Politely setting boundaries with houseguests

balletshoes

Miss I are you sure all of your guests are going off in the motorhome? Not just your cousin and her husband? If bratgirl insists on a double bed to rest her derriere I can't imagine she'll be overly impressed with the sleeping arrangements in a motorhome .

Oh, and definitely set the record straight for them now about Christmas - no, they can't come stay at your home over Christmas, its not convenient. Because you say so. End of.

Mojisola

Any wrote: »

Advice to the OP - if you feel like you cannot deal with them again and you know you let them talk you into next visit again, never ever contact them or respond again.

balletshoes wrote: »

Oh, and definitely set the record straight for them now about Christmas - no, they can't come stay at your home over Christmas, its not convenient. Because you say so. End of.

The only way you're not going to repeat this experience again and again is to cut contact with them!

Write that email saying that you will not have them to stay again. You don't have to give them any reasons (because that will open up a debate - oh, we'll be different next time, you don't understand family life, our culture means you can't turn us away - and endless other discussions).

Well, whatever your culture says about hospitality, I'm sure it also has things to say about children respecting adults and adults not reducing elders to tears!

You will now have the support of your mother because she has seen them in action. Stop all contact now!

globetraveller

balletshoes wrote: »

Miss I are you sure all of your guests are going off in the motorhome? Not just your cousin and her husband? If bratgirl insists on a double bed to rest her derriere I can't imagine she'll be overly impressed with the sleeping arrangements in a motorhome .

QUOTE]
You might seriously have a point there. OP- assume the worst and practise saying no now.

miss_independent

MakeupAddict wrote: »

My last post was a quick response, this is the proper one.

You seem to have a bit of an identity crisis over this, culture wise. Your daily life is British and westernised, but an event like this reminds you that by birth you have two cultures, and you're confused over how much you have to adhere to that culture's traditions and expectations. The result is the mental torment you're now putting yourself through.


I don't think you're in a position where you have to accede to their demands as of cultural right. Expectation, a sense of entitlement on their part probably, but not a right. And to demand that you also accommodate friends for each of the children is unacceptable, arrogant, and you have the RIGHT to say no, culture notwithstanding. Even if they were to say they wouldn't bring the friends, you still have the right to say no. There may be some painful fallout to this within the family, but you have to put your foot down somewhere or this could go on until the cousin is bringing her husband, her children, their partners and THEIR children.

I wouldn't try to use lack of space as a reason, however true - they'll expect you to give up your room, at the very least. Simply say no, with 'it's not possible' or 'it's not convenient' on the end if you need to. Keep saying it, without getting into any discussion of why. (It's a technique known as the stuck record.)

If they can afford the flights, they can afford the Travelodge if they really want to see you. If they want a free holiday, tough. There's no such thing as a free lunch or a free holiday, and you don't have to be the one who pays in both cash and stress.

MuAx

eta: Miss I, I was typing this as you posted your last comment. Glad to hear you won't be around and have a cast iron reason to say no. Use my advice above the next time they tell you they're coming to stay!!

I've said it before but the way they behave is nothing to do with my culture. They live in the USA, husband is American, kids were born there, my cousin is not English but is white and from a Western culture (like my Mum's side) so it isn't anything to do with not being Westernized.

Within both sides of my family, hospitality is a big part of the cultures and affects how I was raised and what our other older family members might say about us (i.e. Charging family for food would be seem as very rude as would not offering a bed for the night). To be honest, I prefer the way I was raised to behave towards guests and I wouldn't want to change but there is no way I am going to be treated like this again. So they won't be staying again.

Incidentally, the oldest girl referred to someone being, "a (n-word)". I calmly said that I find that word highly offensive and I won't tolerate it being said in my household and also said if she had said that in my school, it could go down on her record as a racist incident and I'm sure, given that I am mixed race and my Dad is black and she has no problem staying in my house, eating my food, taking money off my Dad etc etc that she wouldn't want to be mistaken for a racist, would she?
I actually got an apology, a genuine one.

However, when I tried to discipline the younger child who was running around slamming my doors for fun and screaming at midnight, she said, "Dad, tell HER to back the hell off!". And Dad said, "Back off! That's my child you are talking to." :mad:

Favourite moment of the week however was when the oldest got dumped on me when I was going for a meal (long story). As the couple next to me were being served she said, Mean Girls style, "What is that?" and I replied, "Steak." and started pretending to retch and went, "Ewwww. Dog food." I replied that steak is not dog food to which she said, "It's considered dog food where I come from. We would only feed it to the dogs." and I said.........

"Its very odd you should say that as you father has always seemed particularly fond of it."



When her dinner arrived it came with vegetables and she sent it back and ordered it to be remade with "no trace of vegetables whatsoever. And I will know if its not freshly remade." I launched into a monologue of how sad it is that she is such a fussy eater and told her how my parents were able to take me anywhere as a child, knowing that I would happily eat what I was given and how my friend's parents were always delighted to have me as, it is a well known adult fact that grown ups cannot abide fussy eaters and secretly consider them very rude so they will do everything to avoid inviting them for dinner (she rarely gets invites so I knew this would hit a nerve). I then launched in to a speech about how glad I am that my parents paid no attention to any eating fads because now, when my friends invite me for dinner or I go on a date (boys are her obsession) I know that I won't embarrass myself or insult the other person by having to turn down the offer or be annoying and have to give special instructions on how I like my meal prepared. My eating habits allow me to have a full social life and they have helped me embrace other cultures and ways of life .

I was so patronising but it worked because she said, "that's actually really good. Maybe my parents should have been stricter with me ."

quidsy

However, when I tried to discipline the younger child who was running around slamming my doors for fun and screaming at midnight, she said, "Dad, tell HER to back the hell off!". And Dad said, "Back off! That's my child you are talking to." :mad:

and you said in reply?

poet123

There are useless parents in all cultures....

The girl might actually have gained something from staying with you that she clearly isn't getting from her parents; boundaries.

Email them now saying that you have plans for Christmas and every time they ask in future just say it is convenient, no explanations, no excuses.

Mojisola

miss_independent wrote: »

I actually got an apology, a genuine one.

However, when I tried to discipline the younger child who was running around slamming my doors for fun and screaming at midnight, she said, "Dad, tell HER to back the hell off!". And Dad said, "Back off! That's my child you are talking to." :mad:

And you let him talk to you like that?

The parents are raising two monsters who are likely to be unhappy, friendless adults.

aileth

miss_independent wrote: »

I was so patronising but it worked because she said, "that's actually really good. Maybe my parents should have been stricter with me ."

Nutshell right here!

miss_independent

I'm not going to lie about where I am going at Christmas. It's booked, there is no room where I am staying for them, and they won't pay for flights there (more expensive than to the UK). I will tell them they cannot stay in my house, and that I would not feel comfortable with that.

Anyway, the only reason they come is because they "love spending time with me." They've come here and spent the entire time in their PJ's on their ipads, games consoles, my tv etc without venturing out the door for more than an hour at a time. They can do that at home.

I can't understand it. Within an hour of my house we have several theme parks, 2 massive theatres, beaches, hills, canals, a waterpark, boats, an indoor ski slope, shopping centres, an AMAZING park 15 minutes away etc etc. All they want to do is slob around all day doing nothing.

aileth

miss_independent wrote: »

Anyway, the only reason they come is because they "love spending time with me." They've come here and spent the entire time in their PJ's on their ipads, games consoles, my tv etc without venturing out the door for more than an hour at a time. They can do that at home.

Wouldn't it be a shame if your television suddenly stopped working for some reason.......