Honest advice please - relationship

BitterAndTwisted

Giving some an ultimatum IS putting the emotional pressure on! Regardless of what may or may not have been discussed.

I'd be running for the ruddy hills.

FBaby

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Giving some an ultimatum IS putting the emotional pressure on! Regardless of what may or may not have been discussed.

I'd be running for the ruddy hills.

You can call it an ultimatum, or giving a choice. If this man is not prepared to be a father outside of a relationship, then that is his choice. She has total control over whether she wants to keep the baby regardless of his wishes and that's her choice.

Again, if they had discussed it and they had agreed they would form a relationship together and she is now backstepping, it is her choice, but him saying that they stick with what they agreed or he is out is not an ultimatum.

FopMistress

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Cold? Practical. Is it better to have an unwanted child with a man you don't love? Is it better to permanently tie two people together through a child when the relationship is more than likely doomed? To consign a child to having parents who in all probability won't be together by the time they start primary school? To have a man who thinks life is great find out afterwards that the mother of his child didn't love him, found him boring and unfunny and just kept things going because she felt like she was trapped? And then end up without the happily ever after he's probably envisaging?

Every child should be 100% wanted and felt to be a blessing, not a millstone. It's not fair on either parent or the child for that to happen.


The OP has the opportunity to prevent the almost inevitable shitstorm that will come about in the next couple of years.




I'm not being cold. Cold would be to say tough luck, you're stuck with him for the next twenty years - get on with it and stop complaining.

I agree. No woman should be pressured into having a child when it isn't right for them and only the OP can make that decision. It's a messy situation but it's got the potential to get even messier if she stays with a man she doesn't love and is already unsure about on so many levels. I think things have happened too quickly in this relationship but it won't the the first or last time it's happened to someone. Good luck on whatever you decide - just make sure it's right for you, OP.

econnin

Hi all

I do feel like it was an ultimatum. He either moves in with us literally today or it's over. By over, he means no baby = termination.

We have of course previously discussed eventually living together but not anytime soon and in fact he had originally said that he intended to move in in a year (without discussing this date with me).

if I had not put the breaks on (and it may seem that I haven't, but trust me I have) throughout the relationship, he would have us married and living together already. It's too much. I have no excuse for the pregnancy, it just happened after I was ill. This I will not go in to.

Anyway, he has said that if we don't live together I should have a termination. I feel like he knows I am slipping away so giving me an ultimatum will make me decide in his favour but what it's done is proven to me that I don't want him in my life and a baby would be a bad idea. It is clear it's only me that he wants, not my son or another baby. If he can't have me he doesn't want the baby. All this added up means that I have to do the right thing and not bring the baby into this world.

Apologies if I have caused any offence. I never thought I would consider it. But this is the right thing to do.

CH27

econnin wrote: »

Hi all

I do feel like it was an ultimatum. He either moves in with us literally today or it's over. By over, he means no baby = termination.

We have of course previously discussed eventually living together but not anytime soon and in fact he had originally said that he intended to move in in a year (without discussing this date with me).

if I had not put the breaks on (and it may seem that I haven't, but trust me I have) throughout the relationship, he would have us married and living together already. It's too much. I have no excuse for the pregnancy, it just happened after I was ill. This I will not go in to.

Anyway, he has said that if we don't live together I should have a termination. I feel like he knows I am slipping away so giving me an ultimatum will make me decide in his favour but what it's done is proven to me that I don't want him in my life and a baby would be a bad idea. It is clear it's only me that he wants, not my son or another baby. If he can't have me he doesn't want the baby. All this added up means that I have to do the right thing and not bring the baby into this world.

Apologies if I have caused any offence. I never thought I would consider it. But this is the right thing to do.

I'm glad that you now have a clear idea of the way forward.
I wish you well xx

RAS

This may already have been touched on, but you are aware that railroading a partner into pregnancy and or living together is a frequently used techniques by domestic abusers (not necessarily those using violence but those using financial, emotional and psychological abuse and control)?

FBaby

econnin wrote: »

Anyway, he has said that if we don't live together I should have a termination. I feel like he knows I am slipping away so giving me an ultimatum will make me decide in his favour but what it's done is proven to me that I don't want him in my life and a baby would be a bad idea. It is clear it's only me that he wants, not my son or another baby. If he can't have me he doesn't want the baby. All this added up means that I have to do the right thing and not bring the baby into this world.

Apologies if I have caused any offence. I never thought I would consider it. But this is the right thing to do.

I'm so so sorry you are at that point. I can see how it would come as an ultimatum, but some man are not prepared to be a dad on the side only because it hurts them too much.We had a discussion about this at work one day, a colleague announce that his girlfriend was having a baby but that there was no way he was moving him with her, happy to be a dad on the side. Another young colleague got really angry, told him that he was selfish etc.... which surprised us all as he is otherwise a very calm and quiet type of guy. He said later that he grew between divorced parents who argued all the time and he hated it, always wished he had at least a sibling to share it all with. He said that he promised himself that he would never have a child outside of a committed relationship and if an accident happen would expect the girl to have an abortion (we did explain to him that in that case it was up to him to make sure he didn't get a girl pregnant!).

It does sound like this man was madly in love with you, hence wishing you would share your life with him. The announcement of the baby probably cemented it for him and he is now distressed that it is all going the other direction.

In a way, as you've said, you now know where you stand with him and that you definitely don't want to be with him. I hope you can move on without too much pain and meet someone else who will swept you off your feet.

econnin

Fbaby, you may be right. Maybe the thought of being a dad on the side hurts him too much. But intuition tells me it's because he can't have me too that it'll hurt, not because he can't be a full-time dad. He has told me in previous relationships that he was railroaded into things. I'm starting to think this may be the opposite. I can't help but feel his love borders obsession and I worry about my safety and my son's. There is no hard evidence for this worry but it's still there nonetheless. I am very careful about such things as I know how a seemingly lovely guy can turn on a woman when hurt.

I have the clarity I was seeking; now I just need to handle the situation delicately. Thank you all so much.

CH27

econnin wrote: »

Fbaby, you may be right. Maybe the thought of being a dad on the side hurts him too much. But intuition tells me it's because he can't have me too that it'll hurt, not because he can't be a full-time dad. He has told me in previous relationships that he was railroaded into things. I'm starting to think this may be the opposite. I can't help but feel his love borders obsession and I worry about my safety and my son's. There is no hard evidence for this worry but it's still there nonetheless. I am very careful about such things as I know how a seemingly lovely guy can turn on a woman when hurt.

I have the clarity I was seeking; now I just need to handle the situation delicately. Thank you all so much.

Trust your gut instinct.

southoftheriver

Just because you've made a decision about the relationship and the pregnancy doesn't mean you can't still use the forum for support if you need to. Good luck whatever happens.