Stepson wants to live with us - can his mother stop him?

TeamLowe

OP, as this thread seems to have gone off track due to a poster thinking it'll be a disaster, I just wanted to say that I think this could be the absolute making of your stepson, due to a similar experience i know of.

My DH left his mothers' home at 16 to move in with his grandparents as he hated his stepdad. apparently he didn't even ask beforehand- just turned up with a bag and that was it.

His mother tbh whilst being a good person was not a great mother - she loves her son very much but didn't take good pastoral care of him - can't think of a better word. he was always clean and fed but there was not much 'do your homework, reach for the stars' etc

His grandparents were the opposite - really cared and supported him in everything he does. He went to college and university and now has a very well paid job that he loves.

His two siblings who stayed at home - one is happy enough bumbling along in a part time retail job she's had for fourish years (which is also ridiculously far from home). one has moved to kipping on someone's couch as his benefits keep being stopped due to refusing to get a job.

He lived with his grandparents until he met me and we moved out together when he was 22.

He still has a very good relationship with his mother, although it's always him talking to her and she can go for months without contacting him which I try not to get upset about

Auntie_Social

Kent_lady we are in very similar situations, my OH son is 10 and wants to live with us, his Mum won't let him because of the financial implications, she doesn't work and is on benefits, when she looks at her son I am sure she doesn't see a son but ££ signs! She, like your OH's ex has used emotional blackmail even telling her son that if he went to live with us, she didn't want to ever see him again and she would drown the kitten she bought him (this was another thing she used to blackmail him into staying as he had always wanted a kitten). She hates me and won't even let me into the house all because I called her son by the family nickname on the phone before I met him - work that one out! I know there can be a tendancy for all ex's to be tarred with the "evil ex" brush, but on occasions the cap fits.
We applied for full residency last year but was only granted joint residency which devastated DSS, even last week he was still saying he wants to live with us. He is scared of his stepdad who admitted in a statement to the court that he had hit him on a couple of occasions.

Like you all I want is for my DSS to be happy and settled and my OH and I have both said that if this is with his ex and stepfather then it would be with our blessing, but this is not going to happen, they spend all day on their laptops etc. DSS was with them for the first 4 weeks of the summer holiday and he left the house once to go to Tesco that was all the fresh air that child got.
You are a credit to step parents, its not the easiest job as I am finding out, its actually 10 times harder than being a childs natural parent and I actually think you should get a medal as big as a dustbin lid for what you are trying to do for your DSS! I wish you and your family all the very best.

duchy

Person_one wrote: »

The son can decide to live with his dad and that be dealt with without getting into what an awful person his mother is. I'm sure he still loves her despite her flaws, and she loves him. It will be very hard on her, that's why I thanked the post saying 'spare a thought' for her.

I do see FBaby's point, whenever a stepmother/new partner posts on here about the ex, they are always an absolutely terrible person, lowest of the low. Its like they have to feel that the ex deserves to suffer, somehow, but real life doesn't have such clear cut good guys and bad guys.

The malice towards the Mother in the OP frankly made my skin crawl.

I am wondering if this "decision" was made after a holiday stay with his father and the new family ...and when faced with the reality of leaving his home , his Mum, his mates....and having to start over with a new school and making new friends he may want to back out .......or even after the move is made-what happens if the reality doesn't match the expectation ? Will he be able to make a free choice without pressure from the second family "But we've arranged a new school ...bought you a new bed......your stepbrothers will be so disappointed" etc.

Instead of treating it as a one time decision -could it not be a trial period -say til Christmas -and then allow him to decide . I know it's not ideal as he's starting his GCSE years but better a bit of disruption at the start than a decision he's unhappy with later but feels he can't backtrack ....or is too disruptive educationally.

I realize the OP is thrilled for her husband - but the welfare of the child is what is most important not hubby's. It would be easy to plough forward with arrangements and for a teenager to feel they couldn't say "Stop-I'm not sure".