Honest advice please - relationship

paulineb_2

econnin wrote: »

Hi everyone

I'm sorry for the confusion but you must understand that some things are too personal to post. Also, my partner uses this site. I don't want to break his heart.

I guess I will clarify some things and hope that this does't cause more controversy.

My partner was full on from the start. He is a lovely man but portrays this funny / confident persona which is charming. I don't believe that he is trying to be false, just positive. He has had bad things in the past happen to him and this is how he copes with it. He agreed with me on everything; if my favourite food was mud he would have said the same thing. He pressurised me into moving things much faster than I wanted to. I have resisted at some points like when he tried to move in, other day to day stuff and hence why my doubts have grown. Because I feel that I have to watch my back or I will be trapped. It has happened anyway despite me articulating to him that I needed him to give me space and that I wasn't sure. As I said, I went through something bad, he was there for me, I felt happy and thought I had finally fallen for him. I was wrong. The only reason I have mentioned the doubts I first had was because I didn't want this to be put down to pregnancy hormones. It isn't.

The other issues that worry me include the past. He had a troubled childhood and 'used to' have a bad temper. I have seen flickers of this but nothing that I can really point at. I also think that his love for me borders on obsession and things that have happened when we are intimate worry me.

But as I said, my son is priority and the trigger for all these feelings resurfacing has been the flickering of anger / temper under the surface. I dont want it to appear when I am married and with his child.

Please understand however he has not mistreated me. It's instinct that I now am listening to.

And with regards to material things - it is due to the quest for true love that I have made this mistake. He has no money or anything to offer other than love. By treating me like a princess I mean that he is supportive and caring. Why wouldn't I have tried for nearly a year with him? But I am where I am now and I am going to do the right thing.

I have not mentioned abortion as an option as I did not want to taint your responses. I wanted honesty based on the important facts, which I have got from all of you. Thanks you all for your help.

He knows how I feel but still tries to 'win me over' every day.

I still think you need to have some discussion with him about how you feel about the issues youve mentioned.

And the pregnancy. Its unfair on him staying in the relationship if your heart isnt in it, baby or no baby

Its unfair on you. And its unfair on your child and his child.

You cant force yourself to love someone if you dont, thats the bottom line.

Treevo

FBaby wrote: »

I agree, no one can predict what their relationship would be like if they stayed together. I have seen it both ways. When you decide to have a child together, maybe you owe it to that child to at least give it a try?

There's no child here - it's a bunch of cells.

econnin

Thank you.

You're right in that some relationships are worth trying for. I fought for 5 years in my previous relationship. I'm not a quitter by any means.

I've been to visit him and it turns out that he has been thinking too because he knows I'm not happy. He has told me that he wants an all or nothing relationship. Either he moves in with me and my son right now or it's over. He does not think we should have a baby without being a couple, living together and getting married.

I won't be pressurised into living with anyone; I just wont.

I guess that this is the end of the story as far as MSE goes.

I really do appreciate all of your point of views. Some of you have really been brutally honest which is what I value when seeking advice.

Best wishes everyone.

FBaby

So have you made up your mind about the baby?

There's no child here - it's a bunch of cells.

Not when the intention is to have the baby.

FatVonD

econnin wrote: »

Either he moves in with me and my son right now or it's over.

Run like the wind!

alias*alibi

FatVonD wrote: »

Run like the wind!

I agree. Nobody needs ultimatums like that in their life.

If you're still reading this OP I wish you well whatever you decide; You only have one life to live after all. X

Gigglepig

Wow. Even if your relationship was all rosy, he doesn't sound very bright if he puts such pressure on a pregnant lady - pregnancy can be a lot to cope with at the best of times and many ladies feel emotional. An ultimatum does not sound constructive. Doh.

Although it must be very sad and upsetting I hope this at least made the decision easier for you OP.

busiscoming2

econnin wrote: »

Thank you.

He has told me that he wants an all or nothing relationship. Either he moves in with me and my son right now or it's over.

.

To me it sounds like he is trying to get you to make a snap decision in his favour. I bet he doesn't give up when you tell him it's over. He will be willing to give you time or try to use emotional blackmail with the unborn baby.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think I'd abort it and tell him I miscarried. I have a feeling he could turn.

CH27

econnin wrote: »

Thank you.

You're right in that some relationships are worth trying for. I fought for 5 years in my previous relationship. I'm not a quitter by any means.

I've been to visit him and it turns out that he has been thinking too because he knows I'm not happy. He has told me that he wants an all or nothing relationship. Either he moves in with me and my son right now or it's over. He does not think we should have a baby without being a couple, living together and getting married.

I won't be pressurised into living with anyone; I just wont.

I guess that this is the end of the story as far as MSE goes.

I really do appreciate all of your point of views. Some of you have really been brutally honest which is what I value when seeking advice.

Best wishes everyone.

He's stepping up the emotional pressure. Be very careful what you agree to.

FBaby

We still know nothing of the circumstances of the pregnancy. We don't know if it was an accident or planned. We don't know what was said. Would it be such an unreasonable explanation if they had discussed it before and both agreed they wanted to have a baby and a relationship together. OP has stated that at one point she really thought they could make a go of it (when she was ill), so who know what was said then.

We also don't know if the possibility of an abortion was mentioned. Maybe this was suggested too. We really know very little to be able to decide whether this man is putting emotional pressure or going by what has been discussed and agreed previously.