Angry,upset and hurt regarding partners words tonight

Pee

I have a friend who is probably usually a size 6/8, lovely girl, life and soul of the party and a complete clothes horse and shoe lover normally.

She has Crohn's disease and had chemo and steroids and at one point she was probably a size 14 with the most boring clothes and hair cut you could imagine, much more suited to me!

At the time she was too worried about her health to really worry about it, and now she is better she looks like a complete fox again, long straightened very blonde hair, great clothes and shoes.

(Technically she isn't completely better, it just comes in phases, I think, but this is a long good phase.)

I love her however she looks and whether she is happy or unhappy because she's my friend. (Obviously I don't live with her, which might make everything different.) I might encourage her to get nicer clothes in a bigger size again if she was feeling up to it.

Brighton_belle

Person_one wrote: »

Everybody's body is different pukkamum, knowing one person with a condition doesn't really mean anything. For a lot of people it takes years and several dosage changes to get any equilibrium back.

^^^this. It can take a long time to get thyroid meds right.

People saying that only a few rare cases of illness means weight gain is unavoidable just have no clue.
It seems of the relentlessness of long term ill health. When you've lost your job, the ability to do anything fulfilling/hobbies, your in semi constant pain and then meds mean you have to eat half the amount of food you normally would it is beyond tough - when not eating enough leaves you with weakness and headaches, but if you eat to avoid these, you put weight on: you only need to put on 1lb a week for 3 years for be 3st heavier.
Long term ill health can totally knock you for 6. And putting on excessive weight on top of that is horrendous and soul destroying. If only it was easy to avoid as some think.

[Deleted User]

I suspect that the OP is not actually five stone overweight.

The overactive thyroid problem was probably keeping her weight unnaturally low. The OP did say she was five foot ten inches tall and being as tall as this and weighing only ten stone seems a little on the light side. So it might be the case that she is five stone heavier, but only two and a half to three stone overweight.

Also, having an underactive thyroid does mean that the weight can go on very quickly. If I am careless with what I eat over a weekend and don't exercise either for the two days I can easily put on five pounds over the two days and that is without eating a vast amount.

itsanne

Debt-Free-Wannabee wrote: »

I feel I cant go on with him anymore,not just because of the words he said but also about how we,ve been together for a good while

There has already been plenty said about the original comments, but I wonder if a different perspective is worth considering.

My mother began thyroxin for an under-active thyroid many years ago. Before starting treatment her behaviour was quite different to how she normally is and she was quite "difficult".

OP, you've gone from an over-active thyroid to requiring medication after its removal, so your thyroxin levels will have varied considerably and will have been affecting you even before you realised there was a problem. That might have caused some of the difficulty you have alluded to in your relationship. It might also be that things seem particularly bad because your thyroid problem is not yet stabilised. This might not be the best time to make major decisions. (I'm bearing in mind that your partner also told you he loves you.)

Obviously only you know whether there's any point in persevering, or even if you want to.

Wishing you well.

meritaten

right - he loves you - the you you were. I would guess that since gaining this much weight you have also changed personalities? he is still there so perhaps you need to sit down with him and discuss how you can get back to where you were?
I mean by losing some weight - not all of it as I would say you were well underweight. and perhaps you have lost some 'zest for life'?
He sounds a nice guy and I can understand you are upset - but, perhaps he feels you are not the person he 'fell in love with'? you need to talk hun - and with your OH put together a plan for regaining the old you - only better?

FBaby

People saying that only a few rare cases of illness means weight gain is unavoidable just have no clue.

No-one commented that it wasn't medically possible to put on a lot of weight, people commented on not being able to lose it. It might even harder if the gain is medically related, but not impossible in most cases. This is what specialist medical nutritionists focus on, helping those who have gained weight through illnesses and need to return to a healthy weight. Losing weight is never easy, but neither is living with the extra weight when it makes you hate yourself. What we don't know is how that weight is affecting OP, just her partner.

pukkamum

itsanne wrote: »

There has already been plenty said about the original comments, but I wonder if a different perspective is worth considering.

My mother began thyroxin for an under-active thyroid many years ago. Before starting treatment her behaviour was quite different to how she normally is and she was quite "difficult".

OP, you've gone from an over-active thyroid to requiring medication after its removal, so your thyroxin levels will have varied considerably and will have been affecting you even before you realised there was a problem. That might have caused some of the difficulty you have alluded to in your relationship. It might also be that things seem particularly bad because your thyroid problem is not yet stabilised. This might not be the best time to make major decisions. (I'm bearing in mind that your partner also told you he loves you.)

Obviously only you know whether there's any point in persevering, or even if you want to.

Wishing you well.

I agree about the personality change due to the thyroid problems, I have known 3 people who suffered from thyroid problems, and each of them had major personality changes before they were stabilised.
My friends husband becomes irritable, snappy, moody and depressed, totally not like him. She can tell straight away when he is over or under.
Also wierdly all 3 became promiscuous, something very very unusual for all 3.
My friends husband nearly lost his wife and kids through having an affair, very out of character for him.
My bil's mum actually lost her husband as she went undiagnosed for years and had countless one night stands, affairs etc, it wasn't diagnosed til she was being assessed for mental illness.
My other friend was a young, devoted wife and mother who was suddenly going out on the town every weekend picking up men!

Op please don't leave your husband until your treatment has you fully stabilised as I worry you may make out of character decisions.
Maybe a week away for one of you may help put things in perspective.

globetraveller

The conversation itself might have been a little hard to hear but he did tell the truth and also said he still loved you. I don't think that is enough to make you decide you want to leave him. So obviously its just the final straw for you.
Before you take drastic action- do you think you have been depressed? If you have been like that for a while, it can also affect OH. I know this- I've lived through it. We became distant physically and emotionally( although we were fine on the surface day to day). I had been ill for so long and have to say that that was what I was concentrating on- my illness and trying to be able to work. I appreciated OH being there and helping and supporting but it was a bit one sided. I was just so depressed with being ill all the time. I didn't think that OH needed reassurances from me or really any sort of quality time. I was selfish without realising it. One day it all became too much for him and he sat me down and told me how he was feeling.I couldn't disagree with what he said. He was feeling depressed with things as well.He had kept it bottled up for so long as he didn't want to upset me. Does this ring any bells for you?

coolcait

Person_one wrote: »

Its the first one that we're talking about here though, she's had her thyroid removed!

I know a number of people who've had their thyroid removed or zapped.

None of them have put on that amount of weight, in that space of time.

They did all put on weight - to a lesser extent - during the time that they had an undiagnosed underactive thyroid.

However, going back to the main point of the thread. The OH's partner told her that he loved her. So, he is sticking to the part about 'loving' a partner no matter what happens.

He has also stuck to the part about 'always being honest with each other'. And has found out the hard way that although people expect honesty, they don't always like it.

Is the subtext to this thread an idea that 'you should always fancy/desire/lust after your partner, no matter what happens'?

If so, I can't say that I agree.

Seanymph

Why is it acceptable for him to say that even if she HAD gained weight? I am honest with my OH, but I would avoid being hurtful at all costs. And I'd hope he'd do the same to me (ok, he's a fella sometimes he gets that wrong).

We have both gained weight - I worry about his girth and he worries about my salt intake - but we don't withdraw love because of it, we jointly try to encourage each other to exercise, or menu plan healthily or whatever. (Unsuccessfully mostly!).

But true or not I would temper such a response, and I'd hope he would to.

The weight gain surely is not the issue here - it wouldn't be for me anyway, whether it's the OP's 'fault' for overeating or 'fault' for getting depressed with an ongoing health issue or whatever - surely the issue is that her OH could do a lot to be supportive by way of encouraging exercise, gym membership, cooking appropriately, complimenting, a new outfit, a joint goal, good grief, if you get chased around the bedroom you are more likely to lose weight not put it on!

Anyway, to my mind he should have dealt with his feelings more tactfully and with the person he claims to 'love' much more thoughtfully and supportively.