Angry,upset and hurt regarding partners words tonight

double_mummy

this is body shock some men do it when women get pregnant your body has changed in a relatively short period of time

its also a shock to you i went from a tiny size 10 when i met my OH to around a 26 with my first baby and have been sat at around a 20 since then it took me a while but my hubby always says my confidence is the sexiest thing

you also dont say how tall you are 15 stone on a very tall woman wouldnt actually look that large but on a little person (under 4 foot 10) they would look hugely overweight

peachyprice

Kayalana99 wrote: »

What happens in 30 years when shes 60-70 and old so he will just leave because she is not attractive anymore?! Lots of woman gain weight/change the way they look and same with men!! Its not about looks at all its about love for that person warts and all!!

He's not going to remain at 30 is he, duh. They'll both be 60-70.

an9i77

Sounds like your partner is not trying to hurt you but is being honest that he doesn't find you attractive any more. From his point of view, he can't help what he finds attractive or not. It would be a lot easier for him and you if he could!
Unfortunately the truth hurts but truth is better out than in as it will always out eventually...as it did, because you suspected what his true feelings were.
I think some people particularly men need to be attracted to their partner to love them physically. Personally I think if my partner put on lots of weight I could get over it particularly if it was for medical reasons but I think a lot of men struggle with this.

Incidentally I am going through similar with my weight put a lot on due to medical reasons and pregnancy, and paranoid my partner won't find me attractive anymore - truth be told I don't find me attractive anymore and maybe this comes across when we are being intimate. Could something similar be happening with yourself, so it's not how you actually look, but that the excess weight has dented your confidence and that has affected things between you?

74jax

Debt-Free-Wannabee wrote: »

I know things haven't been sweetness and light for a while with my partner and myself.We haven't been rowing but hes been distant with me.

Tonight we did have a row and I asked him if he still loved me because I get the feeling he dosent.

At first he said he wouldn't answer my question because it would upset me.I pressed him further and he said he dosent love the "physical" side of me anymore but he still loves me as a person.

I had my thyroid taken out 18 months ago,it was over active.I went down to 10 stone before it was taken out,once it went I ballooned to 15 stone.This is what Ive been for the past 6 months.
Im on medication and at the moment its a bit hit and miss.

I left the house and drove around for a few hours,now Im back and he is asleep.

I always thought if you love a person then you love the warts and all??

Im hurt,angry and upset right now,I think I just want to tell him to leave even though I do love him.
We,ve been together for 11 years.

Just not sure on what to do now,I guess at least he was truthful but it still hurts.:(

You've been rowing for a while and are at the point where you want him to leave. Is this totally down to what he said or this the final straw?

My OH is very honest with me regarding my weight, but only because I want him to be. He is so active it would be impossible to keep up with him and his fitness level, and to be honest I wouldn't want to. But I do go to the gym. However I had a tumour in my foot last year so couldn't go, broke my foot this year so couldn't go and so felt down about it. He wouldn't comment if I didn't ask him but if I did he'd say he prefers me slimmer - I do too, but when you can't walk exersize is slightly hard :rotfl:

I think I would be honest with him too, I'm not sure I'd fancy him overweight - yes that's a horrible to actually put in writing, but I'm trying to be as honest as I can be.

Your husband obviously knows what you have gone through, and he has said he still loves you, is he at the point where he thinks the relationship should end also? Do you still love him?

EDITTED TO ADD: Actually AN9i77 has said it MUCH better than me, so maybe ignore my message and I second her comments.

paulineb_2

Debt-Free-Wannabee wrote: »

I know things haven't been sweetness and light for a while with my partner and myself.We haven't been rowing but hes been distant with me.

Tonight we did have a row and I asked him if he still loved me because I get the feeling he dosent.

At first he said he wouldn't answer my question because it would upset me.I pressed him further and he said he dosent love the "physical" side of me anymore but he still loves me as a person.

I had my thyroid taken out 18 months ago,it was over active.I went down to 10 stone before it was taken out,once it went I ballooned to 15 stone.This is what Ive been for the past 6 months.
Im on medication and at the moment its a bit hit and miss.

I left the house and drove around for a few hours,now Im back and he is asleep.

I always thought if you love a person then you love the warts and all??

Im hurt,angry and upset right now,I think I just want to tell him to leave even though I do love him.
We,ve been together for 11 years.

Just not sure on what to do now,I guess at least he was truthful but it still hurts.:(

He was truthful and I bet it did hurt. I dont know what to say except look after yourself. My weight goes up and down, nothing to do with a medical problem really, but after a couple of injuries, I broke my arm then bruised my tailbone. After the arm break I put on weight, a lot of it. I would say about 4 stones and I didnt feel great about myself. Got to almost where I wanted to be and other events led me to putting on weight, Im now losing again. Im firmly of the view that you dont need to be super slim to be happy, but when you are too heavy for you, you know.

I think Id ask how you feel about having put on 5 stones in a short space of time? Also, if I had put on that weight and had a thyroid issue, Id be going back to my GP to find out whether my medication could be tweaked so that my weight might level out.

Im not sure if we do love people warts and all. Its a nice theory, but love and being attracted to someone can be separated. He might love you still, perhaps hes just trying to say he prefers you slimmer.
And yes things happen in life so that people put on weight, but if the roles were reversed and he put on 5 stones in a short space of time, you might be sitting thinking, Im not as attracted to him as I was. Wont mean you dont love him.

What have the arguments been about? Also, Id be very wary of asking someone to leave after an 11 year marriage due to one hurtful comment, you might regret it later.

victory

I can understand you being upset and hurt but not angry? You pushed him into answering (I bet he really didn't want to answer you, rather just leave things as they were) he did and now you are talking of leaving?

What are the other arguments that you have? Do you usually get along? Is it all weight related? Or medically related?

I am not saying this is what has happened but apart from the weight gain have you changed in character, has your personality changed, do you go out less for eg, laugh less, are you unhappy in yourself, have you lost confidence and self esteem?

It all adds up to concerns within the relationship and from your OH point of view not just about the weight gain.

aileth

Awkward situation to be honest. I'd be very upset if my husband said some hurtful comments about my weight, but then again if I didn't see myself as attractive due to weight gain, I don't think I could expect him to.

My hubby is very tip-toey around the subject as I put a few stone on since we got married and very careful with his words, but honestly I'd love a bit of bluntness from him as it might just be the motivation I needed to shift it.

However, if it was a medical condition causing my weight gain and he made the comment, I would be incredibly upset as it's something totally out of my control (not like I've been a little piggy) and would probably ask him how he felt if he put on weight in circumstances beyond his control and I told him I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I bet he wouldn't feel too happy, eh?

You shouldn't have pushed him really though. I find that when you push people to answer, you end up hearing things you really don't want to.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Ordinarily, I'd say he was being unfair - but it's not a couple of pounds - it's 50% of your body weight on top again. Plus, the difference between the behaviour/energy levels of somebody with hyperthyroidism compared to one with hypothyroidism tends to be noticeable.

Even knowing that it wasn't deliberate can't change the fact that, in some ways, you're going to be a lot different to how you were just a short time ago.


I agree with the idea of going back to the GP/hospital to see whether the meds can be adjusted, maybe a referral to a dietician, maybe and exercise referral. Not to make him happy, but because there could be changes there that make you feel better and healthier.




(although I would point out that yes, your metabolism has changed - but you still have to have eaten surplus to your energy requirements to put on that amount of weight in such a short period of time - maybe you haven't ever had to think about it before now, but that isn't the case anymore)

pukkamum

I was 16 stones at my heaviest, I moaned about it, cried about it etc.
Dh would always comfort me, tell me I was still beautiful, he still desired me etc.
Then one day after me being upset, yet again, because I didn't want to go out due to not feeling I looked good, he snapped.
He sat me down and said yes you are overweight, no it doesn't suit you, if you are that depressed do something about it.
It was exactly what I needed, yes I was upset but it spurred me on and I lost 6 stone.
Dh always says that he still fancied me but our sex life had suffered as he hated how I tried to hide myself from him and he knew that whilst we were having sex I was thinking about how big my belly was.
He's being truthful, which in my book is a sign of just how much he loves you.
I'm not sure I would find dh physically attractive if he suddenly gained 5 stone, but I would still love him.
Thank him for his honesty and talk to him about how he can support you in losing the weight.

tinkerbell28

I'm also of the school of thought, love is no picnic and isn't a conquer all things solution.

I love my husband, but I can't honestly say, I'd find him attractive if he gained half his bodyweight in a short space of time, doesn't mean I'd stop loving him.

Yes we are starting to look different to what we did a decade ago in our early 20's but it is happening gradually, together, as some one said this is different to "ageing".

5st is a very big change so I don't think he is bad for feeling how he does, or for being honest when pushed.

I too, if I were gaining a lot, I would be at the drs demanding answers and help. Are you happy with the gain, not fussed or does it upset you?

Rather than make rash decisions, maybe this could be the kick start for you both to work together? He could come to the drs with you.