Asking my needy mother for space

HPoirot

Looks like she has made you and your family the centre of her time and attention. Rightly or wrongly though, I do not know how much you can expect or encourage her to go out, find some interests and some friends. As for you "owing" her the time, I think she is saying that more out of being hurt than anything else.

Do heal the rift, maybe try to explain to her in gentler words that with a young family sometimes all you want to do is have some quiet time, and that what you said was not aimed at hurting her or being an ungrateful offspring. Again, I think some outside interests would lift her out of the boredom she seems to be undoubtedly experiencing.

Mojisola

Dunroamin wrote: »

I would've said that her mother could be well into her sixties (if not seventies) and not unrealistic about what contact she could expect from her children. Is it unrealistic to speak to a parent once a day if she needs that contact?

And that's too old to sort out her own life?

And not old enough to know that using emotional blackmail on people isn't going to endear you to them?

If the OP's mother was phoning up for a general "how are you all?" chat, I can't see anyone objecting to it.

If most calls are telling her how she isn't bringing up her children the right way, how she's neglecting her mother, etc, I wouldn't blame her for wanting to reduce the frequency of the calls. I know I would.

Dunroamin

fredtheguava wrote: »

Why would time be 'owed' to a parent?

Perhaps "their due" woud be a better way of putting it.

Mojisola

an9i77 wrote: »

My two brothers have moved away so I'm the one remaining child who lives nearby.

Dunroamin wrote: »

Perhaps "their due" woud be a better way of putting it.

I wonder if the two brothers are getting the same amount of attention from their mother.

OP - you could suggest that she phones each of you in turn so you'll only have a couple of calls a week and she'll be able to keep up with what all her children are doing.

poet123

Mojisola wrote: »

I wonder if the two brothers are getting the same amount of attention from their mother.

OP - you could suggest that she phones each of you in turn so you'll only have a couple of calls a week and she'll be able to keep up with what all her children are doing.

Or the same financial and practical help?

Mojisola

poet123 wrote: »

Or the same financial and practical help?

Either the mother's help was given because she wanted to do it or it was given on the understanding that it would be "repaid" in some way.

If she didn't make it clear that the gifts and help came with strings, she shouldn't be calling in the "debt" now.

fredtheguava

Dunroamin wrote: »

Perhaps "their due" woud be a better way of putting it.

I still don't understand - what is 'their due'? My parents chose to have me. I don't owe them anything for that decision, nor for raising me.

I choose to spend time with them because I enjoy it, not because it is an obligation or because that time is something I need to repay.

Dunroamin

fredtheguava wrote: »

I still don't understand - what is 'their due'? My parents chose to have me. I don't owe them anything for that decision, nor for raising me.

I choose to spend time with them because I enjoy it, not because it is an obligation or because that time is something I need to repay.

Sorry, only truculent teenagers are allowed to shout, "I didn't ask to be born!" at their parents.

poet123

Mojisola wrote: »

Either the mother's help was given because she wanted to do it or it was given on the understanding that it would be "repaid" in some way.

If she didn't make it clear that the gifts and help came with strings, she shouldn't be calling in the "debt" now.

Mmm, but if a friend was ill/in need and you were really good to her in a financial and practical way and then the same thing happened to you and she didn't respond similarly would you not feel a bit miffed? Is it a "debt" or is it reciprocal love and consideration?

I suppose it depends on how you look at it. My guess is that people generally "consider" their close relatives less in such situations than they would close friends for obvious reasons.

an9i77

Thanks for everyone's replies. I saw my mum today and she still is clearly hurt by what happened but we are trying to both move on now. She phoned my dad, I was with him at the time but she didn't know, and he put the phone on speaker. She is blaming it all on my hormones and being heavily pregnant! Anything rather than admit that her behaviour may be a factor.

I've come to the conclusion that she won't change so I'll try and meet her in the middle - tolerate the level of contact she wants and uninvited advice (she was at it again today about potty training!) and if it all gets too much again then rather than tell it to her straight I'll just make excuses as to why I'm so busy I can't see her, obviously the truth hurts so much that it's not really an option again.

I do feel sorry for my mum being lonely but when did this become my responsibility? She has a number of female friends in similar situation ie divorced or widowed. Someone said it was about not wanting to feel responsible for someone else's happiness - that struck a chord with me. I think neediness is all about making someone responsible for your happiness and one of life's lessons is that no one else- not partner, child or friend - can do this.

That said I will try and empathise with her situation a little more as it can't be nice being on your own all the time.