Asking my needy mother for space

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

It rather depends on how much being involved with a parent "infringes" on your life surely? My children were quite young when my father died and my mother was left alone after 50 years of marriage. She was bereft.

I had to balance my life, but it was my own personal time that suffered not family time. My kids weren't affected by the need for phone calls or visits, or the fact that for some years after that she holidayed with us, to them she was a bonus presence.

Despite her need she would never have allowed my kids to be sidelined or come second to her, so I don't really see the issue as a stark choice of parent or child.

In most families, I don't think it is because people are able to prioritise their nuclear family while still having a good relationship with the extended. This thread was started by someone whose parent was making excessive demands though, some do!

Mrs_pbradley936

I think this thread highlights the perils of not having outside interests in addition to children. There is even a name for it, "empty nest syndrome".

When your children are very young you do have to do everything because if you do not feed them they will starve and if you do not wash them they will stay dirty. As they grow up you have to draw a line between smothering them and neglecting them and we all draw that line in different places.

I just think that some women find it hard to realise that their grown up children do not need them anymore. They should console themselves by SKIING - Spending the Kids Inheritance. There is a board on here for them.

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

In most families, I don't think it is because people are able to prioritise their nuclear family while still having a good relationship with the extended. This thread was started by someone whose parent was making excessive demands though, some do!

My point was that to most posters on here mine would definitely have fallen into that category, and I had a young family, but satisfying her needs did not mean that they suffered or were not a priority.

poet123

Where has the op said her mothers actions meant that? She talks of phone calls, visits and unwanted opinion, nothing that means her kids needs would be affected.

dktreesea

Mrs_pbradley936 wrote: »

I think this thread highlights the perils of not having outside interests in addition to children. There is even a name for it, "empty nest syndrome".

When your children are very young you do have to do everything because if you do not feed them they will starve and if you do not wash them they will stay dirty. As they grow up you have to draw a line between smothering them and neglecting them and we all draw that line in different places.

I just think that some women find it hard to realise that their grown up children do not need them anymore. They should console themselves by SKIING - Spending the Kids Inheritance. There is a board on here for them.

I couldn't agree more about the SKIING. But as my mum said to me (she likes travelling but no longer has people she can go with) close friends die/become infirm/ move into a home miles away etc. What she laments is the dwindling pile of people she can enjoy spending the inheritance with.

And things/experiences can lose their allure over time, all the more so when you want company instead. She is now in her early 80s and says (she uses sticks to walk) sometimes walking along the street she feels like she is not there, the number of people who look straight through her.

OP, maybe that is a bit how your mum is feeling, no longer needed/wanted/noticed? It's a big fault in our society that we don't really have a role for elderly people. They just get shunted off somewhere, especially if they lose their partner, living alone in a house maybe a bit too big for them, hoping that someone will contact them out of love and interest in them, rather than from a sense of duty.

Mojisola

Dunroamin wrote: »

There may have been no expectation but might there not have been some resentment if you'd accepted lots of help from them and then didn't reciprocate? I think that, over time, that would be quite understandable.

But in the OP's case, she isn't refusing any contact, just doesn't want it every day and always at the time of her mother's choosing rather than what suits her and her family. Certainly while I was heavily pregnant my parents wouldn't have dreamt of demanding my company because they "needed company".

Dunroamin

Mojisola wrote: »

But in the OP's case, she isn't refusing any contact, just doesn't want it every day and always at the time of her mother's choosing rather than what suits her and her family. Certainly while I was heavily pregnant my parents wouldn't have dreamt of demanding my company because they "needed company".

I think we'll have to disagree on this, it doesn't seem to me to be unreasonable for someone to drop round for a coffee on a bank holiday when they've been on their own for the weekend. You can't really dictate to people when they're allowed to feel lonely.

Mojisola

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think we'll have to disagree on this, it doesn't seem to me to be unreasonable for someone to drop round for a coffee on a bank holiday when they've been on their own for the weekend. You can't really dictate to people when they're allowed to feel lonely.

And you can't dictate to other family members that they have to let you visit now because that's what you want.

If you're that lonely, get out of the house and do stuff!

securityguy

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think we'll have to disagree on this, it doesn't seem to me to be unreasonable for someone to drop round for a coffee on a bank holiday when they've been on their own for the weekend. You can't really dictate to people when they're allowed to feel lonely.

But phoning twice before 9am in order to demand it?

Dunroamin

securityguy wrote: »

But phoning twice before 9am in order to demand it?

If it were me, I'd've phoned on the previous evening to let my mother know I was back safely because she used to worry. It was pretty daft that she felt like that but it was just the way she was.