Asking my needy mother for space

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

Well, they aren't part of the nuclear family, of the household anymore, are they? That's life, that's how things change as time moves on. Putting your offspring first doesn't mean you don't respect your parents, or consider them family, but they're extended family now and relationships have to evolve.

Obviously that's the case when your children are young and your parents are in their fifties and sixties. Surely that changes when the children are adults with homes of their own and your parents are in their seventies and eighties, particularly if they're on their own or have become frail? Taking on a more "parental" role with your own parents is also a way in which relationships evolve.

Dunroamin

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Maybe if you had had your own family you would feel differently.

I have had my own family.

Dunroamin

Mojisola wrote: »

But this isn't reciprocal - this is "I'll pay for your new sofa and then you'll give me access to every part of your life whenever I want it and I won't tell you in advance that there are strings attached so that you can chose whether to accept my help."

I'm glad to say I grew up in a family where we did and still do help each other out. I've spent years looking after my parents and I've done it willingly because they offered help to me and others whenever it was needed but we all did it unconditionally.

They didn't help me and keep a running total of how much they were due back from me. I didn't help them with any expectation of getting something back from them. I certainly won't make my kids feel guilty if they aren't able to do as much for me.

If you use emotional blackmail to force people to do what you want, you're not going to be popular and any help will be very grudging. If everyone around you finds you difficult - look to yourself, they can't all be wrong about you!

Doesn't that make it reciprocal, even if not conditional?

Counting_Pennies_2

It is a tough one.

I couldn't cope with the constant interference in my life, so when the opportunity arose in my 20s I moved 100 miles away. I have managed to remove my mother from my day to day dealings, and have the odd interruption in my life every month or so through calls and emails.

She was hard work throughout my childhood and worse in my teens and early 20s so it was a relief for me when I moved away. I managed to ease my way out of her clutches and went from daily calls, to weekly to now monthly, although it has taken over 10 years to reduce it.

The thing is I don't ask anything of her and likewise I am not expecting her to ask anything of me. She has visited my house once or twice since my two children have been born, and that has been over 10 years. She has been of absolutely no assistance to me, no matter what the crisis, even extreme needs of assistance such as new born rushed to hospital, toddler with chicken pox not allowed near the hospital and husband in another country with work, that did not bring an agreement from her to visit and help me, she said she would put herself at risk being around a chicken pox child, I would point out, she is not frail, and has had chicken pox.

When I had postnatal depression I plucked up the courage to tell her, when she called me at a bad time and was tearful and she demanded to know what was the matter with me, and her response was 'Been there, done that, got the t-shirt' and when I put the phone down, I was peppered with answerphone messages that I was rude and should never treat her like that again.

I always vowed I would not let her treat my children the way she treated me as a child. So for me I don't feel the need to give her my time, or my efforts. The lack of effort in my childhood was enough to bear. If the time comes I will sort out her nursing home, along with my sisters. My children will see her once or twice a year when I travel down to see her so they know who she is and apart from that I don't see I have any further obligation.

My sisters however see her regularly. One lives in the same town, the other in the same county. The first sister received once a week child care, then a dropping off to school service. The other sees her fortnightly, and 'Granny I need you, mummy is throwing up' calls are answered and help provided. So I see my sisters should take up the slack and respond to her needs if they arise. I likewise do not see it as my responsibility to take on an equal share of that requirement.

I have seen my mother treat my nieces and nephews the way I was as a child, blatant rudeness to one and extreme favouring to another but my sister decided she wanted the childcare, so has turned a blind eye to it.

I firmly believe you are gifted a child until the age of 18 and if you respect one another it is a further gift to be in one anothers lives beyond that time. I do not see the years that have been given to a child gives you a right to then be in their life after the age of 18, or that the child is obliged to give their parent any further contact or assistance.

It is naturally wonderful for the family to be close and in contact for life, and I wish everyone a very happy life with one another.

I yearn for a loving mother. Seeing the special relationship my MIL has with her daughter cuts right through me. As my husband keeps saying to me, I just have the chance to make it right with mine I can't do anything about the past.

So in answer to your question, and further post, I think if you continue to accept assistance then you will need to accept the interference that comes with it. For each bit of help you receive a perception that she can make a suggestion is I am afraid valid. It is up to you to decide what level you want her in your life. If you don't want it, then you will need to be self sufficient. If you do wish to continue to receive her assistance you will need to as I think you have stated speak to her regularly and include her in your life and take the good bits, and ignore the not so good.

hth

Mojisola

Dunroamin wrote: »

Doesn't that make it reciprocal, even if not conditional?

It certainly wasn't conditional.

To some extent it was reciprocal but there was no expectation from them that I should help. They were very grateful that I did but they wouldn't have put pressure on me to do it "because they had helped me in the past".

Dunroamin

Mojisola wrote: »

It certainly wasn't conditional.

To some extent it was reciprocal but there was no expectation from them that I should help. They were very grateful that I did but they wouldn't have put pressure on me to do it "because they had helped me in the past".

There may have been no expectation but might there not have been some resentment if you'd accepted lots of help from them and then didn't reciprocate? I think that, over time, that would be quite understandable.

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

Obviously that's the case when your children are young and your parents are in their fifties and sixties. Surely that changes when the children are adults with homes of their own and your parents are in their seventies and eighties, particularly if they're on their own or have become frail? Taking on a more "parental" role with your own parents is also a way in which relationships evolve.

The OP does have young children, as do many of the people who post in here about 'putting my family first'.

Mrs_pbradley936

fredtheguava wrote: »

Wow, not my point. But I don't believe parents are 'owed' time just because they put the time in. To decide to parent is YOUR decision, and shouldn't come with strings attached.

I would hope that most of us would welcome family ties with associated responsibilities unless of course a child has been raised in a toxic environment.

I could never be like the mother in question because I am too busy to babysit, too tight to lend money and too proud to beg for attention. If I was that lonely I would get a cat!

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

The OP does have young children, as do many of the people who post in here about 'putting my family first'.

I think we've rather moved away from the OP's specific post. Many people seem to carry on with that attitude even when their children are adults themselves.

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

The OP does have young children, as do many of the people who post in here about 'putting my family first'.

It rather depends on how much being involved with a parent "infringes" on your life surely? My children were quite young when my father died and my mother was left alone after 50 years of marriage. She was bereft.

I had to balance my life, but it was my own personal time that suffered not family time. My kids weren't affected by the need for phone calls or visits, or the fact that for some years after that she holidayed with us, to them she was a bonus presence.

Despite her need she would never have allowed my kids to be sidelined or come second to her, so I don't really see the issue as a stark choice of parent or child.