Husband's ex wife wanting more money

Melaniep101

julie2710 wrote: »

I'm going to play devils advocate a bit here as I have to say I often find it annoying that people (often ex partners or new partners of exs) constantly complain at the rate of "maintenance" they have to pay to support their children. I often hear the "surely £x is more than enough to clothe a child?" Where does it say that the "maintenance" payment is solely for the use of clothing the child? Who pays for the roof over their head, the water they use, the food they eat, the electricity and gas used to light and heat their home, the soap, shampoo and other toiletries, their clothes, cough medicine or other over the counter remedies they may need, furniture in their home, bedding, on top of clothes, school trips, presents for school friends when they are invited to parties etc. In addition to this being a single parent means that you are providing the service of cook, cleaner, medic, carer, taxi, helper with homework etc etc. It impacts your work, you may only be able to work part time or if you work full time you will have to pay for additional childcare outside of school hours. It impacts your life. If you fancy going to a keep fit class in the evening you can't take the child/children with you, so a simple gym visit means paying for childcare!

When you add all that together maybe the £450 per month isn't that much after all? A childminder can cost anything between £5-10 per hour! Consider the impact on your lifestyle if you had to pay the going rate for all those services and commodities!

As far as the ex being "given" the house when they split and your partner having paid for it! I'm assuming this is whilst they were together and she didn't work. I would assume that they had agreed she would be a stay at home mum so was making a contribution albeit not in actual monetary terms! She took out a £30k mortgage so she wasn't actually given it and is now paying for the roof over her child's head! Why should she downsize? It's her child's home! If she could live in tent to save her some maintenance would that be expected.

Yes she possibly should have asked sooner. Maybe her ex could have offered. He after all knew in advance that sons holidays were ending and he would need school uniform or is he just of the mind that he needs to just pay the minimum that was awarded?

It amazes me that absent dads are more than happy for mums to compromise their lifestyle to care for their children but complain at having to do so themselves.

That said I also know some women do take advantage of exs. Has she actually said she will stop access? If she had that is wrong and one shouldn't depend on the other.

Try not to think of maintenance as a clothing allowance plus a way of subsidising the mother's lifestyle. What it is in reality is a payment to ensure that the parent whom the child resides with is able to provide a lifestyle for that child that is as close as possible to the lifestyle that the child would have experienced had their parents stayed together.

Oh julie, your post has irked me a bit I understand of all people what it is like to bring up a child as a single parent. I have a daughter of nearly 19, that I have brought up alone from the day she was born. I have worked my backside off to support her alone, I've worked full time in jobs I don't like to pay the rent and keep a roof over our heads. I've never expected anyone else to finance my lifestyle, or buy me a house, or pay for a child I decided to have . As far as I'm concerned, no one owes me anything. My daughter's father is not a good man, and didn't do the right thing by either of us, but you know what, that's his loss, he has to live with that.

My husband on the other hand IS a good man, who wants to do the right thing by his son. But why should he subsidise his ex wife who told him she was filing for divorce a week after his beloved father died. He has his son every other weekend, drives 120 miles each way to collect him and another 120 miles to drop him off again. He buys him clothes, takes him away camping, takes him out for day trips and has him during school holidays.

What more could my husband possibly do to support his son? I think £450 a month is more than adequate to support a child, especially as she is almost mortgage free. I cannot feel sorry for her when she can afford to work part time, whilst we have to work full time to pay for our mortgage and day to day living.

Top_Girl

FBaby wrote: »

Just one comment on the 'looking scruffy' comments because it comes up quite often, my children at times go to their dad looking what I myself would consider scruffy (well more my son, but my DD has gone there with holes in her tights etc...). It is not because they
don't have nice clothes, it's because they like to wear what they are most comfortable in and familiar with. I have often despaired seeing them just as I was dropping them off asking why they had to wear the clothes they had on! In my case, my ex doesn't pay any maintenance so can't really make comments but I can see how it would seem at times that I don't update their wardrobe but my bank balance certainly says differently!

Mine goes to his dad's in oldish cheapish clothing because anything nice is unlikely to come back with him. I send him in stuff he won't miss if it goes on the missing list for a month...

lostinrates

Melaniep101 wrote: »

Oh julie, your post has irked me a bit I understand of all people what it is like to bring up a child as a single parent. I have a daughter of nearly 19, that I have brought up alone from the day she was born. I have worked my backside off to support her alone, I've worked full time in jobs I don't like to pay the rent and keep a roof over our heads. I've never expected anyone else to finance my lifestyle, or buy me a house, or pay for a child I decided to have . As far as I'm concerned, no one owes me anything. My daughter's father is not a good man, and didn't do the right thing by either of us, but you know what, that's his loss, he has to live with that.

My husband on the other hand IS a good man, who wants to do the right thing by his son. But why should he subsidise his ex wife who told him she was filing for divorce a week after his beloved father died. He has his son every other weekend, drives 120 miles each way to collect him and another 120 miles to drop him off again. He buys him clothes, takes him away camping, takes him out for day trips and has him during school holidays.

What more could my husband possibly do to support his son? I think £450 a month is more than adequate to support a child, especially as she is almost mortgage free. I cannot feel sorry for her when she can afford to work part time, whilst we have to work full time to pay for our mortgage and day to day living.

You and the ex wife made different choices in partners and child rearing. As did both your partners.

That is everyone's prerogative surely? The choices your partner and his ex wife made during their marriage were presumably mutually acceptable, and in divorce, mutually agreed or accepted?

Its not the ex wife's issue that your partner drives so far to collect his son, after all, he moved, not her...its good he does, of course, but its not so admirable, he is the father and those weekends are presumably as valuable to him as to his son? I'm only sad your ex and your daughter's father was not so good.

Top_Girl

In your shoes, I would probably go for a compromise, take him shopping for shoes and a coat, which, if we're honest are usually the most expensive items (and those which will matter most to a boy of 12, usually) and tell her she will have to sort the rest herself.

If you budget for clothing for him as part of your expenditure anyway, it's an extension of that and it is absolutely reasonable of you to expect her, out of the money she gets for him (and I'm including the tax credits and child benefit in that as well as your maintenance) to sort out the rest.

delain

19lottie82 wrote: »

If so then she should be able to claim a school uniform allowance.
Your local council website should have an application form.

Not necessarily. I believe your income has to be less than £16,100 and not eligible for WTC to qualify for school dinners/uniform help. If you can't get one, you can't get the other.

Most people budget for this being an expensive month. DD1 needed a whole set this year (new school) and we've bought it all gradually since the spring. My older 3's dad has never paid a penny for them except for a brief while when he was on JSA and had no choice.

FBaby

I cannot feel sorry for her when she can afford to work part time, whilst we have to work full time to pay for our mortgage and day to day living.

Neither can I. Working part-time is a luxury, one that is often traded for money. You can't expect to have the luxury of more time AND to enjoy the lifestyle of those who work full-time. If she wants to work part-time, then she needs to accept that she has to budget with what she gets. After all, many single mums will get the same income MINUS the huge maintenance and manage, so why can't she?

Top_Girl

My reply about buying the coat and shoes was for his sake, not hers, just to clarify.

I get less than half her maintenance and I work part time and this new school year's basic uniform of shirts and trousers (and the year after that for that matter) were bought in a sainsburys sale last year. Because it's not a surprise outgoing and it's something that needs to be planned for. That said, my son is 8 and I have some 12/13 year old branded tracksuit bottoms put away for him as the hut were selling them off at two quid a pair. I do like to plan ahead

kelpie35

OP I do really feel for you and can understand how frustrated you must feel.

I think you really need to speak with your DH and tell him that he is being financially bullied by his ex. Tell him you do understand that he only wants what is best for his son, and so do you, but you both can't afford to pay any more than you are already paying.

If he really respects your opinion, with regards to his son, I am sure he will see how his ex is still trying to drain him dry.

The ex needs to appreciate that there is a vast amount of money going into her home and how lucky she is to have an ex who contributes to the care and wellbeing of their son.

I hope this new request, from his ex, has not caused too much distress between you and your DH.

cazziebo

Maybe I was just really lucky in that my ex would buy clothes, pay for school trips, etc without being asked. If I took the girls on holiday he would chip in with a fare.

Or maybe I was lucky in that he married someone who realised she was involved with a man with responsibilities and had enough respect for him and his children not just to not interfere, but also to actively support him. She treated my children like her own - the only criticism might be she was a bit too generous..

Actually, with the ex, it's not luck. Most of the men I know are exactly the same. They don't pay the minimum, they treat the children much as they would if they still lived with them. They don't think twice about covering "additional expenses". They recognise kids are expensive, and get more expensive as they get older.

On further reflection, you very rarely see posts like this from men, almost always the new partner. That's where I was lucky - my daughters have a fantastic step mum, and they know it.

loracan1

Top_Girl wrote: »

Mine goes to his dad's in oldish cheapish clothing because anything nice is unlikely to come back with him. I send him in stuff he won't miss if it goes on the missing list for a month...

If I send either of mine to their dad's in something nice I don't see it again til it's too small. (I'm sure the same is said of me)

I'd hate to think their dad gripes about me letting him pay for football boots and subs behind my back. (I wouldn't know one end of a football boot from another) and I appreciate that he offers half towards things like school holiday trips.