Honest advice please - relationship

carolan78

econnin wrote: »

Hi all

I do feel like it was an ultimatum. He either moves in with us literally today or it's over. By over, he means no baby = termination.

We have of course previously discussed eventually living together but not anytime soon and in fact he had originally said that he intended to move in in a year (without discussing this date with me).

if I had not put the breaks on (and it may seem that I haven't, but trust me I have) throughout the relationship, he would have us married and living together already. It's too much. I have no excuse for the pregnancy, it just happened after I was ill. This I will not go in to.

Anyway, he has said that if we don't live together I should have a termination. I feel like he knows I am slipping away so giving me an ultimatum will make me decide in his favour but what it's done is proven to me that I don't want him in my life and a baby would be a bad idea. It is clear it's only me that he wants, not my son or another baby. If he can't have me he doesn't want the baby. All this added up means that I have to do the right thing and not bring the baby into this world.

Apologies if I have caused any offence. I never thought I would consider it. But this is the right thing to do.

Please don't worry if people on a forum are upset by your choices. This is your life and for what it is worth from the things you have posted I think you have come to a good choice and you seem to have made it with perfect clarity not just within the relationship but as a bigger picture too. As it's been said above if you need it use the forum for support.

FBaby

I totally agree trust your instinct.

thehappybutterfly

what a nightmare OP! I agree with some of the other posters who say run for your life. I dont think it sounds like he's madly in love with you - you mention obsession and i agree. It smacks of desperation on his part. He seems determined to keep you tied to him - no wonder you feel trapped. I know what id be doing and it wouldnt involve him. Im not a believer in abortion but i would certainly be in favour of it if i was in this pickle. Get this man out your life pronto.

candygirl

Good luck whatever you decide hun x

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

econnin wrote: »

Hi all

I do feel like it was an ultimatum. He either moves in with us literally today or it's over. By over, he means no baby = termination.

We have of course previously discussed eventually living together but not anytime soon and in fact he had originally said that he intended to move in in a year (without discussing this date with me).

if I had not put the breaks on (and it may seem that I haven't, but trust me I have) throughout the relationship, he would have us married and living together already. It's too much. I have no excuse for the pregnancy, it just happened after I was ill. This I will not go in to.

Anyway, he has said that if we don't live together I should have a termination. I feel like he knows I am slipping away so giving me an ultimatum will make me decide in his favour but what it's done is proven to me that I don't want him in my life and a baby would be a bad idea. It is clear it's only me that he wants, not my son or another baby. If he can't have me he doesn't want the baby. All this added up means that I have to do the right thing and not bring the baby into this world.

Apologies if I have caused any offence. I never thought I would consider it. But this is the right thing to do.

Sounds like he's beginning to show his true colours. At least you found this out now, and not a year later.

You will be able to access counselling at any point, as even if you decide this is, as you say (and I believe) that termination will be the kindest outcome, it is still quite normal to have mixed feelings, particularly as there will also be the recovering from a suffocating and ultimately controlling relationship.

Abuse and control can be exerted through emotional blackmail, being incredibly nice, just as easily - if not more so - than violence. Particularly as it makes it harder for somebody to leave 'well, he doesn't hit me, he's soooo nice to me'.


Block his phone number, his FB, his email, everything. But be prepared for him to start hassling you within a short period - suicide threats, constant 'I loooooove you messages', calls suggesting there's some great disaster that you have to know about. It's all about control.



Be careful. Very careful. And good luck.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Seems like he has manoeuvred you into a position where he can finally blackmail you into letting him move in. All the signs were wrong from the start and not wanting to know the details, you let one slip through the net when ill and not paying attention.

Now, don't let him control this any longer. As Jojo says, as soon as he realises that your answer is going to be 'no' (hopefully), I imagine he will pull out all the stops so expect the unexpected and please be careful.

econnin

Now I've made my decision I will stick to it. Once all of his things have gone from my house there will be no unnecessary contact. I wont give him any false hope.

I know I have made the right decision and I have a beautiful son who needs me so I've just got to get on with life.

Thanks everyone xx

busiscoming2

econnin wrote: »

Now I've made my decision I will stick to it. Once all of his things have gone from my house there will be no unnecessary contact. I wont give him any false hope.

I know I have made the right decision and I have a beautiful son who needs me so I've just got to get on with life.

Thanks everyone xx

Just make sure he takes them or you deliver them to him in one go. Don't leave anything behind. You won't want him just popping back to collect things. If he has a key to your home, make sure it is returned.

victory

econnin wrote: »

Now I've made my decision I will stick to it. Once all of his things have gone from my house there will be no unnecessary contact. I wont give him any false hope.

I know I have made the right decision and I have a beautiful son who needs me so I've just got to get on with life.

Thanks everyone xx

I am pleased for you you have been able to reach a decision, just be careful that he truly accepts it and doesn't become obsessive like you said about it or problematic, make it clear it is final and no going back

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

busiscoming2 wrote: »

Just make sure he takes them or you deliver them to him in one go. Don't leave anything behind. You won't want him just popping back to collect things. If he has a key to your home, make sure it is returned.

And change the locks.


Or do that NOW.