find that a sad reflection of her mother, as when my mother has helped me there have been no strings attached and when I help my children (or others) I would not want the help to be qualified.

I do think, however, that the OP did not handle things very well in what she said to her mother. It's not surprising that her mother was upset. I somehow don't think she'll be quite so undiplomatic in the future!

Mojisola

itsanne wrote: »

I do think, however, that the OP did not handle things very well in what she said to her mother. It's not surprising that her mother was upset. I somehow don't think she'll be quite so undiplomatic in the future!

This is one of the dangers of putting up with something for too long - at some point you snap and say more than is good and in a way you may later regret.

A bit of bridge building sounds in order but so does setting boundaries. If Mum is still lonely, she needs to get herself out and join clubs, become a volunteer, join a dating site - whatever helps her fill her life. A parent shouldn't expect a child to be responsible for their happiness.