Asking my needy mother for space

fredtheguava

Dunroamin wrote: »

Sorry, only truculent teenagers are allowed to shout, "I didn't ask to be born!" at their parents.

Wow, not my point. But I don't believe parents are 'owed' time just because they put the time in. To decide to parent is YOUR decision, and shouldn't come with strings attached.

lika_86

fredtheguava wrote: »

I still don't understand - what is 'their due'? My parents chose to have me. I don't owe them anything for that decision, nor for raising me.

No, they chose to have a child, not you. Their parenting turned you into who you are. If you consider you turned out half decent then you owe them for that.

an9i77

fredtheguava wrote: »

Wow, not my point. But I don't believe parents are 'owed' time just because they put the time in. To decide to parent is YOUR decision, and shouldn't come with strings attached.

I don't believe it's an equal relationship in the same way that partners or friends are. I'm not saying children should be take take take all the time but as a parent myself I fully expect to give far more to my child (both now and in the future) than I will ever receive.
My dad said it well, he said he didn't mind too much all the money he has spent on us over the years on our education and suchlike so long as we give some of our wealth to our children in the future. Not that it's just about money, it's about time/practical/emotional help too.

Dunroamin

an9i77 wrote: »

I don't believe it's an equal relationship in the same way that partners or friends are. I'm not saying children should be take take take all the time but as a parent myself I fully expect to give far more to my child (both now and in the future) than I will ever receive.
My dad said it well, he said he didn't mind too much all the money he has spent on us over the years on our education and suchlike so long as we give some of our wealth to our children in the future. Not that it's just about money, it's about time/practical/emotional help too.

Isn't the normal thing that you give and take care of your children when they're young and then (unless, of course, the relationship has been abusive) the children do the same for their parents when they get old?

RAS

Hi

One of the things you need to do is to start not asking for help/declining help.

That gives her less scope to think that she is entitled to mess with your life.

Start just walking away when she starts trying to tell you how to manage your child/life etc. "Thanks" turn back and walk away.

if she starts on the phone "thank you for your comments, speak to youm later," phone down.

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think that much of this "narcissitic mother" stuff is based on American psychobabble and used by people who just aren't prepared to give their parents the time they're owed.

I agree with you on the first part, not on the second.

People on here seem incredibly quick to apply the 'narcissism' label to everybody except themselves, however, children don't automatically owe their parents anything.

Its not terribly healthy or practical to rely on just one person, or just your relatives for all your social needs anyway. My elderly grandparents have a thriving social life, they like us but they don't desperately need us for social contact, and that has to be better, doesn't it?

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

Isn't the normal thing that you give and take care of your children when they're young and then (unless, of course, the relationship has been abusive) the children do the same for their parents when they get old?

Not if the children have their own children. Attention and care go down the generations more than up, that's the instinct that helped the species to survive and its the way most parents and grandparents want it to be, in my experience.

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

I agree with you on the first part, not on the second.

People on here seem incredibly quick to apply the 'narcissism' label to everybody except themselves, however, children don't automatically owe their parents anything.

Its not terribly healthy or practical to rely on just one person, or just your relatives for all your social needs anyway. My elderly grandparents have a thriving social life, they like us but they don't desperately need us for social contact, and that has to be better, doesn't it?

Your elderly grandparents have each other - you may find things change drastically when one of them dies.

Also, I think you've said that you come from a large family which spreads the load, I was an only child so I was all they had. Not everybody wants or can have a wide social life.

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

Not if the children have their own children. Attention and care go down the generations more than up, that's the instinct that helped the species to survive and its the way most parents and grandparents want it to be, in my experience.

I disagree.

It seems normal to me to care for your elderly parents, particularly as this tends to occur when your own children have grown up and become independent. Looking after your children when they're in their twenties and thirties (or, heaven forbid, their forties!)seems to be to be quite a recent development and actually quite unhealthy.

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

Your elderly grandparents have each other - you may find things change drastically when one of them dies.

Also, I think you've said that you come from a large family which spreads the load, I was an only child so I was all they had. Not everybody wants or can have a wide social life.

No, not a particularly large family.

My grandparents have had a few brushes with mortality in the last few years, this was one of the motivations for them widening their social circle actually.