Asking my needy mother for space

an9i77

As the title says really.....my mum has always been quite needy and I've never had a particularly good relationship with her. My two brothers have moved away so I'm the one remaining child who lives nearby.
She has no partner as my dad left many years ago when I was very young, and she split up with her long term partner 8 years ago.
I am 36 years old with a family of my own, but feel like my mum wants to be 'over involved' in my life. She is constantly phoning (like every day) and wants to come over all the time. She also has an opinion on everything and is always trying to force her opinions and views on us particularly when it comes to our son, eg his potty training, meals etc.
Anyway I'd just got back from a weekend away with my other half, and the very next morning (bank holiday) by 9 am she'd phoned twice saying she wanted to come over as she needed company.
I said we needed some space and that she was getting overly emotionally dependent on us.

Cue World War Three - she then got very upset, said she was not going to help me anymore (she has offered some financial and practical assistance eg paid for a sofa, some child care, will come round and help with housework as I'm heavily pregnant) and basically cried down the phone to me and my brothers for a week saying I was cruel and heartless etc etc.

The latest is that she said she didn't know if she would leave me anything in her will as I clearly don't love her anymore..

I have tried to explain to her that I do love her and want her in my life but not quite to the extent that she has been. She won't listen to me but keeps insisting that because she has helped me so much (and it's true, she has been very helpful) then I owe it to her to spend time with her because she is lonely and has no partner.

Truth be told I find my mother very hard going, except in small doses, and the past week when she has no longer been phoning every day (she says she is 'too scared' to now) has been a relief. BUT I don't want to fall out with her big time, how do we find a happy medium. Or do I just accept that she cannot accept what I am telling her, so I just have to put up with her neediness and emotional immaturity if I want her in my life at all?

I asked her if I had the right to ask her for space and she said I did not because of all the help she had given me.

RAS

You need to read about narcissitic mothers; there are several threads.

I asked her if I had the right to ask her for space and she said I did not because of all the help she had given me.

And did she explain clearly to you the additional costs of accepting that help when she offered the goods?

Thought not......... You owe her nothing.

Tiglath

Do you and I have the same mother? Definitely search out the threads on narcissistic mothers - you're not alone.

BugglyB

Sorry you're having these problems with your mum it sounds very difficult

Have you sat down with her and talked about her loneliness? If you tell her it upsets you to see her alone will she put some strategies in place to meet new people and get friends and a social circle of her own?

In the meantime I would refuse all offers of financial help and make it clear that I didn't care what was in her will.

poet123

I can see both sides of this as my mother was quite similar and when I look back now (she has been dead 11 years) I do have regret about feelings I had then. I think that weekends and holidays are particularly hard, because if you have your own immediate family you want to spend time with them or just chilling and not have to be "responsible" for the happiness of someone else.

Equally, if you find yourself alone at those times and are not someone who likes their own company it must be very lonely. I used to ring my mother every morning and every evening at set times and there were days when I just didn't feel like it. I also saw a lot of her as well, and she did a lot for me and our kids but I did feel constrained and hemmed in at times and sometimes I did let it show.

Looking back now, and perhaps being a bit older and nearer to to the time when I could envisage perhaps being in her position; children all flown the nest and busy with their lives, death of a much loved husband, etc, I can see how easy it would be to feel the way she did. And I think I might have been more tolerant and kinder.

I know that doesn't really help, but I tried to help her put strategies in place to keep her occupied. She had my older kids over to stay some weekends she loved fussing over them and they loved being there, we would offer to collect her friends and take them round on Sunday afternoons, we suggested she volunteer at a charity shop and that widened her circle of friends. She was resistant at first as she would have preferred to be with us...but it did give us some space.

I don't like the narcissistic label, undoubtedly there are such mothers out there, but I think it is human nature to want to be with your family if you are lonely, and it must seem ungrateful if they accept your offers of help but then want to distance themselves from you. I can see it now, but I couldn't see it then.

It is something I am guarding against with my own kids though, but as I only have sons I don't think it will arise. It seems to be predominantly a mother daughter issue.

lika_86

For a personality disorder that affects only a very small percentage of the population, everyone here seems to allegedly have a narcissistic mother (or, alternatively, everyone is very keen and quick to apply that label!).

I'm not sure that your mum wanting to be in your life is a bad thing even if she is a bit opinionated (how many mums could resist offering their opinion re grandchildren?). Your mum sounds lonely to me. Does she have friends or hobbies? Maybe encourage her to develop interests.

I understand you need your space and to make your boundaries clear but try and see things from her point of view too.

McKneff

I wish I had a mother, narcissistic or otherwise, sigh.....

Mojisola

McKneff wrote: »

I wish I had a mother, narcissistic or otherwise, sigh.....

My Mum died last year and it's hard not to have her around but I'd rather have no-one than be under the pressure an9i77 is facing.

an9i77 wrote: »

She is constantly phoning (like every day) and wants to come over all the time.

She also has an opinion on everything and is always trying to force her opinions and views on us particularly when it comes to our son, eg his potty training, meals etc.

Cue World War Three - she then got very upset, said she was not going to help me anymore (she has offered some financial and practical assistance eg paid for a sofa, some child care, will come round and help with housework as I'm heavily pregnant) and basically cried down the phone to me and my brothers for a week saying I was cruel and heartless etc etc.

The latest is that she said she didn't know if she would leave me anything in her will as I clearly don't love her anymore..

Truth be told I find my mother very hard going, except in small doses, and the past week when she has no longer been phoning every day has been a relief.

BUT I don't want to fall out with her big time, how do we find a happy medium. Or do I just accept that she cannot accept what I am telling her, so I just have to put up with her neediness and emotional immaturity if I want her in my life at all?

If your mother has always been like this, then you can't realistically expect her to change now.

As you're only 36, your mother can't be very old - certainly young enough to be with her own friends and make her own life.

I don't think it's reasonable for her to be in your life to the extent she wants - particularly if she's criticising the things you do. You wouldn't accept that behaviour from anyone else, would you?

Do read the other threads - you will get some ideas on how to manage the situation.

Moggins_2

I don't really see what is so demanding about calling every day. I speak to my mum everyday, see her at least once a week,
more if she's free, and we always see each other the day either one of us gets back from a holiday so we can look at photos, give gifts etc. doesn't seem anything abnormal about that to me! Agree that your mums behaviour after you asked her to back off was out of order but she probably felt hurt

Dunroamin

Mojisola wrote: »

My Mum died last year and it's hard not to have her around but I'd rather have no-one than be under the pressure an9i77 is facing.



If your mother has always been like this, then you can't realistically expect her to change now.

As you're only 36, your mother can't be very old - certainly young enough to be with her own friends and make her own life.

I don't think it's reasonable for her to be in your life to the extent she wants - particularly if she's criticising the things you do. You wouldn't accept that behaviour from anyone else, would you?

Do read the other threads - you will get some ideas on how to manage the situation.

I would've said that her mother could be well into her sixties (if not seventies) and not unrealistic about what contact she could expect from her children. Is it unrealistic to speak to a parent once a day if she needs that contact?

I think that much of this "narcissitic mother" stuff is based on American psychobabble and used by people who just aren't prepared to give their parents the time they're owed.

fredtheguava

Dunroamin wrote: »

I think that much of this "narcissitic mother" stuff is based on American psychobabble and used by people who just aren't prepared to give their parents the time they're owed.

Why would time be 'owed' to a parent?