Stepson wants to live with us - can his mother stop him?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Nope. She can't.



But don't forget that 14 year olds are very vulnerable to their hormones, their emotions are up and down all the time and they can be extremely good at being the poor, put upon little victim.

It may well be that moving in with you is the best thing, but don't forget that 'nobody listens to me' could be that he utters monosyllabic grunts and shrugs, interspersed with gasps of exasperation and kicking his schoolbag across the floor, and 'they don't like me' could mean 'Mum told me to put my dirty socks in the wash so she didn't have to seek them out in my bedroom by smell alone, and when I said she was being soooooo unfair, her OH said 'You should do what your mother says'.'



And it would be perfectly normal for a mother to be upset that her kid/teenager wants to go where he has non stop fun on every second weekend - wouldn't it be more abnormal for her to shrug her shoulders and say 'Whatever, bye then'?



The best way to go about it is to go through the proper legal channels - the worst possible way would be for him to disappear off the face of the earth one day and reappear at yours with her receiving a text message 'he lives with us now'.

FBaby

Totally agree with Jojo, and what would be best for the child is not to tell him what a great decision his moving with his dad is, and how happy it makes him, and how stuff his mother and can cry all her heart out, that's her problem.

Wanting the best for the child would have been to say to him 'we would love to have you here, however, we need to make absolutely certain that it is best for you. What has happened recently with your mother to feel the way you do, do you realise that you will have chores to do here and you will be punished if you don't obey the rules, that week-ends and holidays are for relaxing, but that during the week, we might not be able to give you the same attention as you do when you come over, that you get along great with your step-sons, but that it is very different getting along with someone you see once every other week and live with every day etc....

It sounds like OP and her husband are seeing this sudden admission as a battle won.

FBaby

FatVonD wrote: »

I feel for the boy's mother, it's not always easy parenting a teenage boy and he could well be unhappy just because he's a teenage boy and doesn't agree with her ground rules for example.

I hope it's not something like that. I've raised my son pretty much on my own with very little support from his dad and I'd be gutted after putting in the hard work and making sacrifices if he decided to live with his dad because we were going through a rough patch and his dad encouraged him.

Just read this and that is exactly how I feel. it might very well be that the 14yo has very good cause for wanting to move with his dad after having tried hard to make things work with his mum. That's fair enough. But it might very well be that he had an argument with his mum just before going because she didn't want to buy him whatever clothes he was asking for school, with the backing of his step-dad, and after a great time on holiday with no or little chores and being maybe bought what his mum refused, he decided that his stepdad was a jerk, his mum didn't listen and he got what he wanted with his dad.

Only talking to him and getting down to the bottom of the reason to want to move should any decision be taken, and that shouldn't be after one week holiday.

kent_lady

FBaby wrote: »

Something doesn't sound right to me, probably too much of stereotypes thrown in so few words. A horrible ex who had an affair, money obsessed, who doesn't care about her son on one side. A perfect father, who always contributed more than required financially, who sacrifices his time to do all the travelling, plenty of time to give his boy full attention. A SM who can't wait to welcome her step-son. A step-son of 14 who seem to know for certain that he will be happier with his every day life with the happy family, even though he has only been there at week-ends and holidays (ie. when everyone has more time and attention to give).



What a charming comment... Yes, the dad might have gone through it, but two wrongs don't make it right. Is that mother such a horrible person that she isn't able to actually feel pained at the prospect of her son moving and dare she, really miss him?

FBaby - with all due respect, you don't know the woman and the sh*t she has given us over the last 3 years. While I can see that my comments may appear one-sided, trust me, you don't know her and she has been really vindictive and spiteful ever since they split. She threatens my OH at every opportunity, she constantly asks for money, she has emotionally blackmailed her son in the past on several occasions by crying (that's why I made the weeping and wailing comment).

As it happens, that's exactly what she did......would your opinion of her change if I told you that she subjected my OH to a barrage of abusive texts last night, said that he must have bribed their son into this, and that I am a c**t???? Now do you see what we are faced with?

My OH's son is unhappy where he lives and wants to be with us. That's the most important thing to my OH who in fairness has responded very calmly to her abuse.

Red Devil, I see your point BUT as other posters said, he is not an object to be handed over, of course I understand that she will miss him but at times she has treated him as more of a hindrance, only useful for the maintenance. I'm not doing the typical "she's his ex and therefore a b*tch", her behaviour at times is completely unreasonable and she has been so rude and abusive to him and to me. She can say what she likes about me, I really don't care, but to use my OH's kids against him - well anyone who does that is the lowest of the low, imho, I've always thought so and it's not just aimed at her. We only live 13 miles from her so she can have him at weekends, just as we have done.

kent_lady

FBaby wrote: »

Just read this and that is exactly how I feel. it might very well be that the 14yo has very good cause for wanting to move with his dad after having tried hard to make things work with his mum. That's fair enough. But it might very well be that he had an argument with his mum just before going because she didn't want to buy him whatever clothes he was asking for school, with the backing of his step-dad, and after a great time on holiday with no or little chores and being maybe bought what his mum refused, he decided that his stepdad was a jerk, his mum didn't listen and he got what he wanted with his dad.

Only talking to him and getting down to the bottom of the reason to want to move should any decision be taken, and that shouldn't be after one week holiday.

Sorry FBaby but his dad is harder on him than his mum re behaviour, chores etc!

System

The son may find that living with the OP and his dad full-time is very different to visiting at the weekends! I wonder if there would be a way of them having a trial period to see how things go, but I can imagine with schooling to organise that might be difficult.

If you go about it the right way, hopefully the mum won't subject her son to hysterics and emotional blackmail, but I don't think the OP is entirely without bias, (understandably).

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

kent_lady wrote: »

FBaby - with all due respect, you don't know the woman and the sh*t she has given us over the last 3 years. While I can see that my comments may appear one-sided, trust me, you don't know her and she has been really vindictive and spiteful ever since they split. She threatens my OH at every opportunity, she constantly asks for money, she has emotionally blackmailed her son in the past on several occasions by crying (that's why I made the weeping and wailing comment).

As it happens, that's exactly what she did......would your opinion of her change if I told you that she subjected my OH to a barrage of abusive texts last night, said that he must have bribed their son into this, and that I am a c**t???? Now do you see what we are faced with?

My OH's son is unhappy where he lives and wants to be with us. That's the most important thing to my OH who in fairness has responded very calmly to her abuse.

Red Devil, I see your point BUT as other posters said, he is not an object to be handed over, of course I understand that she will miss him but at times she has treated him as more of a hindrance, only useful for the maintenance. I'm not doing the typical "she's his ex and therefore a b*tch", her behaviour at times is completely unreasonable and she has been so rude and abusive to him and to me. She can say what she likes about me, I really don't care, but to use my OH's kids against him - well anyone who does that is the lowest of the low, imho, I've always thought so and it's not just aimed at her. We only live 13 miles from her so she can have him at weekends, just as we have done.

Sounds like you're faced with a woman who loves her son and is very upset at the thought of losing him. Pain and loss can easily manifest as anger.

FBaby

As it happens, that's exactly what she did......would your opinion of her change if I told you that she subjected my OH to a barrage of abusive texts last night, said that he must have bribed their son into this, and that I am a c**t???? Now do you see what we are faced with?

But it's not about your feelings towards her or your husbands. You seem to be doing what you are accusing her of, that is making it about your and your husband rather than his son. It seems that him saying he is unhappy there enough to give you the flag to throw it at their face.

Of course it might be very true that he is not happy and not getting the best he could get there and would thrive much better with you and his dad and it is admirable that you are happy to welcome him, but your posts have been more about her than him. You have said why he was unhappy, but as it has been mentioned, those are things that teenagers going through a typical phase could say.

red_devil

kent_lady wrote: »

FBaby - with all due respect, you don't know the woman and the sh*t she has given us over the last 3 years. While I can see that my comments may appear one-sided, trust me, you don't know her and she has been really vindictive and spiteful ever since they split. She threatens my OH at every opportunity, she constantly asks for money, she has emotionally blackmailed her son in the past on several occasions by crying (that's why I made the weeping and wailing comment).

As it happens, that's exactly what she did......would your opinion of her change if I told you that she subjected my OH to a barrage of abusive texts last night, said that he must have bribed their son into this, and that I am a c**t???? Now do you see what we are faced with?

My OH's son is unhappy where he lives and wants to be with us. That's the most important thing to my OH who in fairness has responded very calmly to her abuse.

Red Devil, I see your point BUT as other posters said, he is not an object to be handed over, of course I understand that she will miss him but at times she has treated him as more of a hindrance, only useful for the maintenance. I'm not doing the typical "she's his ex and therefore a b*tch", her behaviour at times is completely unreasonable and she has been so rude and abusive to him and to me. She can say what she likes about me, I really don't care, but to use my OH's kids against him - well anyone who does that is the lowest of the low, imho, I've always thought so and it's not just aimed at her. We only live 13 miles from her so she can have him at weekends, just as we have done.

will he go though at weekends, i know someone who had this arrangement it all started well but as time went on the boy did not want to return home to see his mum for the weekend. He had built a new life in his new town and wanted to stay there.

13 miles is a long way its not just round the corner!

14 year olds dont want to spend much time with their mums i fear she will end up not seeing him to be honest if he goes or rarely.

Is he the mothers only child?

kent_lady

FBaby wrote: »

Totally agree with Jojo, and what would be best for the child is not to tell him what a great decision his moving with his dad is, and how happy it makes him, and how stuff his mother and can cry all her heart out, that's her problem.

Wanting the best for the child would have been to say to him 'we would love to have you here, however, we need to make absolutely certain that it is best for you. What has happened recently with your mother to feel the way you do, do you realise that you will have chores to do here and you will be punished if you don't obey the rules, that week-ends and holidays are for relaxing, but that during the week, we might not be able to give you the same attention as you do when you come over, that you get along great with your step-sons, but that it is very different getting along with someone you see once every other week and live with every day etc....

It sounds like OP and her husband are seeing this sudden admission as a battle won.

Again, you are wrong. While some people might be sitting smugly in this situation, my OH has taken great pains to talk to his son on at least 4 occasions over the last week, asking him if he's absolutely sure that this is what he wants. DS is adamant, and with all due respect, it's not due to an argument with his, he mentioned it to his dad nearly 3 months ago as something he was thinking about. No one has made a knee jerk decision here. My OH has constantly said to his ex that this is about what DS wants and what's best for him. I outlined the reasons in one of my first posts, my OH has sat down with his DS and told him of all the implications eg your mum will be upset, you'll have to change schools etc etc. DS said that he would be better off at a new school and that he will still see his mum, but that this is what he wants. What are we supposed to say, "sorry, no you can't live with us"? He knows his own mind and we are doing our best to respect and accommodate that.