Angry,upset and hurt regarding partners words tonight

Debt-Free-Wannabee

I know things haven't been sweetness and light for a while with my partner and myself.We haven't been rowing but hes been distant with me.

Tonight we did have a row and I asked him if he still loved me because I get the feeling he dosent.

At first he said he wouldn't answer my question because it would upset me.I pressed him further and he said he dosent love the "physical" side of me anymore but he still loves me as a person.

I had my thyroid taken out 18 months ago,it was over active.I went down to 10 stone before it was taken out,once it went I ballooned to 15 stone.This is what Ive been for the past 6 months.
Im on medication and at the moment its a bit hit and miss.

I left the house and drove around for a few hours,now Im back and he is asleep.

I always thought if you love a person then you love the warts and all??

Im hurt,angry and upset right now,I think I just want to tell him to leave even though I do love him.
We,ve been together for 11 years.

Just not sure on what to do now,I guess at least he was truthful but it still hurts.:(

MidLifeCrisis_3

Didn't want to read and run. Hope you are feeling better and calmer today. The only thing I can think to suggest would be to talk this through together calmly and maybe go see your doctor (preferably together) about the medication and hopefully you can work through this. Good luck :grouphug:

Hopelass

Hugs dfwb I haven't any practical advice but didn't want to read and run. I'm not surprised you are hurt. Hopefully someone will be along soon to offer you some constructive advice xx

lika_86

It sounds to me like you asked your partner if he still loved you because you were seeking reassurance and he chose to tell you the truth (even after his warning you pressed him for an answer). It sounds from your post that he was simply trying to tell you how he feel, it doesn't particularly come across that he was deliberately trying to hurt you with what he said.

Would you rather he'd lied? You say there's been a bit of distance for a while so that there should be something there shouldn't be too unexpected.

I think most people if asked would say that they are with their partner for two main reasons (yes, there will be others but if you really stripped it down to the essentials):

1. Because they love their partner as a person
2. Because they find something about their partner physically attractive

If 2. wasn't there then I assume that most couples would be friends and nothing more. I'm not saying you have to be supermodel attractive but there's something there, whether conventional or not. I personally believe both are needed in a relationship to make it work.

It sounds like the second part is becoming an issue for your partner and with a relatively big change in your physical appearance in a relatively short amount of time, I'm not sure this is necessarily unexpected.

I think you need to ask yourself whether the change really truly is a result of the medication only, in which case you need to be actively trying to sort this out as a priority with your GP. Additionally, really consider whether any of this is a result of small changes in your lifestyle which without you noticing have just added up (ie. changing something temporarily in the operation recovery period and then falling into the habit of being less active or eating more/worse things).

The question is whether you'd rather be upset at your partner for his feelings or whether you'd rather do something about it. If the latter, definitely rope him into any changes in lifestyle you make, ie. going for a walk on a Sunday afternoon instead of watching a film.

BugglyB

I feel really sad for you, how awful to have been through what you have medically and now this.

Of course you are hurt and upset. I don't know if really you can be angry with your partner because in your own words you pressured him to tell you how he feels, and now he has. I expect you said things to him like 'I just want you to be honest'? Maybe he took that literally and thought you didnt want him to lie or sugarcoat things for you.

I don't really know where you can go from here, as another poster said maybe go back to the doctors? Whats for sure is that your weight is a symptom of your medical issues and not a reflection of your value as a person.

With love x

Kayalana99

lika_86 wrote: »

It sounds to me like you asked your partner if he still loved you because you were seeking reassurance and he chose to tell you the truth (even after his warning you pressed him for an answer). It sounds from your post that he was simply trying to tell you how he feel, it doesn't particularly come across that he was deliberately trying to hurt you with what he said.

Would you rather he'd lied? You say there's been a bit of distance for a while so that there should be something there shouldn't be too unexpected.

I think most people if asked would say that they are with their partner for two main reasons (yes, there will be others but if you really stripped it down to the essentials):

1. Because they love their partner as a person
2. Because they find something about their partner physically attractive

If 2. wasn't there then I assume that most couples would be friends and nothing more. I'm not saying you have to be supermodel attractive but there's something there, whether conventional or not. I personally believe both are needed in a relationship to make it work.

It sounds like the second part is becoming an issue for your partner and with a relatively big change in your physical appearance in a relatively short amount of time, I'm not sure this is necessarily unexpected.

I think you need to ask yourself whether the change really truly is a result of the medication only, in which case you need to be actively trying to sort this out as a priority with your GP. Additionally, really consider whether any of this is a result of small changes in your lifestyle which without you noticing have just added up (ie. changing something temporarily in the operation recovery period and then falling into the habit of being less active or eating more/worse things).

The question is whether you'd rather be upset at your partner for his feelings or whether you'd rather do something about it. If the latter, definitely rope him into any changes in lifestyle you make, ie. going for a walk on a Sunday afternoon instead of watching a film.

I disagree with all of this, its like the saying that when you first get with someone its all lust and excitement and what your left with is trust and foundation.

What happens in 30 years when shes 60-70 and old so he will just leave because she is not attractive anymore?! Lots of woman gain weight/change the way they look and same with men!! Its not about looks at all its about love for that person warts and all!!

Kayalana99

Debt-Free-Wannabee wrote: »

I always thought if you love a person then you love the warts and all??

Im hurt,angry and upset right now,I think I just want to tell him to leave even though I do love him.
We,ve been together for 11 years.

Just not sure on what to do now,I guess at least he was truthful but it still hurts.:(

Sorry to hear what happened hun, you have to follow your heart I guess, this guy doesn't sound like a decent one at all but only you can decide. My Ex turned around to me one day and said 'You don't disgust me, but I'm not attracted to you' ...we broke up and next week he is begging for me back but we did this alot break up get back together....but those words never left my head even now and I never really got over it despite all the arguments we had thats always whats stuck.

Maybe taking some time apart for yourself might be a good option? x

lika_86

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I disagree with all of this, its like the saying that when you first get with someone its all lust and excitement and what your left with is trust and foundation.

What happens in 30 years when shes 60-70 and old so he will just leave because she is not attractive anymore?! Lots of woman gain weight/change the way they look and same with men!! Its not about looks at all its about love for that person warts and all!!

It's different to ageing though, where both partners go through the same changes together and over time, both partners can possibly be expected to gain some weight. However, we're not talking about weight creeping up as time goes by, we're talking about someone who in a year has gone from 10 stone to 15 stone, a fairly big change by anybody's standards. I'm not saying that diminishes the love that someone has for a person but would there still necessarily be the same attraction? Probably not. It's not just about women, if the OP was male my opinion would be the same.

FBaby

I totally agree with Lika For some people, physical attraction is not important to feel contented in their relationship, for others it is, and for some of these, weight gain can be an issue. There is no right or wrong. It is the case for me and my partner. That doesn't mean that either of us would stop loving each other, but it would have an impact with how we feel about each other.

I also agree with Lika that OP pushed her partner for the truth, so can't be cross with him for being honest. I can totally understand though how upsetting it must be though if the weight gain is directly due to the thyroid issue and not her fault at all. I think what would upset me in this case is if my partner's behaviour was accusatory rather than supportive, especially if the weight gain was out of my control.

I have asked my partner how he would feel if I suddenly put on a lot of weight. He said that he would still love me but would encourage me to lose it. He is very health conscious and for him, it is not just about attractiveness but about a healthy lifestyle, so he would suggest ways to get back to healthier eating. If it was a medical problem, he would encourage me to discuss it with my GP and see what could be done to help, but I do trust he would be supportive rather than making feel rubbish about it.

Maybe that is the issue here. It is one thing to be honest, another to make it sound like it is her problem and one for her to solve alone.

Kayalana99

lika_86 wrote: »

It's different to ageing though, where both partners go through the same changes together and over time, both partners can possibly be expected to gain some weight. However, we're not talking about weight creeping up as time goes by, we're talking about someone who in a year has gone from 10 stone to 15 stone, a fairly big change by anybody's standards. I'm not saying that diminishes the love that someone has for a person but would there still necessarily be the same attraction? Probably not. It's not just about women, if the OP was male my opinion would be the same.

And her partner should support her after 11 years and your commenting about a medical problem you know nothing about, she lost weight because it was over active then gained weight after because it wasn't their anymore. (Who knows what natural weight she was when they met not that it should make a differnce!!) Its been a big change on her body going through this and for her partner, the one person who is supposed to love and support her, to basicly tell her hes not attracted to her anymore just because of some curves is horrible.

FBaby

Kayalana99 wrote: »

And her partner should support her after 11 years and your commenting about a medical problem you know nothing about, she lost weight because it was over active then gained weight after because it wasn't their anymore. (Who knows what natural weight she was when they met not that it should make a differnce!!) Its been a big change on her body going through this and for her partner, the one person who is supposed to love and support her, to basicly tell her hes not attracted to her anymore just because of some curves is horrible.

Indeed, but he also has a right to find her less attractive as a result. It's not the end of the world he did say he still loved her. In the end, he probably would have been happy to say nothing and get on with things but SHE pushed him. Yes, the truth hurts, but that doesn't make him a bad person for the way he feels. I understand the hurt and upset, but not the anger. They are facing an issue in their relationship and they need to work through it together. Talking about leaving seems out of proportion at this stage.