Stepson wants to live with us - can his mother stop him?

Poppy9

supersaver2 wrote: »

People do change you know, it's much like some threads you can read about women who have separated from their partners and he suddenly morphs into a lowlife who won't pay any money for their kids, do we say why did you marry/have kids with such an idiot, or do we believe that people can and do change?

As for stealing her 'son' he is actually mum and dads son and not an item to 'steal' away.

Yes people do change but sadly they are often influenced by new partners and a war develops with the children caught in the middle.

I did put steal in inverted commas to indicate that this was an emotion the mother would be feeling not what was actually happening. I believe the child is their own person and does not belong to either parent in the sense they own him. They are his guardians, it's not about possession.

FBaby

I wonder whether the OP's behaviour has changed dramatically since he has been with OP. That could certainly have an effect on how the ex and new wife feel about each other. One thing that seem clear is that there is no lack of animosity between them. This is probably what is most damaging to the kid.

kent_lady

red_devil wrote: »

did the father leave the marriage?

if so he is the one that split the home in the first place?

No it was a MUTUAL split.

Treevo

red_devil wrote: »

will he go though at weekends, i know someone who had this arrangement it all started well but as time went on the boy did not want to return home to see his mum for the weekend. He had built a new life in his new town and wanted to stay there.

13 miles is a long way its not just round the corner!

14 year olds dont want to spend much time with their mums i fear she will end up not seeing him to be honest if he goes or rarely.

Is he the mothers only child?

It's amazing that you find that situation so awful for mothers. Perfectly fine for fathers though, in your strange world.

The mother will have to make the effort to see her son - just as his father has done since the marriage ended.

Treevo

FBaby wrote: »

I wonder whether the OP's behaviour has changed dramatically since he has been with OP. That could certainly have an effect on how the ex and new wife feel about each other. One thing that seem clear is that there is no lack of animosity between them. This is probably what is most damaging to the kid.

Adults are perfectly capable of hiding their feelings from teenagers.

kent_lady

FBaby wrote: »

I wonder whether the OP's behaviour has changed dramatically since he has been with OP. That could certainly have an effect on how the ex and new wife feel about each other. One thing that seem clear is that there is no lack of animosity between them. This is probably what is most damaging to the kid.

How patronising. My marriage to my children's father broke up 13 years ago and I swore I would never use my kids against him. And I never have. I cannot understand why any parent would do that, and my kid's biological father has treated them appallingly, allowing his wife to mentally abuse them and not paying any maintenance for 5 years. Yet still I don't / won't say a bad word about him, much as I want to!! :mad: So my "behaviour" has always been the same - I have seen too many bitter ex-wives, to allow myself to ever be one!! My OH's behaviour has only changed in that he has moved on with his life - that's what his ex seems to resent.....DS knows that they don't get on but sees why. I have no "feelings" towards OH's ex - I see what I see and as she told my OH last night that "your wife is a c**t", how is that ever ok?

Oh, and I have just had a call from my OH saying he's spoken to DS again today and he is 100% adamant this is what he wants.

FBaby

Treevo wrote: »

Adults are perfectly capable of hiding their feelings from teenagers.

Most teenagers are intuitive enough to read behind what adults are trying to hide. Verbal communication is ....what do they say 6% of total communication. Just a shrug of the shoulder at the mention of a name is enough to say it all.

aliasojo

kent_lady wrote: »

Oh, and I have just had a call from my OH saying he's spoken to DS again today and he is 100% adamant this is what he wants.

Kids generally do not want to move from happy homes, even if they do miss the absent parent.

The fact the lad is definite on what he wants, speaks volumes as far as I'm concerned.

The Mother doesn't get any rights just because she has a title, you reap what you sow, if she had a good relationship with the lad, he'd not be wanting to go anywhere.

Treevo

FBaby wrote: »

Most teenagers are intuitive enough to read behind what adults are trying to hide. Verbal communication is ....what do they say 6% of total communication. Just a shrug of the shoulder at the mention of a name is enough to say it all.

I'm sure it would be - in Dawnson's Creek. But real life isn't a glossy teen drama where every fifteen year old talks like they're Columbia grads.

Most teenagers are too self-involved to care what others think. And most adults (certainly the ones I know) are perfectly capable of masking their true feelings, even from other adults.

FBaby

Ok, fine, you are clearly a perfect ex and a perfect new wife. You ex is a loser and so his your OH's ex. It all sounds very fairyland like, but at the same time, you are absolutely right that I certainly can't judge not knowing you and your family.

I wish your SS good luck and hope that he will grow up stable and happy with you guys.