Asking my needy mother for space

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

I disagree.

It seems normal to me to care for your elderly parents, particularly as this tends to occur when your own children have grown up and become independent. Looking after your children when they're in their twenties and thirties (or, heaven forbid, their forties!)seems to be to be quite a recent development and actually quite unhealthy.

Aren't you an only child with no children? Do you think this might be affecting your perspective because your parents are essentially your only close blood relatives?

poet123

I am neither of those things, and essentially, my perspective is the same.

fredtheguava

Person_one wrote: »

Aren't you an only child with no children? Do you think this might be affecting your perspective because your parents are essentially your only close blood relatives?

I'm an only child with no children, and I'm a single adult so no partner either. My parents certainly don't expect me to look after them in old age - they only even jokingly say I'd best choose them a nice home to go into.

I choose to spend some time with them, but they take it as a sign that they did well that I'm independent and successful in my career. Under no circumstances would they expect me to drop any of that and come running because they needed care.

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

I am neither of those things, and essentially, my perspective is the same.

Would you expect your adult children to prioritise you ahead of their own children and grandchildren?

My grandmother has some substantial health issues, if my grandfather were to die first she would need a lot of care, almost round the clock. I brought up the possibility of me doing this, moving in potentially if it was needed (I don't have children or a partner and don't plan to) and she got quite upset, absolutely adamant that wasn't the life she wanted for me.

fredtheguava

lika_86 wrote: »

No, they chose to have a child, not you. Their parenting turned you into who you are. If you consider you turned out half decent then you owe them for that.

I'm grateful for that, up to a point. It depends where you sit on the nature/nurture divide. I don't necessarily think that means I should be on the phone to them every night or having them for dinner every week!

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

Would you expect your adult children to prioritise you ahead of their own children and grandchildren?

My grandmother has some substantial health issues, if my grandfather were to die first she would need a lot of care, almost round the clock. I brought up the possibility of me doing this, moving in potentially if it was needed (I don't have children or a partner and don't plan to) and she got quite upset, absolutely adamant that wasn't the life she wanted for me.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that, certainly not me.

And that is not what is being suggested as "too much" by the OP.

Isn't that a bit final at your age?;)

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

I don't think anyone is suggesting that, certainly not me.

And that is not what is being suggested as "too much" by the OP.

Isn't that a bit final at your age?;)

I think DR might be.

Its not 100%, but around 90% probably! Come back to me in 30 years and see if I was right.

heartbreak_star

I think my mum would probably throw things at me if I tried to look after her. She's 67 but fiercely independent, as was her mother before her whom we lost at the grand old age of 91!

HBS x

LannieDuck

an9i77 wrote: »

I've come to the conclusion that she won't change so I'll try and meet her in the middle - tolerate the level of contact she wants and uninvited advice (she was at it again today about potty training!) and if it all gets too much again then rather than tell it to her straight I'll just make excuses as to why I'm so busy I can't see her, obviously the truth hurts so much that it's not really an option again.

I think it's a really bad idea to give her her own way after her temper-tantrum. She'll only carry on doing it when you don't do what she wants.

You need to work out how much time would be ok. For example, would a phone call every other day be ok? And a visit twice a week? Try to have an adult conversation where you explain how much you love her, but you're really busy, and sometimes you need some 'down time'.

Then stick to your schedule. Give her lots of attention on the days you see her, so she can't pretend you don't love her, and have a good old natter on the phone every other day. But be strong about sticking to your schedule.

She needs to develop her own social life rather than relying on you. Perhaps she could look into the university of the third age, or join some volunteer organisations, or be more proactive with her other friends? Perhaps she could call your brothers on the days she doesn't call you?

Bennifred

Dunroamin wrote: »

Isn't the normal thing that you give and take care of your children when they're young and then (unless, of course, the relationship has been abusive) the children do the same for their parents when they get old?

Normal for parents to give and take care of their children, and lovely if those children want to do the same in return. However I don't think parents should assume that their children will want or be able to be their support (or assume that they will have a strong sense of "duty") - that would be like giving in order to receive.