Asking my needy mother for space

dktreesea

Dunroamin wrote: »

Isn't the normal thing that you give and take care of your children when they're young and then (unless, of course, the relationship has been abusive) the children do the same for their parents when they get old?

So, in the OP's case, where are her two brothers and their families, and why don't they make the effort to travel from wherever they are and spend a bit more time and effort on their mother?

an9i77

dktreesea wrote: »

So, in the OP's case, where are her two brothers and their families, and why don't they make the effort to travel from wherever they are and spend a bit more time and effort on their mother?

Good question. To be honest they find her very overbearing and their respective wives do not get on with her (one absolutely detests her which has been a big issue in the past). They both have small children and busy jobs so they only get to come and see her about once a year, maybe twice at a push. She will go and see them but in the case of the daughter in law who detests her she was asked not to go as often.

I do feel sorry for my mum as she's not the most popular of people but she brings a lot of this on herself, eg she adopts a 'grandmother knows best' approach which as a daughter is hard enough but for a daughter in law must be very frustrating and often oversteps the mark. She just can't resist putting her beak in, that in itself is not too bad, it's when people disagree with her advice that it gets nasty as she takes it all personally and just keeps going on and on about it, and can't take no for an answer.

DevilsAdvocate1

I am an only child and I do have children. My parents are elderly and within a couple of years will need to rely on me more and more. Just as my children start to rely on me less. I haven't always had a good relationship with my parents, but I do feel a responsibility to them.

I would not like my children to see me not helping my parents when they need it. I will also encourage my children to still call in on them where possible. I don't think it would set a very good example to my children to not offer my parents help if and when they need it.

D.

Bennifred

She sounds like the very model of how not to be a good mother-in-law! She certainly isn't doing herself any favours by being so insensitive and overbearing, is she?

Own_My_Own

Dunroamin wrote: »

I would've said that her mother could be well into her sixties (if not seventies) and not unrealistic about what contact she could expect from her children. Is it unrealistic to speak to a parent once a day if she needs that contact?

I think that much of this "narcissitic mother" stuff is based on American psychobabble and used by people who just aren't prepared to give their parents the time they're owed.

Typical response from someone who doesn't have a mother from hell.

I haven't spoken to mine in 8 months and couldn't be happier.

Edwardia

I think can see this from both sides.

On the one hand, a parent who has brought up children and loves them, will obviously want to be in touch and feel loved and cared for by their offspring. If the parent has lost a partner then there will be a vacuum to fill, too.

On the other hand, I can understand wanting to chill with your own family at the end of a day. It must be tough being heavily pregnant in this heat as well. However well meaning your mother's intentions to impart what she's learned about child-rearing, methods change, social mores change, it's a generational thing.

My mother was quite happy to park her mother in a nursing home, saying that because she worked part-time, she didn't have time to look after her with two teenagers. But now she's getting on in years and lost her husband relatively early on, she tries to make me promise not to put her in a home. I refuse to answer because I don't have a crystal ball.

To me it seems like your mother has too much time on her hands, for a start. Mine is involved in U3A, Womens' Institute, adult education classes, charity work etc. If you encouraged your mother to get involved in things, hopefully she'd have less time to bother you and would make friends.

Personally, I would tackle brothers (did this with my own) saying fair enough if your partner doesn't like our mother, but you have a duty to share the burden not just ignore her for 50 weeks of the year and leave it all to me. It doesn't take much time to call her once a week or see her every 3 months even if on your own without partner and kids.

I would make it clear to my mother that if she calls round every member of the family bad mouthing me, I would have nothing to do with her.

I wouldn't accept money from someone who then used it to emotionally blackmail me with. I encourage mine to go on holiday and buy herself stuff and really don't care whether she leaves me anything.

If she's behaving badly and trying to guilt trip you into spending time with her, then make it clear you'll always be her daughter and you love her but you are your own person and the more she ties to bully you the less time you will find for her.

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

Aren't you an only child with no children? Do you think this might be affecting your perspective because your parents are essentially your only close blood relatives?

My parents have been dead for some years.

Dunroamin

Person_one wrote: »

I think DR might be.

Its not 100%, but around 90% probably! Come back to me in 30 year:rotfl:s and see if I was right.

I certainly wasn't talking about dropping everything and moving in with elderly parents - do I seem that saintly to you?:A

**Patty**

Dunroamin wrote: »

I certainly wasn't talking about dropping everything and moving in with elderly parents - do I seem that saintly to you?:A

Can we plead the 5th amendment? :p

Person_one

Dunroamin wrote: »

I certainly wasn't talking about dropping everything and moving in with elderly parents - do I seem that saintly to you?:A

So you do have your limits too, what exactly is 'owed' then?