Angry,upset and hurt regarding partners words tonight

FBaby

Why is it acceptable for him to say that even if she HAD gained weight? I am honest with my OH, but I would avoid being hurtful at all costs. And I'd hope he'd do the same to me (ok, he's a fella sometimes he gets that wrong).

I find this quite surprising. Do you both have so little faith in each other's ability to cope with difficult truths that you would rather not tell. Surely both of you have faced difficult times in your lives where you had to break bad news knowing that it would the other's feeling?

We all do things differently and what matter is that both people are on the save wavelength, so that works for you if are both agreeing. I personally would find it a complete insult if my OH felt he needed to keep truths away from me about matters that afflicted him one way or the other, just because he didn't think I could cope with it. I don't want a OH who thinks I am weak and need protecting.

but we don't withdraw love because of it

Neither has OP's OH. He made it clear to her that he still loved her.

surely the issue is that her OH could do a lot to be supportive by way of encouraging exercise, gym membership, cooking appropriately, complimenting, a new outfit, a joint goal, good grief, if you get chased around the bedroom you are more likely to lose weight not put it on!

How do you know that he hasn't done that?Maybe he has tried and OP has told him to stop nagging her all the time about it. We don't know.

Anyway, to my mind he should have dealt with his feelings more tactfully

He tried to keep it away from her but was pushed. He assumed she could cope with the truth, but on this occasion wasn't at the time (but maybe OP is already considering the situation differently now).

lostinrates

coolcait wrote: »

I know a number of people who've had their thyroid removed or zapped.

None of them have put on that amount of weight, in that space of time.

They did all put on weight - to a lesser extent - during the time that they had an undiagnosed underactive thyroid.

However, going back to the main point of the thread. The OH's partner told her that he loved her. So, he is sticking to the part about 'loving' a partner no matter what happens.

He has also stuck to the part about 'always being honest with each other'. And has found out the hard way that although people expect honesty, they don't always like it.

Is the subtext to this thread an idea that 'you should always fancy/desire/lust after your partner, no matter what happens'?

If so, I can't say that I agree.

Op was under active before thyroid out, so may have been 'under' her 'normal' stasis weight all things being in kilter. That might have be set against the weight gained.

Op, I agree with those cautioning against making big life decisions ATM. Talk to your partner, but if your meds aren't right you could be feeling low and vulnerable and sensitive along with a host of other things. I'd also check with GP, I'm sure your levels are being checked routinely but if you are struggling to lose weight now they aren't right.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Neither has OP's OH. He made it clear to her that he still loved her.

Sorry, but no he hasn't.

He said he still loves her when he was asked, but the reason she asked was because she feels like he doesn't. That's not 'clear' to me.

coolcait

Person_one wrote: »

Sorry, but no he hasn't.

He said he still loves her when he was asked, but the reason she asked was because she feels like he doesn't. That's not 'clear' to me.

That does seem very close to being a no-win situation for him.

The OP felt that her partner doesn't love her.

She asked him outright, and he told her that he does love her.

What else can he do?

The OP posted about her discontent almost immediately after they'd had that 'talk', so her partner hasn't had the time to work on 'making the OP feel loved' - to coin a phrase.

However, as the thread has developed, it does appear that the OP's issues with her partner go far deeper than that one discussion.

Hermia

Seanymph wrote: »

Anyway, to my mind he should have dealt with his feelings more tactfully and with the person he claims to 'love' much more thoughtfully and supportively.

True, but she did put him on the spot. Not everyone can say the 'right' thing under pressure. I know I can't. I know when someone has done this to me I've either put my foot in it or my face has betrayed my real feelings.

neverdespairgirl

BugglyB wrote: »

I don't really know where you can go from here, as another poster said maybe go back to the doctors? Whats for sure is that your weight is a symptom of your medical issues and not a reflection of your value as a person.

A person's weight is never a reflection of his or her value as a person.

neverdespairgirl

Judi wrote: »

Theres a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

The lust very often flies out of the window after so long and is replaced with something deeper and more meaningful..... Well that's what I think anyway but only ever having two long term relationships (marriages) my view might be slightly blinkered.

I've only ever had one long-term relationship (15 years and counting - I'm now 35, OH is a year younger).

Lust is very important in our relationship - it is added to and made even more joyous by a very deep and meaningful connection, but the latter hasn't replaced the former, only added to it.

NinjaSavingKat

meritaten wrote: »

right - he loves you - the you you were. I would guess that since gaining this much weight you have also changed personalities? he is still there so perhaps you need to sit down with him and discuss how you can get back to where you were?
I mean by losing some weight - not all of it as I would say you were well underweight. and perhaps you have lost some 'zest for life'?
He sounds a nice guy and I can understand you are upset - but, perhaps he feels you are not the person he 'fell in love with'? you need to talk hun - and with your OH put together a plan for regaining the old you - only better?

I agree with this word for word. If he had said he hates the person you have become - knowing full well that it could be down to the meds you are on - then there might be a reason to turf him out.

Your physical self is something you CAN change. But perhaps you suggest that you join a gym together? I have been told by an ex that "at least you have a pretty face"... but when I stopped to think he was right and I was not happy with my weight.

Whats worse.. knowing that your OH wants you back to the way you are.. or one that is too sh*t scared and too much of a chicken to say anything so heads off to find a bimbo to canoodle with...

As suggested by Meritaten you need to sit down together.. have a real discussion about whats happening... he might realise that the meds don't help you but might be all to willing to help you get back to the way you were..

Ask youself.. are you happy with your body at the moment? Are you happy with his??

New_and_Improved_Me

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I disagree with all of this, its like the saying that when you first get with someone its all lust and excitement and what your left with is trust and foundation.

What happens in 30 years when shes 60-70 and old so he will just leave because she is not attractive anymore?! Lots of woman gain weight/change the way they look and same with men!! Its not about looks at all its about love for that person warts and all!!

The problem is -

If you fell in love with someone many many moons ago….

Since then the love is not as strong as it was, but the lust is still there…Then if he/she gains 5 stones then lust will disappear too.

Let be honest…..very VERY few people (Men/Women alike) will find a 15 stone person attractive…Its ALL about the looks…. J

Harsh but true…….

If there were two twins…one a slim size 8-10 and one a fat size 18-20…..which would you date…..Be honest…..

paulineb_2

New_and_Improved_Me wrote: »

The problem is -

If you fell in love with someone many many moons ago….

Since then the love is not as strong as it was, but the lust is still there…Then if he/she gains 5 stones then lust will disappear too.

Let be honest…..very VERY few people (Men/Women alike) will find a 15 stone person attractive…Its ALL about the looks…. J

Harsh but true…….

If there were two twins…one a slim size 8-10 and one a fat size 18-20…..which would you date…..Be honest…..

I know some people who are 15 stones plus and are very attractive at a size 20 because they have the confidence to carry off how they dress.

I dont think for one minute its all about the looks, or no one who carried excess weight would ever have a partner and thats not the case.