Stepson wants to live with us - can his mother stop him?

poorly_scammo

Hi there,

A practical point: if/when he does come to live with you, make sure his school knows what's going on because firstly, it's common sense to let them know his change of address, emergency contact etc but also because if his mother does decide to make life difficult this might affect his school work/discipline/concentration.

If you've already thought of this then please disregard.

LannieDuck

I agree with Treevo about child benefit - child maintenance is often awarded based on child benefit, so if ex-wife continues to claim child benefit even though SS no longer lives with her, your OH might find he has problems with CSA when he tries to stop paying maintenance.

I can't remember the details of levels of income for CB, but I'm eligible for CB and not WTC, so it's certainly possible.

kent_lady

Thanks Lannie - he doesn't pay through the CSA so that shouldn't be an issue. If he's with us then we will notify CB and my understanding is that they will stop paying it to her once they clarify he lives with us.

Hi Poorly - he will have to change schools so big arrangements to be made there......!! :eek:

19lottie82

LannieDuck wrote: »

so if ex-wife continues to claim child benefit even though SS no longer lives with her, your OH might find he has problems with CSA when he tries to stop paying maintenance.

All the OP's OH has to do, is claim for CB himself. His ex will then receive a letter asking her if the son still lives with her.

If she says he does (when he doesn't) then it will be up to the OP's OH to prove that he does, in the form of documents, so it will be important to get him registered at a new school / doctors etc.

poorly_scammo

kent_lady wrote: »

Hi Poorly - he will have to change schools so big arrangements to be made there......!! :eek:

Right. Even more need to keep the new school abreast of the mother situation then.

skylight

Is he really, absolutely sure he wants to move in with you?

He may do now, but may not in a few weeks time, so you have to make sure that he knows what he is doing and what it all means (school change etc) so he has all the information he needs.

Having been on the recieving end of a 13yo SD who wanted to live with us, then changed her mind in week 6 just as the child benefits etc were being sorted out!

Mint1955

No he can live with his dad if that's what he wants. She can say he can't go or she won't let him but at the end of the day she cannot stop him. Solicitor told us exactly that with my two step kids.

But for a reality check why not put a trial period up for discussion.
Make sure Mum knows how and when she can see him.

We gained child benefit easily and did not get a penny from her when the kids came to us mind you they have never had a card or gift in 13 years either.

red_devil

kent_lady wrote: »

Hi All

I've searched the forum but can't find anything to answer my Q so hope you can help .

My stepson of 14 has told my DH this week that he wants to come and live with us. Our current setup is me, DH, my DS1 and DS2. We have the room and my DH is overjoyed that his DS wants to live with us as he's a very hands-on dad, misses the DS like mad and has been hoping that this would eventually happen.

I am more than happy for this to happen, all 3 boys get on really well and we are a happy family.

My question is this - can my stepson's mum prevent this from happening? I have looked on Citizen's Advice and Mumsnet and the consensus seems to be that, as he's 14, he can now choose. We know that she will scream, shout, try and emotionally blackmail him (I'll lose the house, oh how can you leave me etc etc) but can she actually stop him from moving in with us? I think she can't do anything but any advice would be lovely - thanks guys!!:D

Oh - just one more thing - she's completely money-obsessed so her first thought is that DH will stop paying maintenance - this is the sort of woman we are dealing with here!

have a thought for her will you, thats her son, the one she has raised, do you not think she will miss him etc? i am amazed would you like to give your son over to someone else?

peachyprice

red_devil wrote: »

have a thought for her will you, thats her son, the one she has raised, do you not think she will miss him etc? i am amazed would you like to give your son over to someone else?

What, like his father has for the last 3 years you mean?

Parenthood is a two way street, a mother doesn't miss her child any more than a father does.

red_devil

mothers do have a strong bond with their children and she has had him live with her for all of his life, it will be hard for her if he is not around and how often will he see realistically possibly not hardly ever when he gets settled into his new life?