Asking my needy mother for space

Person_one

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Typical response from someone who doesn't have a mother from hell.

I haven't spoken to mine in 8 months and couldn't be happier.

Nobody's denying that some mothers are not very nice people, but come on, we had a thread the other day asking 'my MIL feeds the dog scraps, does that mean she's a narcissist?'

It does seem to be a term that's getting thrown around pretty freely at the moment.

Dunroamin

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Typical response from someone who doesn't have a mother from hell.

I haven't spoken to mine in 8 months and couldn't be happier.

Most people don't have "mothers from Hell" just as most people don't have children that are hellish. You seem to have missed the bit where I said that things would be different (whether talking about parents or children) when the relationship had been abusive.

Own_My_Own

Dunroamin wrote: »

Most people don't have "mothers from Hell" just as most people don't have children that are hellish. You seem to have missed the bit where I said that things would be different (whether talking about parents or children) when the relationship had been abusive.

Did I ? Was that in another post ? I don't remember reading that bit in the post I quoted.

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

So you do have your limits too, what exactly is 'owed' then?

Respect, consideration, being regarded as a member of the family rather than as an outsider who's trying to barge in where they're not wanted.

Haven't you read the number of people (even on this thread) who say things like "your own family must come first", as if your parents aren't just as much part of that family?

Dunroamin

Own_My_Own wrote: »

Did I ? Was that in another post ? I don't remember reading that bit in the post I quoted.

Sorry, I assumed you'd read the whole thread.

Post#25

"Isn't the normal thing that you give and take care of your children when they're young and then (unless, of course, the relationship has been abusive) the children do the same for their parents when they get old?"

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

Respect, consideration, being regarded as a member of the family rather than as an outsider who's trying to barge in where they're not wanted.

Haven't you read the number of people (even on this thread) who say things like "your own family must come first", as if your parents aren't just as much part of that family?

Well, they aren't part of the nuclear family, of the household anymore, are they? That's life, that's how things change as time moves on. Putting your offspring first doesn't mean you don't respect your parents, or consider them family, but they're extended family now and relationships have to evolve.

Own_My_Own

Dunroamin wrote: »

Respect, consideration, being regarded as a member of the family rather than as an outsider who's trying to barge in where they're not wanted.

Haven't you read the number of people (even on this thread) who say things like "your own family must come first", as if your parents aren't just as much part of that family?

Maybe if you had had your own family you would feel differently.

RAS

Dunroamin wrote: »

Sorry, I assumed you'd read the whole thread.

Post#25

"Isn't the normal thing that you give and take care of your children when they're young and then (unless, of course, the relationship has been abusive) the children do the same for their parents when they get old?"

Why should it be normal?

I totally understand that if you feel loved by your parents that in later years when they need help you may well want to take care of someone you also love.

But why should it be "normal"?

A lot of parents give and care for the children but not all of them love them or love them without expecting or demanding reciprocial (SP) care.

Mojisola

poet123 wrote: »

Mmm, but if a friend was ill/in need and you were really good to her in a financial and practical way and then the same thing happened to you and she didn't respond similarly would you not feel a bit miffed? Is it a "debt" or is it reciprocal love and consideration?

But this isn't reciprocal - this is "I'll pay for your new sofa and then you'll give me access to every part of your life whenever I want it and I won't tell you in advance that there are strings attached so that you can chose whether to accept my help."

I'm glad to say I grew up in a family where we did and still do help each other out. I've spent years looking after my parents and I've done it willingly because they offered help to me and others whenever it was needed but we all did it unconditionally.

They didn't help me and keep a running total of how much they were due back from me. I didn't help them with any expectation of getting something back from them. I certainly won't make my kids feel guilty if they aren't able to do as much for me.

If you use emotional blackmail to force people to do what you want, you're not going to be popular and any help will be very grudging. If everyone around you finds you difficult - look to yourself, they can't all be wrong about you!

poet123

Mojisola wrote: »

But this isn't reciprocal - this is "I'll pay for your new sofa and then you'll give me access to every part of your life whenever I want it and I won't tell you in advance that there are strings attached so that you can chose whether to accept my help."

I'm glad to say I grew up in a family where we did and still do help each other out. I've spent years looking after my parents and I've done it willingly because they offered help to me and others whenever it was needed but we all did it unconditionally.

They didn't help me and keep a running total of how much they were due back from me. I didn't help them with any expectation of getting something back from them. I certainly won't make my kids feel guilty if they aren't able to do as much for me.

If you use emotional blackmail to force people to do what you want, you're not going to be popular and any help will be very grudging. If everyone around you finds you difficult - look to yourself, they can't all be wrong about you!

I assumed it was said in the heat of the moment, and wasn't a regular occurrence. If it is a regular thing I am not sure why the OP would continue to accept help or money. The OP elaborated later so it would seem as if this is not an isolated incident.

I agree, emotional blackmail is not the way forward.