Stepson wants to live with us - can his mother stop him?

FBaby

kent_lady wrote: »

How have I done this, please??? Read my posts, I have constantly said that this is about what's best for SS! My feelings don't come into it! This is NOT a kneejerk reaction on SS's part.......it's what HE wants and we are happy to have him come to us!

Your feelings did come into it when you said in the first page

he will be subject to her crap as he's going home tonight, I'm worried that she will weep and wail in front of him, forgetting that this is not about her!

This comment has nothing to do about your SS wanting to move in with you but about your feelings about his mum.

I know I keep referring to it, but that statement really shook me.

aliasojo

FBaby wrote: »

This comment has nothing to do about your SS wanting to move in with you but about your feelings about his mum.

I know I keep referring to it, but that statement really shook me.

Perhaps you shouldn't be reading such threads and offering advice then if that's all it takes to 'shake you'.

If the Mum weeps and wails, then that's what she does. How else would you describe someone weeping and wailing?

By the sounds of things we are not talking about a woman who is upset and crying over the thought of losing her son, we are talking about a woman who is using emotion as a control.

FBaby

It was more the 'crap' that I found of a bad taste. It might have been crap to her, that doesn't mean it was crap for her SS. Maybe he got upset seeing his mum like this.

alleycat`

I would say at 14 SS should be able to choose but, as he is still young, i would have suggested a trial might be the fairest and most sensible way forward.

The fact it is a trial then gives everyone some time to get used to the idea.
It also gives the SS a chance to see what it is really like living full time in a different household and if he can adapt to that.

I suspect it isn't massively important he changes school instantly but i am aware that at his age, GCSE's, etc are upcoming so there would have to be some "haste" involved.

The above would require a certain level of "grown up" behaviour amongst the various parties and I obviously have no visibility of the animosity involved.

On a side note:-

I have to say i really struggled to read some of the posts in this thread as they seem to be very clouded with regards to the posters personal circumstances and not about what is really best for the SS.

aliasojo

FBaby wrote: »

It was more the 'crap' that I found of a bad taste. It might have been crap to her, that doesn't mean it was crap for her SS. Maybe he got upset seeing his mum like this.

Any decent parent would not allow their child to witness such displays.

'Crap' seems a perfectly reasonable term to use in these circumstance. Imo.

aliasojo

alleycat` wrote: »

On a side note:-

I have to say i really struggled to read some of the posts in this thread as they seem to be very clouded with regards to the posters personal circumstances and not about what is really best for the SS.

:T

Amen to that. As they say.

BugglyB

I changed high schools three times and still got excellent grades. I would say that a stable home life and supportive parents more important than staying at the same school.

supersaver2

red_devil wrote: »

whose car?

will he stay the weekend? Are there any other siblings there?

Is he really going to want to sit in the house with his mum?

I dont think he will want to go?

How on earth can you possibly say that this child that you don't know from Adam won't want to got and see his Mum?!

God there has been some very sexist dribble posted on here, I assume this part of the forum has mainly women posting All the sacrifices that mums make for their children and strong bonds etc, most decent dads feel exactly the same way and want to spend as much time as possible with their children.

Poppy9

Once again we have a poster slaggign off their OH ex! It's really a bug bear of mine. Your OH choose his ex, married her, had a family with her and if he's as wonderful and caring and sensitive as you say he is then why did he choose such a witch?

His ex, is his problem. You've been with him less than 3 years, he was with her for at least 11 years.

Your stepson. He must pick up from you and OH how awful you think his mother is and how "perfect" you are as a family.

From the sound of it his mother is devastated at the prospect of losing her son and feels her ex and you have conspired to "steal" away her son. Imagine how you would feel if your children said they wanted to move out and live with your ex and his new family?

But the boy does have a say where he lives. I've seen a few of DD friends move out from living with their mother to go live with "wonderful Daddy". They have all returned home.

One of my friends was so upset when her son said he wanted to live half and half with both his parents a couple of years ago. She felt like a bad mum and rejected but she hid her feelings from her son and allowed it to happen. Mostly it's okay but at 15 he loves playing his parents off against one another. How he thinks he will get away with it I will never know. Sometimes she gets her ex ringing her in work ranting about something her son said she has done (or didn't do) but when she explains the full situation her behaviour was acceptable. Sometimes it's the other way around. They have had some tough times but they have worked together to provide solid parenting and her son is starting to realise he can't keep playing these games. Also now he is getting older he lets things slip. She didn't realise her ex's new partner has constantly enquired about her relationship status for the last 10 years (she has remained single). She was quite shocked but didn't show it to her son (she rang me to rant:rotfl:) as she felt her life was none of her business.

Good luck with whatever happens.

supersaver2

Poppy9 wrote: »

Once again we have a poster slaggign off their OH ex! It's really a bug bear of mine. Your OH choose his ex, married her, had a family with her and if he's as wonderful and caring and sensitive as you say he is then why did he choose such a witch?

His ex, is his problem. You've been with him less than 3 years, he was with her for at least 11 years.

Your stepson. He must pick up from you and OH how awful you think his mother is and how "perfect" you are as a family.

From the sound of it his mother is devastated at the prospect of losing her son and feels her ex and you have conspired to "steal" away her son. Imagine how you would feel if your children said they wanted to move out and live with your ex and his new family?

But the boy does have a say where he lives. I've seen a few of DD friends move out from living with their mother to go live with "wonderful Daddy". They have all returned home.

One of my friends was so upset when her son said he wanted to live half and half with both his parents a couple of years ago. She felt like a bad mum and rejected but she hid her feelings from her son and allowed it to happen. Mostly it's okay but at 15 he loves playing his parents off against one another. How he thinks he will get away with it I will never know. Sometimes she gets her ex ringing her in work ranting about something her son said she has done (or didn't do) but when she explains the full situation her behaviour was acceptable. Sometimes it's the other way around. They have had some tough times but they have worked together to provide solid parenting and her son is starting to realise he can't keep playing these games. Also now he is getting older he lets things slip. She didn't realise her ex's new partner has constantly enquired about her relationship status for the last 10 years (she has remained single). She was quite shocked but didn't show it to her son (she rang me to rant:rotfl:) as she felt her life was none of her business.

Good luck with whatever happens.

People do change you know, it's much like some threads you can read about women who have separated from their partners and he suddenly morphs into a lowlife who won't pay any money for their kids, do we say why did you marry/have kids with such an idiot, or do we believe that people can and do change?

As for stealing her 'son' he is actually mum and dads son and not an item to 'steal' away.