Honest advice please - relationship

FBaby

Surely, if OP was/had considered abortion, that would have been mentioned, considering the impact that decision would have on whether to consider continuing the relationship or not?

FBaby

The 'more to the story' could be anything. It could be that he cross-dresses and she discovered last week, or that he is about to be made redundant and won't be the financial support she was hoping for, or maybe, that when she was ill and he was so wonderful giving her attention, he told her that he would love a baby with her and she said she did too and came off the pill.

Who knows? but OP is asking for clarity and that is indeed difficult to give with so little information.

victory

econnin wrote: »

Thank you all for your responses.

I'm not sure whether I have fooled him. Sometimes I have been happy and he knows this; other times he has suffocated me and he is aware of this also. I've told him from the start I need space from him and that I felt he has pressurised me into some things but he gets defensive. I fooled myself into thinking I loved him. Really, I think it's both our fault.

There are other issues here which I don't want to touch upon as they are too personal to even put on here. There are other things that worry me about him.

Anyway, I really have found you all very helpful. Thank you all so much.

What are the other issues? Has he been abusive towards you or your child? Financial?

econnin

Hi everyone

I'm sorry for the confusion but you must understand that some things are too personal to post.

hellzbellz

Can we please try to keep some perspective on behalf of op here and not jump automatically to the assumption that this man is abusive in some way?

In case some people haven't had therapy following an abusive relationship so have skewed bias or there are just some jaded ignorant people, Id like to make the point that relationships break down even where no abuse takes place.

I will be very disappointed in the op if she grasps on to the abuse theory if not founded as a way to validate her thoughts which seem to be based on indecision about her responsibility to this man in terms of how she let a seemingly doomed relationship progress.

Focus on the real issues and not speculation. Otherwise we run the risk of discredited advice given to real situations which helps no one.

Rant done.

FBaby

I have not mentioned abortion as an option as I did not want to taint your responses.

To me it makes the whole difference though. What you've been through with this man is not uncommon at all. You first think you met the right one, then start having doubts, then something happens and you get closer making you think that you can make it work, then realise that it won't. He has never had doubt, you have, that's why it seems he has pressured you. If you'd felt the same than he from the start, you wouldn't have felt that pressured. When this happen, you turn around and say 'sorry hun, we had great months and I do care about you but something isn't right, I don't think we could make it work long-term so it's better to go our own way.

HOWEVER, you're pregnant.... and that makes it all different. Without knowing whether you intend to keep that baby or not, it is difficult to advise. If you consider this pregnancy an mistake, one that you didn't intended, and one that you want to end, then the above applies just the same.

If however you intend on keeping that baby, and depending on how you came about to be pregnant, ie. you agreed together to stop protecting yourself and see what happened, or even planned the pregnancy), then clearly you might need to consider the future differently.

alias*alibi

OP as I've said; your posts ring so many bells with me. If want to to PM I will tell you how my OH used to be. I will say that despite the affair, all those first demons have disappeared. He too had some carp early in his adulthood and believe this is why he became so clingy with me. He so dearly wanted to be loved and accepted. I truly believe partly due to some issues in our relationship is why the affair happened; again, looking for reassurance that he was 'worthy' if you like. Not that it makes the affair right if course. He too struggles with showing our DD affection; maybe this is a barrier he puts up. I think my OH and I really could benefit from couples counselling tbh. Is that something you would consider? If your partner got over these 'quirks' that annoy you there maybe a relationship worth salvaging. X

BitterAndTwisted

econnin wrote: »

I also think that his love for me borders on obsession and things that have happened when we are intimate worry me.

I suspect you have been ignoring your instincts or setting them aside in order to be "fair" to your partner but this time please listen them. These things which worry you will not go away, and are likely to increase the longer you are with this man.

alias*alibi

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

To consign a child to having parents who in all probability won't be together by the time they start primary school?

The OP has the opportunity to prevent the almost inevitable shitstorm that will come about in the next couple of years.

I'm not sure this is inevitable. I think if my OH hadn't had an affair then we would still had been together even though our beginning was rocky. Of course the affair makes me look at him in a whole different light, but most of the time we are happy. I don't think these types relationships are set to fail from the beginning; its the same as anything; it takes a lot of effort to see through things to make it work. As the OP did initially feel something for this man it may be workable and salvageable. If there was no pregnancy then fine, move on but there is. With a lot of work and perhaps some counselling to get to the root course of her partners behaviour the OP 'could' have the family/relationship she wants.

FBaby

I agree, no one can predict what their relationship would be like if they stayed together. I have seen it both ways. When you decide to have a child together, maybe you owe it to that child to at least give it a try?