Angry,upset and hurt regarding partners words tonight

Blackpool_Saver

Sorry haven't read all the posts as in a hurry.....did he attempt to contact you after you left the house? and the fact that he was asleep when you got back would tell me all I needed to know

Gigglepig

I agree partners should be there for each other through sickness and poor health, but it does not sound like OP's partner has withdrawn his support, he just admitted to fancying her less physically, when cornered to say so?

Sickness is one thing, but it isn't very nice to oneself or one's partner "to let oneself go" either surely - and not fight back as well as one can? Especially if it has health implications like obesity does.

BugglyB

You are right Person_one, in some respects. There is no way I would ever, ever tell my partner that I didn't find them physically attractive, even if I didn't. I would gently encourage them towards healthy eating and exercise and so on, especially if it was a medical issue.

In terms of this:

If he felt that you weren't taking care of yourself and your health, or that your relationship was suffering, then he should have initiated a sensitive conversation with you about it, not subtly let you know through his actions forcing you to bring it up.

Really, I find the idea pretty offensive that a woman has some sort of duty to remain looking her best all her life, even when her body's making it really difficult, and that if she doesn't its ok for her male partner to upset her and withdraw his support because of it.

I'm not sure anyone is saying that its ok for her partner to upset her or withdraw her support. What people are saying is: she did ask, and he did tell her.

Not everyone has fantastic communication skills, or finds it easy to express what they mean without being hurtful. I could understand him being hurt and upset too - I don't think you can encourage your partner to be 'totally honest' with you and then be upset when they are.

Also I think we all - male and female - have some kind of duty to be and look healthy for our partners and for ourselves.

Person_one

She did ask, but she says she asked because she felt like he didn't love her anymore. Note that she didn't say 'fancy me anymore' she said love.

It bothered me that so many of the replies focused on the OP's actions and how she can change, rather than on the partner's.

FBaby

If he felt that you weren't taking care of yourself and your health, or that your relationship was suffering, then he should have initiated a sensitive conversation with you about it, not subtly let you know through his actions forcing you to bring it up.

Maybe he did. We have no idea at this stage what prompted the weight gain, what conversations might already have taken place or whether his concerns are mainly to do with her looks or her health.

Really, I find the idea pretty offensive that a woman has some sort of duty to remain looking her best all her life, even when her body's making it really difficult, and that if she doesn't its ok for her male partner to upset her and withdraw his support because of it.

But we don't know that this is what happened. I personally don't think it is so bad to consider this a duty, not for anyone else but oneself, and not as much for the way one looks, but for health reasons. But even considering the physical appearance only, is it such a crime to aspire to remain healthy looking? It very much depends on individual values. For me and my partner, it is important.

pukkamum

I think certainly in my case, how you look affects your personality, your mood and your actions.
I when overweight became someone dh didn't recognise, I was moody, depressed, I had no confidence and didn't want to leave the house.
This wasn't the person he fell in love with, it wasn't about the physical attraction it was about emotional attraction, he just wasn't as attracted to the person I had become because of the weight.
I am pretty sure that if the weight didn't bother me and I was still the strong, confident, sexual person I was previously he would never have mentioned it.

Person one I do think we all have a duty to look after ourselves and be happy with the person we are if we want our partners to feel the same.
Dh went through a scruffy phase, started wearing joggers every day, grew a big beard and didn't have his hair cut.
I didn't find it in the slightest bit attractive and told him, he was a bit hurt but what's better, me not saying anything and not finding him attractive or a moments hurt and our physical relationship back on track.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

But we don't know that this is what happened. I personally don't think it is so bad to consider this a duty, not for anyone else but oneself, and not as much for the way one looks, but for health reasons. But even considering the physical appearance only, is it such a crime to aspire to remain healthy looking? It very much depends on individual values. For me and my partner, it is important.

Genuine question here, what if it became impossible? What if your health or your partner's health led to you looking like a completely different person and not healthy at all and it was completely beyond your control? Would it still be important or would you each expect the other to put aesthetics aside and still love you just as much as they did when you were attractive?

Acc72

Gigglepig wrote: »

it does not sound like OP's partner has withdrawn his support, he just admitted to fancying her less physically, when cornered to say so?

I agree with the above.

The husband didn't pro-actively come out with this comment, it was almost forced out of him by the OP during an argument.

Surely the OP already knew - or at least had idea - of the cause of the problem.

It is a bit like the question "does my bum look big in this?" - firstly, in most cases the person is asking the question because they themselves think that their bum looks big, but then what answer does the person want / expect ?

Surely having asked the question they then can't get upset with the answer "yes".

We are talking about a weight gain of 50% of the OP's body weight, not just a couple of pounds.

Also, as somebody else has said that kind of weight gain will also have affected the OP which would also have had an impact on the issue.

System

Theres a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

The lust very often flies out of the window after so long and is replaced with something deeper and more meaningful..... Well that's what I think anyway but only ever having two long term relationships (marriages) my view might be slightly blinkered.

red_devil

Debt-Free-Wannabee wrote: »

I know things haven't been sweetness and light for a while with my partner and myself.We haven't been rowing but hes been distant with me.

Tonight we did have a row and I asked him if he still loved me because I get the feeling he dosent.

At first he said he wouldn't answer my question because it would upset me.I pressed him further and he said he dosent love the "physical" side of me anymore but he still loves me as a person.

I had my thyroid taken out 18 months ago,it was over active.I went down to 10 stone before it was taken out,once it went I ballooned to 15 stone.This is what Ive been for the past 6 months.
Im on medication and at the moment its a bit hit and miss.

I left the house and drove around for a few hours,now Im back and he is asleep.

I always thought if you love a person then you love the warts and all??

Im hurt,angry and upset right now,I think I just want to tell him to leave even though I do love him.
We,ve been together for 11 years.

Just not sure on what to do now,I guess at least he was truthful but it still hurts.:(

just say to him wonder what i think of you?