Stepson wants to live with us - can his mother stop him?

aliasojo

red_devil wrote: »

why is it up to her to keep the relationship going


I am being realistic.....

She is the adult.

You are not being realistic in the least. You are being extremely narrow minded and too focused on how one particular person would feel, rather than looking at the bigger picture.

It's a very unbalanced view. Imo.

peachyprice

red_devil wrote: »

yes great weekends they are going to have, its not like having a child to stay who you can take to places is it? Most people that age wouldnt want to spend long with their parents.

Also he is relying on someone to drive him there?

Better just miserable weekends with a stepfather that doesn't like him than everyday then.

Just how do you think access for the father happens now? He relies on someone driving him there.

And why do you think that's going to change just because the boy has moved house?

If the father does all the driving for access now then the mother can do the same, if she doesn't bother then that really sums up what kind of mother she is.

peachyprice

red_devil wrote: »

why is it up to her to keep the relationship going

because she is the adult, it's what NRP's do. How amny threads here have fathers been slated on for not making enough effort to spend time with their children?

its a 2 way street isnt it, they both should put it in. Its of mutual benefit for both mum and son to keep in touch.

It's only in your imagination that this isn't going to happen, the OP has said nothing of the sort, neither has anyone else on this thread, this is your issue.

I feel cos of his age and his need to be with his friends and the distance he wont but if the poster comes back we will see.

Those friends that he was starting to get into trouble with? yes, great, he wants to make a clean start away from them, but no, let's not let him do that because mummy will be upset.

Alot of teens start to not want to have 2 homes when they get to that age, how many times have we seen posts where parents say they dont want to go to their dads house at weekends and leave their friends.

Yes, they do, and they should be free to make that choice, not me made to live at one particular home just because the parent who has a womb lives there.

I am being realistic you are just determined to make personal attacks.

No, you're not being realistic at all, you're looking at the entire situation of a a mother who doesn't want to let go.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

peachyprice wrote: »

Better just miserable weekends with a stepfather that doesn't like him than everyday then.

Just how do you think access for the father happens now? He relies on someone driving him there.

And why do you think that's going to change just because the boy has moved house?

If the father does all the driving for access now then the mother can do the same, if she doesn't bother then that really sums up what kind of mother she is.

To be fair, that does kind of assume that she drives and has a car.

peachyprice

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

To be fair, that does kind of assume that she drives and has a car.

Same as the assumption that the father does the driving now.

izools

kent_lady wrote: »

try and emotionally blackmail him (I'll lose the house, oh how can you leave me etc etc)

If this is the case then the sooner he is out the better.

Divorce and separation are always very hard things to deal with and especially for the female in the relationship emotions run high and are hard to control at times but these are in no way shape or form their children's responsibility, and children should never be used as a sounding board.

It's a matter of suck it up, or let someone else who is more emotionally stable look after your kids, for their wellbeing.

I have a mother who taught me no family values instead showing me it was OK to use people as emotional bait, disrespect siblings and parents (with the way she carries on to this day about my father and her sister) - if my father had taken me out of that I would probably be a much more emotionally stable young man but these mothers are very good at "laying it on thick" to get custody unfortunately.

If she's going to use him as a pawn, keep diaries and recordings if possible of all of this so that it can be played / read back to the authorities if she does try to fight.

Hopefully however it will be a smooth transition and the chap will be able to look forward to a brighter, more stable tomorrow.

Best of luck with everything! :beer:

Treevo

red_devil wrote: »

my son did not leave home as an adult

Then that's unfortunate for you, but this isn't your situation.

red_devil wrote: »

why is it up to her to keep the relationship going

Because she's the parent. Our children owe us nothing.

red_devil wrote: »

its a 2 way street isnt it, they both should put it in. Its of mutual benefit for both mum and son to keep in touch.

It may be of mutual benefit, but equally it may not be. Especially if the mother can't be bothered to put the effort in as she has expected the father to do for so long.

red_devil wrote: »

I feel cos of his age and his need to be with his friends and the distance he wont but if the poster comes back we will see.

So you think it's acceptable for this to happen to the father, but not the sainted mother?

red_devil wrote: »

Alot of teens start to not want to have 2 homes when they get to that age, how many times have we seen posts where parents say they dont want to go to their dads house at weekends and leave their friends.

And a lot don't. It's not one way or the other. It seems you're against this mother being treated in the exact same way a father would.

red_devil wrote: »

I am being realistic you are just determined to make personal attacks.

There's not been any personal attacks from me - if there had, no one would have any doubts. You are not being realistic in the slightest. You're saying that the situation the dad is in is fine for him but not fine for the mum, and the feelings of the child don't matter one iota. That's not morally or legally right.

CH27

red_devil wrote: »

my son did not leave home as an adult

why is it up to her to keep the relationship going

its a 2 way street isnt it, they both should put it in. Its of mutual benefit for both mum and son to keep in touch.

I feel cos of his age and his need to be with his friends and the distance he wont but if the poster comes back we will see.

Alot of teens start to not want to have 2 homes when they get to that age, how many times have we seen posts where parents say they dont want to go to their dads house at weekends and leave their friends.

I am being realistic you are just determined to make personal attacks.

I think you are allowing your personal experiences to cloud your judgement about what is best for this boy.

The boy is unhappy & that is what matters.

kent_lady

kelpie35 wrote: »

Kent_lady from your posts I can see that you come across as a caring mother, not only to your own children but to your DSS.

I also think that you and your OH are a team and are trying for everyones sake to have happy contented children.

I hope for your DSS that things can become happier if he does come to live with you.

I think for everyones sake that it needs to happen sooner than later so that everyone can move on and be happy.

I wish you and your family all the best. You sound like a lovely, caring mother.

Thank you SO much for these words, it means a lot , I am just trying to support my OH and do what's best for my SS....

kent_lady

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their comments, they have been interesting, heated at times, wow it's clear that I opened a can of worms here but I've found it really useful to see both sides. I also really appreciate the supportive comments, especially the ones that have described me as a caring mum and stepmum because that's what I'm striving to be . Someone posted that my OH and I are obviously working as a team - spot-on, so again, my thanks.

Several posters picked up that SS is not happy where he is and tbh that was the crux of the whole situation, I didn't want him to be prevented from coming to us if that is HIS wish.

I will keep you all posted!! :):)