Stepson wants to live with us - can his mother stop him?

kent_lady

Hi All

I've searched the forum but can't find anything to answer my Q so hope you can help .

My stepson of 14 has told my DH this week that he wants to come and live with us. Our current setup is me, DH, my DS1 and DS2. We have the room and my DH is overjoyed that his DS wants to live with us as he's a very hands-on dad, misses the DS like mad and has been hoping that this would eventually happen.

I am more than happy for this to happen, all 3 boys get on really well and we are a happy family.

My question is this - can my stepson's mum prevent this from happening? I have looked on Citizen's Advice and Mumsnet and the consensus seems to be that, as he's 14, he can now choose. We know that she will scream, shout, try and emotionally blackmail him (I'll lose the house, oh how can you leave me etc etc) but can she actually stop him from moving in with us? I think she can't do anything but any advice would be lovely - thanks guys!!:D

Oh - just one more thing - she's completely money-obsessed so her first thought is that DH will stop paying maintenance - this is the sort of woman we are dealing with here!

pinkshoes

Tricky one. At 14 they would certainly take his views into consideration.

How was custody decided originally? What are his reasons for not wanting to live with his mum?

I'd want to go down some sort of official channel if there is one!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

No his biological mother would not be able to stop him from coming to live with you. No judge in this country would tell a 14 year old which parent they can and can't live with. (assuming one parents not an axe-wielding psychopath!)

bargainbetty

Just a thought, but if stepson is coming to live with you, the ex should be paying maintenance for him to your OH. You might be wise investing in a decent meeting with a family advice centre or solicitor to get everything done nicely and above board - this will have a financial impact on all of you.

kent_lady

Hi Pinkshoes.....custody was originally agreed mutually between them as when my DH's marriage broke up, his DS was only 11. My DH would have had him live with him then but the ex's response was "you can't have him" and also it would have been more difficult due to my DH's job (on call and can get called into work in the middle of the night). We weren't together when he moved out of the marital home so I couldn't have helped at that time. Now, however, I work office hours, our boys are 17, 14 and 14 and perfectly capable of looking after themselves short term if the need arises. As for the reasons he doesn't want to live with his mum -
- he doesn't like his stepdad at all
- he says they ignore him and when he's with us he gets listened to (heartbreaking )
- he gets on really well with my lads
- he's been thinking about this for months
- he thinks the town we live in will be better for him (he got in with a rough crowd a few months back and started smoking, for which his dad grounded him for 2 months!)
- he's started to realise that her main concern is about money and that we actually care about HIM!

Notsuchasmugmarried, I had a feeling that what you say, is the case, ie at 14 he can make his own choices.

DH is meeting with her tonight to tell her the news which is why I needed to ask for your help, his solicitor is on holiday and the office won't give him advice over the phone :mad:.

I told him to check the legal position in preparation for her response which will be "I'm not going to let him" - I wanted DH to be able to confidently say that she can't stop him, which appears to be the case.

She has always been unreasonable eg expects my DH to make every journey (when the split was mutual (even though she had an affair)), accuses him of not caring if she can't get her own way eg if he can't take DS to the doctor's she says he doesn't care about him! So unfair and also not true! Constantly obsesses about money and is always asking DH to pay for stuff when he already pays maintenance.....so we are expecting a rough ride.........

Thanks all!:D

kent_lady

Hi BargainBetty, this has also occurred to me, not sure my OH will accept it from her but in principle he should - I will remind him of this! We know how to work it all out as we calculated OH's payments based on him now being a household with 2 stepchildren. Thanks for the reminder though. :-)

Treevo

I'd advise keeping your stepson away from the conversation/argument between his parents as far as is possible. Obviously, he'll have to speak to his mother eventually, but for the handover he should pack his stuff with the least amount of tension so as not to inflame the situation.

Depending on how the ex is, it might be an idea to inform the local police in an effort to get them onside to prevent a possible breach of the peace when the handover takes place.

Treevo

kent_lady wrote: »

Hi BargainBetty, this has also occurred to me, not sure my OH will accept it from her but in principle he should - I will remind him of this! We know how to work it all out as we calculated OH's payments based on him now being a household with 2 stepchildren. Thanks for the reminder though. :-)

At the very least he should get it and put it away for his son for the future. Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she gets to not provide for her child.

Do also make sure that you claim the appropriate benefits for your household, so she can't argue that he didn't pay maintenance when he should've done.

pmlindyloo

Some useful information here:

Some useful information here:

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_marriage.htm

Prothet_of_Doom

Just a point about "Emotional Blackmail"

It would be better to discuss with the son, not saying anything to his mother until you are sure of the legal position, and make sure he understands how to deal with the emotional blackmail.

He needs some training in what to say like "Look Mum, I do love you, but you, and stepdad need space, and I think I will do better at school, and you'll still see me, anytime you want, but you won't have to do my washing and stuff etc... It's better for you, this way"

kent_lady

Prothet, I really like what you've said. SS has grown up a lot over the last few months and I think he realises the things she will try....but he is adamant this is what he wants, his dad has had several long talks with him this week as he's been with us, he is 100% sure that he wants to live with us. It's frustrating, we know that she will hit the roof and tbh I'm worried for SS, he will be subject to her crap as he's going home tonight, I'm worried that she will weep and wail in front of him, forgetting that this is not about her!

Lindyloo I will check that link out, thanks.

Treevo - do you mean Child Benefit? I think our household income may be too high for WTC but perhaps I should check.......?